Thursday April 30th, 2009
Tracy McGrady Finally Realizes Not Playing Is The Best Way To Help His Team
Julius Peppers Skips Training Camp To Focus On Demanding More Money
Czech Republic Hockey Locker Room Surpasses Britney Spears Tour Bus For Grossest Place On Earth
Wednesday April 30th, 2009
Reggie Theus Ready To Begin Shooting Hang Time; The Movie
Three University of Miami Football Players Arrested For Loitering At NFL Draft
Don Cherry’s Stylist Wins Lifetime Achievement Award From National Plaid Society
Tuesday April 28th, 2009
Andrei Kirilenko No Longer Considered A Lock For Hall Of Fame After Poor Playoff Performance
Barry Bonds Considered A “Cancer” At His Local Golf Course Clubhouse
Monday April 27th, 2009
Matt Stafford Feels Confident the Lions Can Double Last Season’s Win Total
Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade
Friday April 24h, 2009
95,772 People In Ohio Admit Their State Is Boring By Attending a Spring Practice Game
Donald Duck Arrested After Bar Fight With Rival San Jose Sharks Fan
New York Yankees Miss Alex Rodriguez’s Clutch April Hitting
Thursday April 23rd, 2009
Very Few Lithuanians Expected To Be Selected At Upcoming NFL Draft
Chris Chelios Receives Senior Discount At Team Breakfast
Rick Neuheisel Believes UCLA is Only Three Newspaper Ads Away From Becoming Better than USC
Wednesday April 22nd, 2009
Three Men Brutally Murdered at Washington National Burrito Giveaway Night
Flip Saunders Critical of Allen Iverson’s jDate Profile
Chase Daniel Joins Intramural Midget Wrestling Team
Tuesday April 21st, 2009
Ryan Zimmerman Shows Five Year Commitment to Losing By Signing New Deal With the Washington Nationals
Kansas City Chief’s Receiver Practice Touchdown Celebrations Just in Case
Phoenix Coyotes Hold Moderately Priced Fan Appreciation Dinner
Sam Cassell Now 33 Human Years Old
Monday April 20th, 2009
Luke Walton Asked to Leave Staples Center in Order to Make Room For Somebody More Famous
Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to Giants Because Blue Makes Him Look Fat
John Brantley’s Spring Game Performance Indicates Tim Tebow is Just a System Quarterback
Thursday April 16th, 2009
Gilbert Arenas to Teach Sportsmanship Class at the Tracy McGrady Center For Playoff Excellence
Syracuse Lineman on Pace to Finish Forty Yard Dash Early Next Spring
Columbus Blue Jackets Only Four Goals Away From Defeating Detroit Red Wings In Opening Game
Wednesday April 15th, 2009
Sacramento Kings’ Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Contributed to 17-65 Season
John Madden Leaves Broadcast Booth To Spend More Time on Fried Food Consumption and Endorsing Foot Care Products
Local Man Dies of Boredom At Women’s Tennis Match
NFL Gives Dallas Cowboys Six Opportunities To Embarrass Themselves on National Television Next Year
Tuesday April 14th, 2009
Five Star Recruit Stops For Gas At Notre Dame On Way To Visit University of Florida
Isaiah Thomas Excited To Ruin Careers At The College Level
World’s Top Curler Finally Living Above The Poverty Line
Oscare De La Hoya Retires From Boxing In Order to Focus More Time On His Hair
Monday April 13th, 2009
Allen Iverson Tells Fat Guy In Front Row To Go F*ck Himself During Fan Appreciation Day
Gary Betman Plans To Juggle During The NHL’s Save Our League Telethon
Chris Kaman Plans To Teach a “How To Pick Up Women” Course at a Local Community College Over the Offseason
New York Knicks Promise Not to Let Anyone On The Nets Score 50 Points in the Team’s Final Home Game
Thursday April 9th, 2009
Critics Unimpressed With Ed Hockley Workout Video
EA Sports Set to Release New Stewart Cink 09 Video Game
Only 158 Games Left Until Playoff Baseball Begins
Wednesday April 8th, 2009
Tavaris Jackson Says The Vikings Have A Great Shot At The Super Bowl if the Team Can Address Their Quarterback Issues
Shocking Study Reveals Ping Pong Fatality Rates Still Relatively Low
Kansas City Royals Still Not Mathematically Eliminated from Playoff Race
Tuesday April 7th, 2009
Al Davis Shows His Commitment To The Future By Signing the NFL’s Oldest Quarterback
Carl Pavano Impressed with CC Sabathia’s 10-5 Opening Day Loss
Guy Living in His Parent’s Basement Becomes Fantasy Football Legend
Monday April 6th, 2009
Very Few Chicago Residents Attend Rex Grossman Appreciation Day
Zach Randolph Gets Caught Driving Drunk En Route to a “Trade Zach Randolph Rally” in Downtown Los Angeles
Edmonton Oilers’ Ownership No Longer Convinced The City Sells Itself For Prospective Free Agents
