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Archive for the ‘Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

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After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Tyson Chandler Officially Over Hasty Break Up With Hornets And Is Excited To Remain Teammates With Benefits

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NBA, Overpaid Bums, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Really? He's still alive, Tyson Chandler on April 22, 2009 at 20:33

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After an ill-conceived trade earlier this year that nearly sent alleged NBA Center and jDate spokesman Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for Joe Smith and a bottle of Robert Swift’s acne cream, the New Orleans Hornets and their $12 million offensive liability are finally over the awkward break-up and have decided to remain teammates with benefits throughout the postseason.

“It’s not like we’re teenage girls or the Los Angeles Clippers here,” said Hornet’s General Manager Jeff Bower at a press conference outside of the Oliver Miller Cheesecake Emporium. “We’re all professionals trying to win games, get an NBA championship and most importantly make sure Peja Stojakovic takes his contractually mandated monthly shower.”

Chandler, who remains the only active NBA player to own all seven seasons of The Gilmore Girls on DVD, recently admitted that he expects to be involved in trade talks over the offseason, claiming that “injury prone centers with $12 million salaries and almost nine points per game don’t grow on trees. It’s pretty much just me and Samuel Dalembert, and that guy smells worse than Peja!”

 

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Mehmet Okur Set to Release Gangster Rap Album Over Offseason

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Best Mullets in Sports, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Mehmet Okur, NBA, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Utah Jazz on April 21, 2009 at 17:48

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Utah Jazz Forward and Mormon sex symbol Mehmet Okur recently told both members of his fan club that he plans to record a hard core gangster rap album this summer in an effort to finally start scoring Matt Harpring quality ass.

The album, tentatively titled The Other White Meat, features cameo tracks from Vanilla Ice, Harvey Keitel and Andrei Kirelenko with a secret song from producer and best friend Dr. Dre at the end of the LP. “When I first recorded the song ‘I nailed Pat Summitt in the back of a Hyundai’ people started realizing how hard core my rhymes were,” Okur said while signing autographs at a local petting zoo. “I feel like I have the potential to be the best Turkish rapper in all of Salt Lake City.”

While critics claim Okur’s music still hasn’t hit the artistic level of Kobe Bryant’s eerily titled duet “Hold Me” with R. Kelly (or as the track is currently labelled “Prosecution Exhibit C”), many industry insider believe Okur’s good looks and  unquestioned “street cred” will propel his album to the top of the charts and even lead to an interview with his boyhood hero Ryan Seacrest.

 

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