Popcorn Muscles

25 things to know about Popcorn Muscles Co-Creator David Breitman

In Awful human beings on February 25, 2009 at 17:38

1. Every morning I play basketball with two middle-aged lawyers and an asthmatic English professor. It is the first time in the history of the sport a white Jewish kid from Canada is the third best athlete on the court.

2. As a gambling addict I secretly enjoy not having health insurance. I’ve been keeping track and so far am up $1941! Looks like my third grade teacher who said I’d never amount to anything and die before I turned 19, was only half right.

3. An agent recently wrote me an email comparing my writing style to Bill Simmons’. If it were possible I would have sex with that email.

4. While working as a WNBA broadcaster I always tried to find the largest she-beast on either team before the game and imagine how horrible middle school must have been for her.

5. I am less selective when choosing a sexual partner than I am with finding people I can talk sports with. DEAD SERIOUS! Sex lasts maybe an hour, but a good college football debate can go on for weeks.

6. While hosting a show on ESPN I constantly provoked one caller named Spence, from Ahwatukee. Every time I drive through that area I still think about what he’s doing and wonder if saying “his children should go to bed every night ashamed of their father” was a tad harsh.

7. I’ve been in love once and it ended very badly……… for her.

8. The asthmatic English professor is substantially better than me in the low post.

9. I secretly hate puppies, but always talk about wanting a dog.

10. Three years ago Jarome Iginla called me “buddy” after I interviewed him. To this day I still consider us to be best friends.

11. I spend one hour per day thinking about what life would be like if I still lived in Canada. I then spend the remaining 23 thanking God I don’t.

12. I bet on rock, paper, scissors matches.

13. I once missed on a breakaway in a very important minor hockey game. As a child I didn’t appreciate what a colossal failure I was for this, but now that I’m older I recognize what a disgrace to humanity I was.

14. I’ve interviewed some of the biggest names in pop culture, helped create an entire sports magazine for 944 Media and won several national writing awards. However, my Office Olympics video with this Web site’s co-creator DB Mitchell sill remains the unquestioned highlight of my career.

15. Having the Mexican police call me a gringo while stealing my shit in Rocky Point was the most American I’ve felt since getting my social security card.

16. Every year People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive” issue comes out I feel snubbed. I also feel this way when I go undrafted by the NFL year after year. I mean, it’s ridiculous that the Lions won’t even give me a try-out. What are they gonna do worse next year with me at quarterback?

17. I am a spectacular squash player. Seriously, I’m pretty much unbeatable and am shocked I don’t get more women because of it.

18. I was a Buddhist for two years until I could no longer stay nice to moronic girls who ask me to read their asinine political blogs. You know who you are, and you killed my spirit with your ridiculous ramblings.

19. At work one of the copy editors always jokes about killing hookers. It’s funny for now, but I’m really worried about being called as a witness when the first body is discovered.

20. I am a citizen of four countries, disappear on weekends and keep all of my worldly possessions in a northern California storage locker. I believe I’m a handgun away from becoming a small time arms dealer.

21. I get girls to sleep with me by telling them I am the Phillie Phanatic.

22. I spend at least twenty minutes at work everyday looking at past NBA Drafts while pretending to be the Toronto Raptor’s General Manager. My current starting line-up features Tony Parker, Kobe Bryant, Dirk Nowitzki, Chris Bosh and myself (possibly starting at center since Nowitzki is too soft to play power forward). Quite frankly I feel the other four starters could carry me to a championship.

23. I then spend 15 minutes wondering how I would play defense against Yao Ming.

24. At least once a month I revisit the question of “who would win in a fight, a grizzly bear or gorilla?”

25. I regret ficticiously taking Nowitzki. He’s killing my fake franchise.

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