Thursday April 2nd, 2009
College Basketball Fans Reluctantly Arrive in Detroit for Final Four Weekend
NHL Players Union Now Serving Real Orange Juice At Meetings
Wednesday April 1st, 2009
Jeff George Feels He Could Ruin Another Franchise If Given The Opportunity
Doug Christie’s Wife Allegedly Still A Raving Bitch
Allen Iverson Now Defending At a Third Grade Level
Tuesday March 28th, 2009
Gilbert Arenas Already Whining at Midseason Form
Chicago Bears Unsure About Trading For Proven, Talented Quarterback
Tampa Bay Lightning Release 86-Second Tribute Video For Barry Melrose
Tuesday March 31st, 2009
Just Like His Players, John Calipari Signs With The School Offering The Most Money
Blake Griffin Begins Pretending to Consider Returning to College
Matt Leinart Urges Cardinals’ Management to Draft A Quarterback for the Future
Thursday March 26th, 2009
University of Oklahoma President Asks Bob Stoops to Give the Syracuse Basketball Team his Patented “Championship Game Pep Talk”
Ron Artest Still Believes Ron Artest is Still in the MVP race
Toronto Raptors Given an Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them
Garth Snow Begins Growing Draft Lottery Beard
Wednesday March 25th, 2009
UCONN Upset About Wasting Recruiting Violations on Shitty Player
Pat Summit Tells Frightened Reporters She Has No Desire to Pose for Playboy
Daunte Culpepper Voted Least Likely To Succeed at Lion’s Mini-Camp
Search for Matt Millen’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard
David Ortiz Has His Knife and Fork Retired at Appleby’s.
Tuesday March 24th, 2009
Bill Belechick Assures Patriots Fans That Tom Brady is Ready to Fill Matt Cassel’s Shoes
Ichiro Gets Winning Out of the Way at World Baseball Classic Before Rejoining Mariners for the 2009 Season
Injured Flames Forward Todd Bertuzzi Wonders What He Could Have Possibly Done To Have Such Bad Karma
Terrell Owens Marks His Territory in the Buffalo Bill’s Huddle By Peening On Trent Edwards’ Leg
Sacramento Kings Now Only Forty Games Below .500
Lane Kiffin Begins Trying to Figure Out Ways to Back Up His Talk
Monday March 23rd, 2009
Washington Wizards’ General Manager Ernie Grunfeld Confident his Team Could Make The Elite Eight if Given the Opportunity
Gary Bettman Expected to Reach Puberty Any Day Now
American Baseball Releases “We’re Number Four” T-Shirts after Losing to Japan at WBC
Much like the rest of the Hockey World, Alexander Ovechkin is Unable to Name Four Other Players on the Washington Capitals’ Roster
Curt Schilling Retires From Baseball So He Can Spend More Time Talking About His Retirement From Baseball
Thursday March 17th, 2009
Kerry Collins denies romantic ties to Bea Arhtur
John Calipari suspends two players for attending classes under his “conduct unbecoming to the team” rule.
Zdeno Chara reportedly considering trying out for American Idol
Chicago Cubs fans excited about World Series chances; Rest of MLB finds it adorable
Wednesday March 16th, 2009
Andre Smith consults Vince Young for Wonderlic success tips
Cleveland Cavaliers search for new defensive liability to replace token white guy Wally Sczerbiak
Marshawn Lynch worried the NFL may not support his commitment to offseason arrests
Wayne Gretzky begins to re-think his “we learn more from losing anyways” gameplan
Tuesday March 15th, 2009
Economists support Barack Obama’s decision to get out of debt by betting against Duke
Nashville Predators hold “Please Bring Everybody You Know” night.
Carl Landry proves NBA players know how to party too, by getting shot in the leg
Dallas Cowboys concerned they don’t have enough distractions heading into the season
Monday March 14th, 2009
Big Ten gets more bids than any other mid-major Conference
Phoenix Suns auction 2009 first round draft pick on eBay
Jay Cutler becomes first diabetic quarterback in NFL history to throw hissy-fit and demand trade
Friday March 13th, 2009
Accused murderer Ray Lewis calls fellow Baltimore athlete Michael Phelps three month suspension “an impressive start.”
Mark McGwire bulking up for trip to grocery store
Big Ten tournament organizers claim “boring basketball” and “lack of talent” will not effect ratings
Ryan Leaf allegedly still alive
Martin Brodeur passes “poutine,” and “skeazy douche bags” on Quebec’s list of top exports
Thursday March 12th, 2009
David Beckham compares playing in MLS to hooking up with a pretty girl’s fat cousin. Not the first choice at the end of the night, but their desperation for popularity is easy to take advantage of.
