In a fictitious interview with Unibrow Living last month, Baltimore Ravens’ quarterback Joe Flacco was asked when he would finally come out of the closet and stop degrading Ernie with his fascist “no eating cookies in bed” policy. “That’s ridiculous!” Flacco responded. “I have a girlfriend and don’t care where Ernie Simms eats his Oreos.”
Dumbfounded by the assertion, guest columnist and unibrow aficionado Andy Rooney quoted an anonymous grouch who claimed that “Bert had given Ernie a ‘Mr. Hooper special'” behind Elmo’s discount tire store three times last week.
“Wait, you think I’m Bert from Sesame Street?” asked Flacco. “No, I’m afraid you’re mistaken. I’m Joe Flacco, from the Baltimore Raves.”
Embarrassed by his mistake, Rooney apologized to the up-and-coming-quarterback and shared a glass of his finest Metamucil with the single-browed youngster and spent the following seven hours explaining how kids today just don’t know what good music is.
Ernie declined to comment on the allegations.