Popcorn Muscles

Archive for February, 2009|Monthly archive page

Much like their season; Suns ticket prices going nowhere

In NBA, NBA Draft, phoenix suns, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on February 28, 2009 at 00:20

The Phoenix Suns announced today that they won’t be raising ticket prices next season out of the goodness of the heart. It’s nice to know that selling off all those draft picks that could have been turned into Rudy Fernandez, Luol Deng, Andre Igoudala, Rajon Rondo and Marcus Williams, among others, are finally paying financial dividends. “It is not ‘business as usual’ for our season ticket holders in this challenging economy,” said Rick Welts, President and COO of the Phoenix Suns, in a press release. “We want our most devoted fans to know that their team is listening to them and that the plan we are unveiling today addresses their concerns.” Oddly, their plan didn’t mention addressing the issue of making the playoffs — oh wait they did that when they basically fired Mike D’Antoni, hired Terry Porter and decided to ignore the trade deadline. But, hey, at least their fans can pay the same price to watch basketball that will be just as terrible next year. God bless Robert Sarver. 


Greg Oden named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Draft Bust Alive”

In Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, Portland TrailBlazers, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on February 27, 2009 at 16:56


Move over Ryan Leaf. There’s a new sex symbol ready to get his general manager fired!

In People Magazine’s recently released hottest seven-footers alive” issue, Greg Oden (who has court-side seats to every Portland TrailBlazer game) was named the sexiest draft bust in sports, edging out four-time winner and Serbian heart-throb Darko Milicic.

Oden, who is the first Korean War Veteran to win the prestigious honor, could not be reached for comment. Reports claim he and Sam Bowie spent the morning debating whether Kevin Durant might be the next Michael Jordan.

Phoenix Coyotes hold bake sale in effort to avoid bankruptcy

In NHL, Phoenix Coyotes, Teams nobody cares about on February 26, 2009 at 22:15

Since selling their dignity and unused shin pads hasn’t put a dent in the team’s $200 million operating losses, the Phoenix Coyotes have decided to do hock cookies and cupcakes at the first annual “We promise to make the playoffs…eventually” bake sale.

Financial analysts have called the move brilliant, dubbing the bake sale the single smartest thing the Coyotes have done since hosting Oleg Saprykin appreciation night.

In today’s day and age it’s crucial for businesses to stick to their strengths, and after yet another free fall down the Western Conference standings it’s become painfully evident that playing hockey isn’t one of them.


Cupcakes will be available for $1.00 

Lemonade is 75 cents

Kobe Bryant shows other accused rapists that dreams DO come true

In Awful human beings, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, People more important than Jesus on February 26, 2009 at 18:59

Just five years after allegedly forcing a chubby blonde girl to have sex with him in a Colorado hotel room, Kobe “Screw You! I was never convicted” Bryant is inspiring sexual predators across the country.

     As the greatest basketball player to ever stand trial for sexual assault, Bryant’s success story is becoming a hero with the cast of To Catch a Predator and every member of the “Megan’s Law” club.  “Everyone talks about how athletes are so out of touch with the fans today,” says fictitious child molester Cleetus Jones. “But every time I see Kobe on the court I feel like he’s representing every single one of  us in protective custody. He’s part of the brotherhood and really making us proud.”

As Kobe gets ready for another championship run this postseason, fellow accused rapists like Jones know what his first post-sexual assault acquittal championship would mean. “Everyone out there that thinks beating a rape case makes you soft is going to eat their words,” Jones says while tightly grasping his Miley Cyrus CD. “I can’t even tell you how much a Laker title would mean for all of us.”

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Quick…Call Dennis Quaid

In Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on February 26, 2009 at 18:14


In a town that needed something to believe in, sits an unlikely hero ready to beat the odds, to go for gold and prove that life is more than a game. And next to that kid (preferably played by a young Dennis Quaid or Omar Epps) sits a sleazy Hollywood producer ready to exploit the triumphant tale and provide a run-of-the-mill look at the athletic tale. Movies like Glory Road, Remember the Titans and Invincible offer interchangeable plots and cliché characters that rotate through the cinematic genre. In an effort to give aspiring producers a comprehensive manual to further the demise of quality films, the following is an easy step-by-step guide to making a stock sports movie.


The Concept

Interesting is always nice, but inspiring is usually the best way to go. Starting out with a washed-up, last chance, comeback-seeking character (The Rookie, Bull Durham or Rocky) is always a winner. It lets every former high school football player in the audience believe that the Dallas Cowboys may call during his break at Kinko’s to fill in at the Super Bowl.

