Popcorn Muscles

Archive for March, 2009|Monthly archive page

Toronto Raptors Given An Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them

In Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about, Toronto Raptors on March 30, 2009 at 18:58

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As part of the NBA’s newly implemented Steven Francis Statute, all players declaring for the NBA Draft will be required to tell David Sterns’ office if they plan to throw a temper tantrum and demand a trade if they are selected by a Canadian franchise.

“Obviously nobody wants to play in a third world country,” Stern said at a fictitious press conference. “So we decided to help out the Raptors by letting them know which players will be willing to play in Canada.”

So far, Stern claims that of the 121 prospects polled, 74 of them would accept playing in Toronto, 31 said they would refuse and 16 players were unable to locate Canada on a world map.

Yanik Velsim, a second round prospect from Uzbekistan, told David Stern that he would rather not play in Canada, but would be willing to move to a less “educated and advanced” nation if he would receive more playing time and a free goat for his cousin, Yuri.

“The key here is to identify which players are willing to live in a strange, foreign land, and which ones don’t want to deal with rampant moose attacks and some sort of deep fried side dish called poutine,” said Stern. “At the end of the day I’m confident that the idea of free health care and partying with Jake Voskul will attract at least one poor soul into an organization with just a single playoff series win in franchise history. Hell, I’d bet Andrea Bargnani’s first overall draft pick salary on it!”

Donovan McNabb Finally Accepts Andy Reid’s Facebook Friend Request

In dangers to society, fun with midgets, NFL, Really? He's still alive, Teams nobody cares about on March 27, 2009 at 18:11

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The ongoing battle between Philadelphia Eagles’ Starting Quarterback Donovan McNabb and elastic waste band spokesman Andy Reid has finally ended thanks to a drunkenly accepted Facebook friend request late last night.

After returning home from a neighborhood midget tossing competition (where McNabb had three dwarfs intercepted and returned for touchdowns), the slightly intoxicated quarterback decided to burry the digital hatchet and accept his coach’s pending friend request. “I don’t know if it was the strawberry daiquiris or his topless profile picture, but I decided to let Andy onto my list,” said McNabb is an admittedly fake interview. “We’re going to have to work together and put our differences aside if we want to meet our annual goal of losing in the conference championship.”

Popcorn Muscles briefly talked to Reid, but the three sausages, hollandaise sauce and chocolate milkshake jammed into his mouth made him very difficult to understand.

International Study Reveals Mascots Get Laid A Lot

In dangers to society, mascot sex, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People probably on steroids, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 25, 2009 at 18:23

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In a recent report released by the Louie Anderson Center Of Sexual Discovery, acclaimed sexologist Oliver Christ (no relation), claimed that mascots get laid substantially more than fans, broadcasters and the entire Washington Wizards roster.

According to the study, chubby MLB mascots like the Phillie Phanatic and Lou Piniella are the most popular with housewives and sorority girls, while the Mariner Moose is being considered for a GQ cover shoot thanks to a well-publicized romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. “There’s definitely a lot of fur chasers in the stands every game,” says Benny the Bull. “Back when we were winning NBA Championships I was nailing three chicks every night and sleeping with the hotel maid in the morning.”

While most mascots revel in the fast paced lifestyle, the report also notes that the constant sexual exploits do come at a price. “I remember when I heard the Mariner Moose got syphilis,” recalls his good friend Harvey the Hound. “It really makes you wonder if  all those trips to Thailand are worth it.”

Local Prison Plans to Hold NFL Pro Day

In Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Draft Busts, International incidents, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 24, 2009 at 17:02

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In an effort to help NFL franchises replace players currently incarcerated throughout the country, Leavenworth Penitentiary has begun their “Pay it Forward” campaign, by inviting the league’s top scouts to the prison’s first ever scouting combine.

Headlined by defensive end prospect Rashard “Stabby” Johnson, who impressed several general managers by bench-pressing the rotting carcass of a  225 pound man he strangled to death over three dozen times, some scouts feel this is the deepest group of  inmates since the Hall of Fame class from San Quentin in 1992. 

“There’s a lot of talented players out here to choose from,” said one anonymous and possibly non-existent scout. “And when evaluating prospects at local prisons you don’t have to deal with the character issues you get at Florida State or Miami.”

Kerry Collins Denies Romantic Ties to Bea Arthur

In Athletes who can't read, Illiterate rednecks, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 20, 2009 at 17:36

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At a recent press conference held outside the Vince Young Center For Mental Health, Kerry Collins told reporters that rumors about his relationship with Bea Arthur are untrue, and an unfortunate example of the press using two high-profile sex symbols to sell more magazines.

