Popcorn Muscles

Archive for 2009|Yearly archive page

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

APTOPIX Bonds Steroids Basseball

 

After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade

In Best Mullets in Sports, fake tans, International incidents, NFL, NFL Draft, People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 27, 2009 at 18:50

dm_090403_nfl_mcshay

 

Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.

“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”

Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”

 

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Tyson Chandler Officially Over Hasty Break Up With Hornets And Is Excited To Remain Teammates With Benefits

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NBA, Overpaid Bums, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Really? He's still alive, Tyson Chandler on April 22, 2009 at 20:33

tyson-chandler-510x411

 

After an ill-conceived trade earlier this year that nearly sent alleged NBA Center and jDate spokesman Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for Joe Smith and a bottle of Robert Swift’s acne cream, the New Orleans Hornets and their $12 million offensive liability are finally over the awkward break-up and have decided to remain teammates with benefits throughout the postseason.

“It’s not like we’re teenage girls or the Los Angeles Clippers here,” said Hornet’s General Manager Jeff Bower at a press conference outside of the Oliver Miller Cheesecake Emporium. “We’re all professionals trying to win games, get an NBA championship and most importantly make sure Peja Stojakovic takes his contractually mandated monthly shower.”

Chandler, who remains the only active NBA player to own all seven seasons of The Gilmore Girls on DVD, recently admitted that he expects to be involved in trade talks over the offseason, claiming that “injury prone centers with $12 million salaries and almost nine points per game don’t grow on trees. It’s pretty much just me and Samuel Dalembert, and that guy smells worse than Peja!”

 

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Mehmet Okur Set to Release Gangster Rap Album Over Offseason

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Best Mullets in Sports, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Mehmet Okur, NBA, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Utah Jazz on April 21, 2009 at 17:48

mehmet-okr-sucks1

Utah Jazz Forward and Mormon sex symbol Mehmet Okur recently told both members of his fan club that he plans to record a hard core gangster rap album this summer in an effort to finally start scoring Matt Harpring quality ass.

The album, tentatively titled The Other White Meat, features cameo tracks from Vanilla Ice, Harvey Keitel and Andrei Kirelenko with a secret song from producer and best friend Dr. Dre at the end of the LP. “When I first recorded the song ‘I nailed Pat Summitt in the back of a Hyundai’ people started realizing how hard core my rhymes were,” Okur said while signing autographs at a local petting zoo. “I feel like I have the potential to be the best Turkish rapper in all of Salt Lake City.”

While critics claim Okur’s music still hasn’t hit the artistic level of Kobe Bryant’s eerily titled duet “Hold Me” with R. Kelly (or as the track is currently labelled “Prosecution Exhibit C”), many industry insider believe Okur’s good looks and  unquestioned “street cred” will propel his album to the top of the charts and even lead to an interview with his boyhood hero Ryan Seacrest.

 

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Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to New York Giants Because Blue Uniforms Make Him Look Fat

In Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, mascot sex, NFL, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 20, 2009 at 17:46

anquan-boldin

 

Arizona Cardinals’ Wide Receiver and avid stamp collector Anquan Boldin (who recently wrote the forward of Terrell Owens new book How to Look Ripped While Ruining A Franchise), recently told Spoiled Athlete Magazine that he would refuse to accept a trade to the New York Giants, as their dark blue uniforms make him look a tad on the chubby side.

Boldin, who has recently begun dating a full length mirror, explained that he would prefer to play for teams with lighter color schemes like the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals, as they would really make his muscles “pop” while yelling at teammates and complaining about his touches.

“I’m demanding a trade from a Super Bowl team with a proven quarterback and solid offense,” Boldin fictitiously told a reporter while picking up Matt Leinart and his date from the Desert Mountain High School junior prom. “I clearly don’t care if I win football games. It’s all about how I look on the field and whether or not the cameras can see how defined my biceps are while I’m ignoring my fans or flirting with Sal Paolantonio between plays.”

 

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Gilbert Arenas to Teach Sportsmanship Class at the Tracy McGrady Center for Playoff Excellence

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Houston Rockets, People afraid of the dark, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tracy McGrady on April 17, 2009 at 18:48

gilbert arenas

 

After a tiring two game season, Gilbert Arenas (who was missing shots at midseason form while going 6-21 from the field), has decided to take time off from writing his Darius Songaila tell-all book and spend the offseason teaching a class on sportsmanship at the Tracy McGrady Center of Playoff Excellence.

“A lot of young NBA players don’t realize that basketball games are won and lost in the post game interview,” Arenas fictitiously said . “Sure, everyone knows that taunting opponents  and making obscene predictions are important, but there’s so much wisdom I have left to teach.”

Founded by the Rocket’s “star” in 2005 after an exceptionally depressing first round loss to the Dallas Mavericks, the McGrady Center aims to teach young NBA players that winning playoff rounds is not the only measure of postseason success. “People think that just because I’ve never got out of the first round I’m some sort of choke artist,” McGrady said in a make believe interview. “But there’s more to being a playoff performer than actually winning games, and I think a guy like Gilbert can really help get that message across.”

Sacramento Kings Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Played a Part in the Team’s 17-65 Record

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, NBA, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Sacramento Kings, Selfish douche bags, Sexual Predators, Teams nobody cares about on April 16, 2009 at 16:47

kings suck

In a recent interview with Fledgling Franchises Magazine, Sacramento Kings’ owner and suspected polka enthusiast George Maloof admitted that the junior high caliber roster he put together may have played a small factor in the team’s “Detroit Lions-esque season.”

“Obviously the economy is the biggest reason for our on court failure,” Maloof told a reporter that he later tried to have sex with. “But it’s possible that Beno Udrih is not the franchise player we thought he was and I’m pretty sure we traded for the wrong Kenny Thomas.”

Maloof added that Bobby Jackson shooting 31 percent from the field, Shareef’ Abdur-Rahim’s allergic reaction to playing defense and Spencer Hawes embarrassing appearance on the reality show Sunset Tan may have hurt the organization, but did not cause irreparable/Kwame Brown damages.

“Nobody wants to be the team that finishes below the Clippers,” he explained. “But we have several young players that are showing Scott Pollard potential, and with a few high draft picks we could be a playoff team well before I try and move the Kings to Las Vegas.”

Finally Laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, NBA, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:39

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

nhl-cookie

Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Finally laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, fun with midgets, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, picking on fat kids, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:17

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

nhl-cookie

Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Chicago Bears Receive Prank Phone Call About Rex Grossman’s Availability

In 19165268, Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NFL, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 15, 2009 at 16:08

 

rexgrossmansucks

 

After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.

“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”

However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones,  but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”

Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.

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