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Gilbert Arenas to Teach Sportsmanship Class at the Tracy McGrady Center for Playoff Excellence

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Houston Rockets, People afraid of the dark, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tracy McGrady on April 17, 2009 at 18:48

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After a tiring two game season, Gilbert Arenas (who was missing shots at midseason form while going 6-21 from the field), has decided to take time off from writing his Darius Songaila tell-all book and spend the offseason teaching a class on sportsmanship at the Tracy McGrady Center of Playoff Excellence.

“A lot of young NBA players don’t realize that basketball games are won and lost in the post game interview,” Arenas fictitiously said . “Sure, everyone knows that taunting opponents  and making obscene predictions are important, but there’s so much wisdom I have left to teach.”

Founded by the Rocket’s “star” in 2005 after an exceptionally depressing first round loss to the Dallas Mavericks, the McGrady Center aims to teach young NBA players that winning playoff rounds is not the only measure of postseason success. “People think that just because I’ve never got out of the first round I’m some sort of choke artist,” McGrady said in a make believe interview. “But there’s more to being a playoff performer than actually winning games, and I think a guy like Gilbert can really help get that message across.”

Isaiah Thomas Excited To Ruin Careers at the College Level

In Awful human beings, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Isaiah Thomas, NBA, New York Knicks, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 14, 2009 at 18:53

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Fresh off of a five year stint destroying the the New York Knicks and staving off sexual harassment lawsuits, Isaiah Thomas has decided to return to the college game (after a very brief three decade hiatus), after signing a deal to become the head basketball coach at Florida International University earlier today.

Thomas, who lists “dream killing” under the special skills portion of his resume’, brings a level of excitement to the FIU campus unseen since fresh fishstick day at the Wilson Dormitory cafeteria and renewed hope to a team that was tired of good character and fundamental basketball . 

“Our fans support the team, the players have great attitudes and there’s a lot of selflessness in the locker room,” Thomas said at an admittedly fake press conference. “It’s going to take me at least seven months to erase all of that.”

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Search For John Daly’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Really? He's still alive, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 7, 2009 at 17:58

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At a press conference held outside Rooster Red’s Cock Fighting Bar and All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet in Atlanta, a spokesman for the National Guard told a group of semi-interested reporters that the 17 year search for John Daly’s dignity has finally ended.

“We really tried our best to find it,” said Russell Stein, who has also led searches for the Loch Ness Monster, Nicole Simpsons’ real killer and NHL television ratings. “We got really close at a Taiwanese strip club in 1997, but nobody has seen John Daly’s dignity in over a decade, so we figured it was lost forever.”

Stein added that Daly’s self-respect and short game remain missing, but are no longer top priorities for his organization.

Phoenix Suns Auction Off Their 2009 Draft Pick on eBay

In Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners on March 19, 2009 at 17:24

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Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver has decided to forgo his usual process of trading the team’s first round draft pick for cash (with frustrated fans to be named later) and has instead elected to place the organization’s looming lottery pick on eBay.

With a starting bid listed at $75, Sarver expects to see a lot of early action and is even sweetening the pot by offering the winning bidder a chance to help him select the team’s second round draft pick out of a hat, a celebrated process that has brought in some real Marcin Gortat caliber players.

Sarver explains that this bold new strategy is great for both fans and the NBA. “You don’t trade away Luol Deng, Nate Robinson, Rudy Fernandez and Rajon Rando without learning a thing or two,” Sarver fictitiously said. “With this new strategy, a Suns fan can bid on the pick and give it back to the team if he wins the auction. It’s a win-win situation! I get my annual ‘bonus’ and we will be able to finally use those snazzy draft day hats we’ve been saving since we used the 17th overall pick in 2003 to start the Zarko Cabarkapa era.”

Following Six-Overtime loss to Syracuse, Connecticut’s Jim Calhoun demands pay raise for extra hours

In Awful human beings, College Basketball, Draft Busts, Evil Empire, People more important than Jesus, Really? He's still alive, Selfish douche bags on March 14, 2009 at 02:35

 

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During a press conference immediately following thursday night’s six overtime, 127-117 loss to Syracuse, Connecticut Coach Jim “money bags” Calhoun had no interest in talking basketball. In standard Calhoun fashion, all he cared to discuss  was his salary.

Calhoun attacked Connecticut”s Athletic Director (insert name here), arguing that no respectable coach could live on a $1.6 million salary. He mentioned that at just a shade under four hours, this was the longest game in Big East tournament history and demanded compensation for his extra time. “I had to pay my limo driver for an extra hour and that S@!? aint cheap,” Calhoun might have said.

Upon taking a moment to glance at his diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, Calhoun also expressed frustration at the fact the game ended at 1:22 a.m. “Not only is it way past my bedtime,” he told reporters in his surliest old man voice.  “But how is my butler supposed to tuck me in if he’s already asleep?”

