Popcorn Muscles

International Study Reveals Mascots Get Laid A Lot

In dangers to society, mascot sex, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People probably on steroids, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 25, 2009 at 18:23

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In a recent report released by the Louie Anderson Center Of Sexual Discovery, acclaimed sexologist Oliver Christ (no relation), claimed that mascots get laid substantially more than fans, broadcasters and the entire Washington Wizards roster.

According to the study, chubby MLB mascots like the Phillie Phanatic and Lou Piniella are the most popular with housewives and sorority girls, while the Mariner Moose is being considered for a GQ cover shoot thanks to a well-publicized romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. “There’s definitely a lot of fur chasers in the stands every game,” says Benny the Bull. “Back when we were winning NBA Championships I was nailing three chicks every night and sleeping with the hotel maid in the morning.”

While most mascots revel in the fast paced lifestyle, the report also notes that the constant sexual exploits do come at a price. “I remember when I heard the Mariner Moose got syphilis,” recalls his good friend Harvey the Hound. “It really makes you wonder if  all those trips to Thailand are worth it.”

  1. MARINERS RULE! One time the mariner moose punched me in the chest during a game. My friend witnessed this and told me to report him for assault.

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