Popcorn Muscles

SportsCenter to add 9th hour, more random anchors

In Awful human beings, Evil Empire on March 10, 2009 at 19:11

sportscenter_rapidly_shrinking

They’ve gone live, and now they’re going longer. In an unprecedented move (well, if you don’t count the times they added a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh or eighth hour), ESPN has announced plans to add a ninth hour of SportsCenter to their daily programming. “We decided that it was time for our viewers to watch recycled news stories and more screaming pundits, and maybe even a few fired coaches discuss the day’s events,” said the network’s falsified Director of Programming, Joseph Goebbels. “But the best part? We could pretty much put a dog’s shaved ass on there in the morning and people will watch for three consecutive hours.”

Goebbels also mentioned that the Worldwide Leader will introduce new models from their “Charley Steiner Memorial Anchor Lab” to host the hour. Sources indicate the new anchors will come equipped with terrible suits and fresh pop culture references, such as “He pulls a Kobe Bryant and gets away with it,” and “That was ri-DUNK-ulous!”

Viewers can expect the changes to go into effect next month, accompanied by an ad campaign featuring various mascots and network anchors in awkward situations at the ESPN campus — because, you know, both occupations have such great actors.

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