The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Detroit Tigers, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 13, 2009 at 18:51

 

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Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.

Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”

Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”

Stuart Scott challenges Amar’e Stoudemire to staring contest

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, NBA, People more important than Jesus, phoenix suns, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 12, 2009 at 19:16

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SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! ESPN’s Stuart Scott will enter the ring against Phoenix Suns forward Amar’e Stoudemire for their long-awaited, highly anticipated stare down (dubbed by promoter Don King as “The Peek-a-Boo Zoo.” “Amar’e’s been avoiding me all these years and taunting me with his two good eyes,” said Scott, who’s also known as the hardest working lazy eye in show business, at a fictional pre-staring contest press conference. “That smug bastard knows this one is personal. Booyah!”

After detaching his retina in a game against the LA Clippers and absolutely destroying any hopes for the Suns to make the playoffs, Stoudemire decided to finally retaliate after years of jabs from Scott. “It was time to do something,” Stoudemire said when we pretended to reach him for comment. “But in reality, I didn’t even know he was talking to me when he first brought the contest up. I can never tell when he’s talking to me, actually. It’s almost impossible to get that guy to look you in the eye.”

Scheduled to take place at the Bristol metro area Lenscrafters, promoters are hoping for a large online viewership via Espn360.com.

Kobe needs time away from basketball fans; Gets Peace and Quiet at Clippers game

In Awful human beings, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers, NBA, People more important than Jesus, Teams nobody cares about on March 11, 2009 at 17:00

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As playoff pressure begins to mount in the Lakers’ locker room, team leader and occasional midget wrangler Kobe Bryant went to a Los Angeles Clippers game to clear his head and get some peace and quiet. “I thought about going to a library or an Alex Rodriguez fan club meeting,” Bryant said in a pretend interview. “But there’s always a couple basketball fans there who  ask for my autograph or want to know if the rumors about Pau Gasol and ‘the goat’ are true. That’s why I love Clipper games. Not a basketball fan  for miles!”

Known as “the loneliest place on earth” or “the building where dreams go to die,” the Clippers home arena (which urban legend claims is shared with the Lakers) provides an unmatched level of peace, quiet and reasonably priced hot dogs for celebrities looking to get away from the stressors of high profile events.

“I once dropped a pin while sitting in the 18th row,” says Bryant. “And then some guy I assume is some sort of date rapist or custodial worker named Chris Kaman asked me to keep the noise down.”

 

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SportsCenter to add 9th hour, more random anchors

In Awful human beings, Evil Empire on March 10, 2009 at 19:11

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They’ve gone live, and now they’re going longer. In an unprecedented move (well, if you don’t count the times they added a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh or eighth hour), ESPN has announced plans to add a ninth hour of SportsCenter to their daily programming. “We decided that it was time for our viewers to watch recycled news stories and more screaming pundits, and maybe even a few fired coaches discuss the day’s events,” said the network’s falsified Director of Programming, Joseph Goebbels. “But the best part? We could pretty much put a dog’s shaved ass on there in the morning and people will watch for three consecutive hours.”

Goebbels also mentioned that the Worldwide Leader will introduce new models from their “Charley Steiner Memorial Anchor Lab” to host the hour. Sources indicate the new anchors will come equipped with terrible suits and fresh pop culture references, such as “He pulls a Kobe Bryant and gets away with it,” and “That was ri-DUNK-ulous!”

Viewers can expect the changes to go into effect next month, accompanied by an ad campaign featuring various mascots and network anchors in awkward situations at the ESPN campus — because, you know, both occupations have such great actors.

Bob Knight forgets to take his meds, suggests expanding March Madness to 128 teams

In Awful human beings, College Basketball, International incidents, People more important than Jesus on March 9, 2009 at 21:35

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After choking his nurse and throwing a chair at an orderly over his Jell-O order, Bob Knight hopped on the phone this morning with SportsCenter to talk some college basketball. Among his various ramblings and “insights,” the legendary coach suggested expanding the field of 64 teams in the NCAA Tournament to a robust 128. To her credit, anchor Hannah Storm responded with, “Wow, talk about March Madness!” (Yup, thanks Hannah. Good luck with that transfer to First Take.)

Knight made his suggestion after being asked if he believed the criticism by whiny Utah fans that every school on every level should always be included in any tournament the NCAA conducts. When fictionally reached for comment at the NCAA headquarters in Latveria, commissioner Dr. Victor Von Doom said, “Hahahaha! Yes! Yes! YES!” Doom subsequently denied the eligibility of 10 freshmen.

Following his interview, false sources have confirmed to Popcorn Muscles that Knight packed his five favorite sweaters and escaped his retirement home in a yellow truck with painted red flames and “Pussy Wagon” emblazoned on the tailgate. Officials urge anyone with information to contact them immediately.