Popcorn Muscles

Ambitious New York Mets get early start on September collapse

In 1, Athletes who can't read, Carlos Delgado, Johan Santana, MLB, New York Mets on March 3, 2009 at 06:03

Unlike last season when the New York Mets made fans wait until after Labor Day to flush their season down the toilet, this year’s squad has decided to show a real commitment to losing early in the 2009 season.

Thanks to savvy decisions like negligently injuring Johan Santana and having Oliver Perez bat second in pre-season play, the Mets are working hard to show the baseball world that they have no intention of leading the division at any point throughout the 2009 campaign.

“It’s not easy to play this badly when you have so much natural talent,” says Carlos Delgado in a fictional interview done in the front seat of David Wright’s Miata. “Sometimes when we’re winning late in the game we have to dig deep down, as a team, and remember how little we care about the fans and that paycheck don’t change with wins and losses.”

Though Delgado did not go into specific detail about how they were going to embarrass themselves, the “$16-million .271 hitter” explains that a lot can happen over 162 games with a little creativity and a season-long dedication to indignant failure.

For more information on the pending incompetence just start googling “blown save” now in order to beat the rush or go down to CITI Ballpark and pay $250 to watch the dreams of children dying in a government subsidized stadium.

 

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