Popcorn Muscles

25 things about Popcorn Muscles Co-Creator DB Mitchell

In Awful human beings, Suspected porn enthusiasts on February 25, 2009 at 23:02

1. He claims to have been suspended once in junior high school for “being too awesome.” The school board, however, called it “sexually harassing the crossing guards.”

2. He is still serving a lifetime ban at the University of Arizona Intramural athletics program.

3. Last week he showed up at worked dressed up as a gay cowboy. (Editors Note, After reading this he claimed “Just because I wore a bedazzled western shirt doesn’t make me gay.”)

4. He has a touchdown celebration dance for every occasion.

5. In 1996 he followed Duran Duran across the country for their summer tour.

6. He owns the world’s largest collection of stuffed unicorns.

7. He superstitiously wears all black while watching Arizona Cardinals games. Not in any sort of metaphoric statement about the franchise’s bleak past, but rather because it makes him look thinner.

8. The Arizona High School Volleyball Association deemed him mentally unstable for interstate travel.

9. Despite being from Oklahoma, he is a surprisingly strong reader and bathes on a semi-regular basis.

10. He keeps his copy editing skills sharp by going to local playgrounds and challenging children to spelling competitions. He once claimed “I gain strength from the tears of children.”

11. There’s an urban legend involving DB Mitchell, a bottle of scotch, Fidel Castro, a ping pong paddle and a small tribe in East Timor.

12. He is pen pals with a 48-year-old syphilitic prostitute in Nepal named Coco. They mostly chat about March Madness and Miley Cyrus rumors.

13.  He famously said “Why do people focus on the ‘alcoholic’ part. It’s the functioning aspect that’s more important.”

14. The color purple makes him cry. Not the Oprah Winfrey movie, the actual color.

15. DB Mitchell no longer watches Monday Night Football. It conflicts with new episodes of The Hills and he doesn’t trust Audrina when she’s with Justin Bobby.

16. He visits the local zoo every month to make sure the zebras are o.k.

17. The idea of birds having sex with bees makes him laugh every spring.

18. Every day at work he releases his own version of The Mitchell Report, a document that details employees he thinks are on steroids.

19. He watches re-runs of Beverly Hills 90210 every morning so he can properly emulate Steve Sanders’ famous mullet perm.

20. Every bit of hockey knowledge he has is based on NHL 94 for Sega Genesis. Coincidentally he selects Bernie Nichols first overall in every fantasy draft he enters.

21. His biggest journalistic achievement was interviewing Joe Montana about blood pressure medication and the risk of hypertension. 

22. Nobody knows more about traffic lights than DB Mitchell.

23. He knows every word of the song Bump n Grind by R. Kelly.

24. The movie Mean Girls was loosely based on his life.

25. Kevin Whipps read this entire list while nervously taking notes just in case it comes up on his performance review.

  1. (Scribbling furiously) Ok so, learn every lyric to Bump n Grind … don’t take steroids … Ok cool, I think I’m good for that review. Maybe this time I’ll get another 10% taken away!

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