For those worried that the fat kids and science nerds would get revenge on the jocks that made their lives an indignant hell throughout middle school would turn the tables when they got to college, rest easy.
A recent NCAA report shows that schools with the lowest graduation rates are amongst the best teams in college sports while those who mistakingly focus on sending kids home with diplomas end up on the losing end of a “take our starters out in the second quarter” beat down. (Though we could not confirm it, Popcorn Muscles also believes that the aforementioned geeky fat-wads also have a very high virginity rate.)
When reached for a fake comment, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive noted that “nobody buys tickets to watch a social reject do a chemistry experiment or listen to a self-righteous middle class white kid from New Jersey talk about Che Guevara’s war on oppression. People love watching illiterate teenagers on steroids play football and get arrested.”
There’s no point spreads at science fairs and getting drunk while attending a philosophy lecture is frowned upon.
It is, however, important to note that nerds who end up receiving high-powered college sports jobs will be able to exploit these athletes by refusing to pay them for bringing in huge television contracts and merchandising sales.
Nerds do run the planet, but they can’t win football games.
