In an effort to cripple television ratings and further disinterest NBA fans, the San Antonio Spurs have re-activated Tim “slow and steady” Duncan to rejoin the team as they continue the franchise’s decade long war on fun.
Widely regarded as the single least interesting person on the planet, Duncan’s passionless style and annoying respect of the sport are the single greatest threat to what many hope to be an exciting postseason filled with huge egos and thankless millionaires.
“Every time the Spurs win a game I die a little inside,” said David Stern in a completely made up comment. “I’d rather get herpes or be the NHL commissioner than watch fundamentals and sportsmanship prevail. It’s not what basketball’s about and quite frankly it’s un-American.”
Whether or not Duncan and his delightful French sidekick succeed in ruining the playoffs yet again remains to be seen. Until then, Stern has issued a “threat level orange” warning and advised fans to make alternative plans during the NBA playoffs in case the Spurs make a championship run.