Just five years after allegedly forcing a chubby blonde girl to have sex with him in a Colorado hotel room, Kobe “Screw You! I was never convicted” Bryant is inspiring sexual predators across the country.
As the greatest basketball player to ever stand trial for sexual assault, Bryant’s success story is becoming a hero with the cast of To Catch a Predator and every member of the “Megan’s Law” club. “Everyone talks about how athletes are so out of touch with the fans today,” says fictitious child molester Cleetus Jones. “But every time I see Kobe on the court I feel like he’s representing every single one of us in protective custody. He’s part of the brotherhood and really making us proud.”
As Kobe gets ready for another championship run this postseason, fellow accused rapists like Jones know what his first post-sexual assault acquittal championship would mean. “Everyone out there that thinks beating a rape case makes you soft is going to eat their words,” Jones says while tightly grasping his Miley Cyrus CD. “I can’t even tell you how much a Laker title would mean for all of us.”