Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘Athletes who can’t read’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

APTOPIX Bonds Steroids Basseball

 

After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

Read More Articles

Advertisements

Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to New York Giants Because Blue Uniforms Make Him Look Fat

In Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, mascot sex, NFL, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 20, 2009 at 17:46

anquan-boldin

 

Arizona Cardinals’ Wide Receiver and avid stamp collector Anquan Boldin (who recently wrote the forward of Terrell Owens new book How to Look Ripped While Ruining A Franchise), recently told Spoiled Athlete Magazine that he would refuse to accept a trade to the New York Giants, as their dark blue uniforms make him look a tad on the chubby side.

Boldin, who has recently begun dating a full length mirror, explained that he would prefer to play for teams with lighter color schemes like the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals, as they would really make his muscles “pop” while yelling at teammates and complaining about his touches.

“I’m demanding a trade from a Super Bowl team with a proven quarterback and solid offense,” Boldin fictitiously told a reporter while picking up Matt Leinart and his date from the Desert Mountain High School junior prom. “I clearly don’t care if I win football games. It’s all about how I look on the field and whether or not the cameras can see how defined my biceps are while I’m ignoring my fans or flirting with Sal Paolantonio between plays.”

 

Read More Articles

Sacramento Kings Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Played a Part in the Team’s 17-65 Record

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, NBA, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Sacramento Kings, Selfish douche bags, Sexual Predators, Teams nobody cares about on April 16, 2009 at 16:47

kings suck

In a recent interview with Fledgling Franchises Magazine, Sacramento Kings’ owner and suspected polka enthusiast George Maloof admitted that the junior high caliber roster he put together may have played a small factor in the team’s “Detroit Lions-esque season.”

“Obviously the economy is the biggest reason for our on court failure,” Maloof told a reporter that he later tried to have sex with. “But it’s possible that Beno Udrih is not the franchise player we thought he was and I’m pretty sure we traded for the wrong Kenny Thomas.”

Maloof added that Bobby Jackson shooting 31 percent from the field, Shareef’ Abdur-Rahim’s allergic reaction to playing defense and Spencer Hawes embarrassing appearance on the reality show Sunset Tan may have hurt the organization, but did not cause irreparable/Kwame Brown damages.

“Nobody wants to be the team that finishes below the Clippers,” he explained. “But we have several young players that are showing Scott Pollard potential, and with a few high draft picks we could be a playoff team well before I try and move the Kings to Las Vegas.”

Finally Laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, NBA, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:39

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

nhl-cookie

Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Chicago Bears Receive Prank Phone Call About Rex Grossman’s Availability

In 19165268, Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NFL, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 15, 2009 at 16:08

 

rexgrossmansucks

 

After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.

“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”

However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones,  but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”

Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.

Read More Articles

Chris Kaman Begins Teaching a Class on “How To Pick Up Women” at Local Community College

In 18992800, Athletes who can't read, Best Mullets in Sports, Chris Kaman, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People who will die virgins, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on April 13, 2009 at 18:40

chris_kaman_ugliest_1

 

Los Angeles Clippers’ center and NBA hearthrob Chris Kaman has decided to forgo his usual offseason routine of gaining weight and not practicing free throws, in order to teach desperate virgins how to get laid.

Kaman, who has slept with well over six women, plans to demonstrate the “You know I’m in the top six of LA Clippers’ scoring” technique as well as his critically acclaimed “Would you like to come back to my windowless van?” line, that worked on Pat Summit last October.

 With guest lecturers Mike Dunleavy and Pete Samprass on board, Kaman is confident that his class will offer a unique perspective on sexual attraction and become far more popular than the Yao Ming Sex Academy.

 

Read More Articles

Local Prison Plans to Hold NFL Pro Day

In Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Draft Busts, International incidents, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 24, 2009 at 17:02

220107mexicans4

 

In an effort to help NFL franchises replace players currently incarcerated throughout the country, Leavenworth Penitentiary has begun their “Pay it Forward” campaign, by inviting the league’s top scouts to the prison’s first ever scouting combine.

Headlined by defensive end prospect Rashard “Stabby” Johnson, who impressed several general managers by bench-pressing the rotting carcass of a  225 pound man he strangled to death over three dozen times, some scouts feel this is the deepest group of  inmates since the Hall of Fame class from San Quentin in 1992. 

“There’s a lot of talented players out here to choose from,” said one anonymous and possibly non-existent scout. “And when evaluating prospects at local prisons you don’t have to deal with the character issues you get at Florida State or Miami.”

Kerry Collins Denies Romantic Ties to Bea Arthur

In Athletes who can't read, Illiterate rednecks, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 20, 2009 at 17:36

bea_arthur

 

At a recent press conference held outside the Vince Young Center For Mental Health, Kerry Collins told reporters that rumors about his relationship with Bea Arthur are untrue, and an unfortunate example of the press using two high-profile sex symbols to sell more magazines.

Collins, whose ex-girlfriends include the mother from Family Matters, Doug Christie’s wife and both skinny members from Ace of Base, told reporters that right now he is focussed on football and has no time for relationships with attractive television stars.

“Look, I understand that because Bea Arthur and I were high school sweethearts people are going to say things when we’re seen out in public together,” Collins might have said in a make believe statement. “But I don’t think one innocent trip to the early bird special at Hometown Buffet means we’re dating. We’ve just known each other forever and she’s a great partner to train with in the offseason.”

Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

george-bush-first-pitch

In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Detroit Tigers, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 13, 2009 at 18:51

 

tigers1

Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.

Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”

Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”