            Lovable losers are also a nice touch (Bad News Bears, Mighty Ducks or Hardball). It’s crucial to make sure every single character in the film is presented as having been given up on in some way immediately after the opening credits roll. The characters are usually a collection of misfits and fat kids who have no business anywhere near a field unless they’re mowing it. That is, of course, until a new coach teaches them how to believe in themselves and win some games.

            For the mature audiences, the ever-popular “it was more than a game” script is usually a winner (Gridiron Gang, Miracle, Pride or Glory Road). The key here is to throw an ungodly amount of tragedy or external turmoil at the characters early in the movie only to have a brave protagonist and inspirational speech end racism in a small town, save the community center or prove that Iceland is not the dominant hockey power Emilio Esteves previously believed it to be.

            For the Oliver Stone crowd, there’s also the “riveting look at the true nature of sports” plot (The Program, Raging Bull or Any Given Sunday). This will often involve sex, drugs and Dennis Quaid butchering the role of an aging star. While these movies often prove to be as realistic as Brendan Fraser throwing a 114 mile-per-hour fastball in The Scout, they do let kids know that money is more important than winning and guys who take steroids get the hottest chicks.

            To the romantics out there, please avoid using sports as a backdrop for a love story. In theory it’s a great way to get men, women Read the rest of this entry »

25 things about Popcorn Muscles Co-Creator DB Mitchell

In Awful human beings, Suspected porn enthusiasts on February 25, 2009 at 23:02

1. He claims to have been suspended once in junior high school for “being too awesome.” The school board, however, called it “sexually harassing the crossing guards.”

2. He is still serving a lifetime ban at the University of Arizona Intramural athletics program.

3. Last week he showed up at worked dressed up as a gay cowboy. (Editors Note, After reading this he claimed “Just because I wore a bedazzled western shirt doesn’t make me gay.”)

4. He has a touchdown celebration dance for every occasion.

5. In 1996 he followed Duran Duran across the country for their summer tour.

6. He owns the world’s largest collection of stuffed unicorns.

7. He superstitiously wears all black while watching Arizona Cardinals games. Not in any sort of metaphoric statement about the franchise’s bleak past, but rather because it makes him look thinner.

8. The Arizona High School Volleyball Association deemed him mentally unstable for interstate travel.

9. Despite being from Oklahoma, he is a surprisingly strong reader and bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Read the rest of this entry »

25 things to know about Popcorn Muscles Co-Creator David Breitman

In Awful human beings on February 25, 2009 at 17:38

1. Every morning I play basketball with two middle-aged lawyers and an asthmatic English professor. It is the first time in the history of the sport a white Jewish kid from Canada is the third best athlete on the court.

2. As a gambling addict I secretly enjoy not having health insurance. I’ve been keeping track and so far am up $1941! Looks like my third grade teacher who said I’d never amount to anything and die before I turned 19, was only half right.

3. An agent recently wrote me an email comparing my writing style to Bill Simmons’. If it were possible I would have sex with that email.

4. While working as a WNBA broadcaster I always tried to find the largest she-beast on either team before the game and imagine how horrible middle school must have been for her.

5. I am less selective when choosing a sexual partner than I am with finding people I can talk sports with. DEAD SERIOUS! Sex lasts maybe an hour, but a good college football debate can go on for weeks.

6. While hosting a show on ESPN I constantly provoked one caller named Spence, from Ahwatukee. Every time I drive through that area I still think about what he’s doing and wonder if saying “his children should go to bed every night ashamed of their father” was a tad harsh.

7. I’ve been in love once and it ended very badly……… for her.

8. The asthmatic English professor is substantially better than me in the low post.

9. I secretly hate puppies, but always talk about wanting a dog.

Read the rest of this entry »

What are Popcorn Muscles?

In Athletes who can't read on February 13, 2009 at 22:09

Earlier this year Denver Bronco Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall (or as his friends call him “that guy who had one good season”) insulted four-time Pro Bowl and 1998 First Team ALL-WAC linebacker Joey Porter, explaining that he wasn’t tough and his intimidating physique was all for show. He said Porter had POPCORN MUSCLES.

While Porter, whose annual swimsuit calendar narrowly out-sold Sidney Crosby’s sex tape in the greater Pittsburgh area (both great gifts for children by the way), laughed at the notion that his sculpted torso was nothing more than late night Castro “accelerant,” or an effort to keep up with Dan Marino’s post Nutri-System  body in South Beach the phrase became legendary…sort of, and inspired two classically trained journalists to dedicate a blog to the phrase.

Hope ya enjoy!