NHL looks to corner the coveted “pacifist demographic” by banning staged fights
United States calls last night’s loss to Venezuela the most embarrassing thing to happen to American baseball since Roger Clemmens, A-Rod, The Kansas City Royals, Bud Seligs’ hair, World Series’ ratings, Yankee fans, The Mitchell Report, Steve Bartman, bat night, Scott Boras…
Washington Wizards admit finding new ways to lose gets hard after the 50th time.
Tiger Woods getting bored sleeping with hot wife. Decides winning golf tournaments might be fun again.
Detroit Lions consider trading their first overall pick to Bill’s Taco Shack to bring back “Salsa Specialist” Charles Rogers.
Wednesday March 11th, 2009
San Francisco 49ers re-work deal to pay Alex Smith less money to sit on bench and remind fans of their wasted draft pick
Cleveland State wins Horizon league. Next step embarrassing March Madness loss.
Roger Clemens teaches kids that hard work, dedication and disposing of evidence are the keys to a Hall of Fame career.
Denver Broncos are prepared to bring back the “Steve Beuerlein glory days” if Jay Cutler situation worsens.
David Ortiz and Dominican Republic lose second straight game to a country most of their infield couldn’t locate on a map.
Rams release seven-time Pro Bowl Tackle Orlando Pace in an effort to help fans forget they use to be a Super Bowl team.
Tuesday Match 10th, 2009
Tiger Woods hosts the first ever “Phil Mickelson Obesity Awareness” golf tournament.
Tyson Chandler officially over hasty break-up with Hornets, and is excited to remain teammates with benefits.
Nashville Predator fans call Atlanta a ridiculous place for an NHL franchise.
Matt Jones gears up for upcoming season with second annual drug arrest
Darren Sproles not tall enough to ride “big boy coaster” at Disneyland.
Six players on Cuban national team placed on the “unable to perform” list after defecting during the seventh inning stretch.
Monday March 9th, 2009
George Bush calls Alex Rodriguez’s lack of public support “embarrassing.”
Dallas Mavericks launch brand new “Win a Date With Dirk Nowitzki” promotion.
Mehmet Okur to release gangster rap album in off-season
Kurt Busch entertains rednecks by turning left 2,000 times at Atlanta Motor Speedway
Sunday March 8th, 2009
When including minutes and turnovers, Darko Milicic has become a consistent double-double threat.
Barack Obama feels confident that degenerate gamblers will stimulate the economy during March Madness
California prisons begin sending inmates to WNBA games for punishment
New studies link Nascar viewing to mild retardation
Saturday March 7th, 2009
Charles Barkley called too fat to play in prison yard basketball game
Chris Simms asks Luke Walton for advice on how to deal with not living up to family name
Terrell Owens ready to become team player provided his stats don’t suffer
Utah citizens celebrate Jazz 10th straight win with alcohol free scrabble night
NBC signs deal to show two NHL Stanley Cup games as part of their alternative sports programming
Friday March 6th, 2009
NCAA graduation rates reveal nerds aren’t good at sports
NHL considers new television deal with the Food Network
Vince Young shows Akili Smith Potential -(READ FULL ARTICLE HERE)
Laveraneus Coles leaves New York to fulfill lifelong dream of losing football games in Ohio
Dirk Nowitzki shocked the basketball world last night by scoring lots of points, playing no defense and losing the game.
Ken Griffey Jr. anticipates getting first hit any day now
New York Yankees lose to Team Canada…at baseball…seriously
Thursday March 5th, 2009
Pistons minimize Iverson’s turnovers by putting him on injured reserve
Some guy not named Tiger Woods leading Honda Classic
Grizzlies learn that nobody loses like the Clippers with 118-95 win in Los Angeles
Al Davis impressed by Jerry Jones’ complete lack of long-term plan
ESPN’s College Gameday crew reportedly bullying lonely hockey analyst Barry Melrose
WNBA tries to make games more exciting by no longer allowing women to play
Brenda Warner gives Kurt permission to stay n Phoenix
Underwear model David Beckham plans to play soccer in Hollywood
Phil Mickelson gets first win of season by defeating local truck driver at pie eating contest
Wednesday March 4th, 2009
Giants willing to welcome Plaxico Burress back if he promises not to shoot himself again
Sean Avery excited to disgrace NHL in major market after signing with New York Rangers
Alex Rodriguez sick of being Face of Steroids. He’d rather be known as “the guy who chokes in the playoffs” again
Marc Gasol quickly becoming the NBA version of Ozzie Canseco
Jesus Christ advises Kurt Warner to hold out for more money
Phoenix Coyotes trade Olli Jokinen in final push to avoid playoffs and fan support
Tuesday March 3rd, 2009
Bonds delayed perjury trial frees up time to beg MLB teams to sign him
Gary Bettman to begin midget wrestling to raise money for NHL
Tim Duncan’s french sidekick leads spurs to victory
Dallas Mavericks only 10 points away from beating worst team in NBA
Jay Cutler admits temper tantrums in high altitude are hard on his diabetes
Iverson seems confused after having back, not head examined