Collins, whose ex-girlfriends include the mother from Family Matters, Doug Christie’s wife and both skinny members from Ace of Base, told reporters that right now he is focussed on football and has no time for relationships with attractive television stars.

“Look, I understand that because Bea Arthur and I were high school sweethearts people are going to say things when we’re seen out in public together,” Collins might have said in a make believe statement. “But I don’t think one innocent trip to the early bird special at Hometown Buffet means we’re dating. We’ve just known each other forever and she’s a great partner to train with in the offseason.”

AIG signs multimillion-dollar deal to sponsor President Obama’s bracket

In College Basketball, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 19, 2009 at 23:39

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Leader of the free world and former high school varsity team backup President Barack Obama released his NCAA Tournament bracket today in hopes of distracting the general public from those pesky issues of Wall Street, foreclosures and a two-front war. What was lost in all the hard-hitting coverage of the mainstream media, though, was AIG’s recent $30 million-deal to sponsor the bracket and receive prominent placement on that nifty poster board as the president stood next to ESPN’s Andy Katz.

“We figured that if Citigroup can hold on to the naming rights of the new Mets stadium, then we would be crazy not to spend all that new capital we just received on some good PR,” said Hamburglar, AIG’s newest CEO, in at a make believe press conference held at a local McDonald’s Playland. “I’m not really sure what the White House is going to do with the money, but I heard Emmanuel Rahm mention something about ‘taking care’ of Rush Limbaugh.”  

When reached for comment, a White House spokesman said, “Oh s*#@! Um, well, the President has suggested that the government think about giving 50% of the bonus, er, fee back to AIG.”

Phoenix Suns Auction Off Their 2009 Draft Pick on eBay

In Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners on March 19, 2009 at 17:24

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Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver has decided to forgo his usual process of trading the team’s first round draft pick for cash (with frustrated fans to be named later) and has instead elected to place the organization’s looming lottery pick on eBay.

With a starting bid listed at $75, Sarver expects to see a lot of early action and is even sweetening the pot by offering the winning bidder a chance to help him select the team’s second round draft pick out of a hat, a celebrated process that has brought in some real Marcin Gortat caliber players.

Sarver explains that this bold new strategy is great for both fans and the NBA. “You don’t trade away Luol Deng, Nate Robinson, Rudy Fernandez and Rajon Rando without learning a thing or two,” Sarver fictitiously said. “With this new strategy, a Suns fan can bid on the pick and give it back to the team if he wins the auction. It’s a win-win situation! I get my annual ‘bonus’ and we will be able to finally use those snazzy draft day hats we’ve been saving since we used the 17th overall pick in 2003 to start the Zarko Cabarkapa era.”

Jay Cutler Throws A Temper Tantrum That is Intercepted and Returned for a Touchdown

In People afraid of the dark, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 17, 2009 at 01:30

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For the first time in his erratic career, Jay Cutler is finally showing critics his willingness to stand up and help the Denver Broncos become a championship team. “I really wanted to give them a better chance to win,” Cutler said while talking to Popcorn Muscles make believe reporters. “So I decided to throw a hissy fit and demand a trade.”

With zero winning seasons as a starting quarterback since high school, and demonstrating the decision making ability of a young Rick Mirer, Cutler acknowledges that the team would be better served with Kyle Orton at the helm or by signing former Drew Carey Show extra Bernie Kosar to run the wildcat offense.

“I used to think I was a pretty good quarterback,” said Cutler. “But I can’t argue with Josh McDaniel’s weeks of head coaching experience. He didn’t think I had what it takes, so I had to do the right thing and leave the franchise.”

Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

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In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

Following Six-Overtime loss to Syracuse, Connecticut’s Jim Calhoun demands pay raise for extra hours

In Awful human beings, College Basketball, Draft Busts, Evil Empire, People more important than Jesus, Really? He's still alive, Selfish douche bags on March 14, 2009 at 02:35

 

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During a press conference immediately following thursday night’s six overtime, 127-117 loss to Syracuse, Connecticut Coach Jim “money bags” Calhoun had no interest in talking basketball. In standard Calhoun fashion, all he cared to discuss  was his salary.

Calhoun attacked Connecticut”s Athletic Director (insert name here), arguing that no respectable coach could live on a $1.6 million salary. He mentioned that at just a shade under four hours, this was the longest game in Big East tournament history and demanded compensation for his extra time. “I had to pay my limo driver for an extra hour and that S@!? aint cheap,” Calhoun might have said.

Upon taking a moment to glance at his diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, Calhoun also expressed frustration at the fact the game ended at 1:22 a.m. “Not only is it way past my bedtime,” he told reporters in his surliest old man voice.  “But how is my butler supposed to tuck me in if he’s already asleep?”