As part of the NBA’s newly implemented Steven Francis Statute, all players declaring for the NBA Draft will be required to tell David Sterns’ office if they plan to throw a temper tantrum and demand a trade if they are selected by a Canadian franchise.
“Obviously nobody wants to play in a third world country,” Stern said at a fictitious press conference. “So we decided to help out the Raptors by letting them know which players will be willing to play in Canada.”
So far, Stern claims that of the 121 prospects polled, 74 of them would accept playing in Toronto, 31 said they would refuse and 16 players were unable to locate Canada on a world map.
Yanik Velsim, a second round prospect from Uzbekistan, told David Stern that he would rather not play in Canada, but would be willing to move to a less “educated and advanced” nation if he would receive more playing time and a free goat for his cousin, Yuri.
“The key here is to identify which players are willing to live in a strange, foreign land, and which ones don’t want to deal with rampant moose attacks and some sort of deep fried side dish called poutine,” said Stern. “At the end of the day I’m confident that the idea of free health care and partying with Jake Voskul will attract at least one poor soul into an organization with just a single playoff series win in franchise history. Hell, I’d bet Andrea Bargnani’s first overall draft pick salary on it!”