Isaiah Thomas Excited To Ruin Careers at the College Level

 

Fresh off of a five year stint destroying the the New York Knicks and staving off sexual harassment lawsuits, Isaiah Thomas has decided to return to the college game (after a very brief three decade hiatus), after signing a deal to become the head basketball coach at Florida International University earlier today.

Thomas, who lists “dream killing” under the special skills portion of his resume’, brings a level of excitement to the FIU campus unseen since fresh fishstick day at the Wilson Dormitory cafeteria and renewed hope to a team that was tired of good character and fundamental basketball . 

“Our fans support the team, the players have great attitudes and there’s a lot of selflessness in the locker room,” Thomas said at an admittedly fake press conference. “It’s going to take me at least seven months to erase all of that.”

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Top Football Recruit Stops For Gas At Notre Dame on Way To Visit University Of Florida

 

On a recent recruiting trip to Gainesville, five star offensive tackle recruit James Hurst stopped to fill up his Mazda Miata just outside the Ron Powlus Center for Disappointment at the University of Notre Dame.

“I actually didn’t know they had a football team,” said the Indiana native in a fictitious interview. “My Grandpa used to talk about Fighting Irish football winning national championships, but he had Alzheimers so I assumed it was sort of like his theory about the fake moon landing or Montreal baseball.”

Hurst, who had his gas tank filled up by Junior Pump Specialist Rick Mirer, was reportedly impressed with the shiny gold dome in the middle of the campus, and even told a friend that he hoped the mid-major program would one day be able to compete with schools like Syracuse and Air Force.

 

Written by David Breitman

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