Popcorn Muscles

NHL’s trading deadline arrives, Americans respond: What the hell is hockey?

In 1, Awful human beings, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 4, 2009 at 20:30


Gary Bettman

NHL officials expressed optimism today that they have finally achieved a leg up in their longstanding rivalry with the WNBA over which is the most irrelevant league in America. Non-existent sources within the league office confirm that their hopes were achieved thanks to the complete ambivalence of the American public in respect to several trading deadline transactions. “We were a little nervous that a big name like Chris Pronger was going to get moved and we might actually end up getting some coverage, but luckily our teams came through and only moved guys named after French desserts,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman if we had actually interviewed him.

Bettman was most likely referencing the Columbus Blue Jackets trade of Pascal Leclaire and a draft pick to the Ottawa Senators for Antoine Vermette. When reached for comment, the Amercian public said they have never heard of any of these people.

“I’m not really that worried about it.” said whoever runs the WNBA nowadays. “We’ve still got some moves of our own. Cynthia Cooper is going into the Basketball Hall of Fame this year and nobody gives a shit about that.”

With a few hours remaining to squeeze a deal in, the NHL officials that weren’t contacted for this story are holding out hope that no one like the Red Wings screws their day up by moving a big name.
“That would be the worst thing that could happen,” Bettman never said. “If someone paid attention to us we could actually save some of these franchises. That’s a lot of paperwork we just don’t want to deal with.”

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