Following an exhausting series of negotiations, Manny Ramirez (best known for his lack of effort after signing new contracts) has agreed to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ original two-year $45 million deal.
Widely regarded as the best player in baseball, the ultra-talented and mentally unbalanced 34-year-old is ready to do whatever it takes to increase his numbers, receive endorsement deals, get on SportsCenter, start his Hollywood career and let the world know how important he is to the team.
Despite a lengthy hold-out, Ramirez is confident he still has time to tear apart the Dodgers’ clubhouse and find an elderly member of the travel staff to assault well before the team’s Opening game. Word on street is that Spring Training is a lot like prison; kicks someone’s ass the first day or become Joe Torre’s bitch.
In the meantime, Popcorn Muscles wishes Manny luck in the upcoming season and urges fans to remember that thousands of people have won World Series rings, but only one man has taken his off while urinating behind the Green Monster at Fenway. Besides, you can’t spell “team” without the “me.”