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Archive for the ‘Draft Busts’ Category

Tyson Chandler Officially Over Hasty Break Up With Hornets And Is Excited To Remain Teammates With Benefits

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NBA, Overpaid Bums, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Really? He's still alive, Tyson Chandler on April 22, 2009 at 20:33

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After an ill-conceived trade earlier this year that nearly sent alleged NBA Center and jDate spokesman Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for Joe Smith and a bottle of Robert Swift’s acne cream, the New Orleans Hornets and their $12 million offensive liability are finally over the awkward break-up and have decided to remain teammates with benefits throughout the postseason.

“It’s not like we’re teenage girls or the Los Angeles Clippers here,” said Hornet’s General Manager Jeff Bower at a press conference outside of the Oliver Miller Cheesecake Emporium. “We’re all professionals trying to win games, get an NBA championship and most importantly make sure Peja Stojakovic takes his contractually mandated monthly shower.”

Chandler, who remains the only active NBA player to own all seven seasons of The Gilmore Girls on DVD, recently admitted that he expects to be involved in trade talks over the offseason, claiming that “injury prone centers with $12 million salaries and almost nine points per game don’t grow on trees. It’s pretty much just me and Samuel Dalembert, and that guy smells worse than Peja!”

 

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Sacramento Kings Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Played a Part in the Team’s 17-65 Record

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, NBA, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Sacramento Kings, Selfish douche bags, Sexual Predators, Teams nobody cares about on April 16, 2009 at 16:47

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In a recent interview with Fledgling Franchises Magazine, Sacramento Kings’ owner and suspected polka enthusiast George Maloof admitted that the junior high caliber roster he put together may have played a small factor in the team’s “Detroit Lions-esque season.”

“Obviously the economy is the biggest reason for our on court failure,” Maloof told a reporter that he later tried to have sex with. “But it’s possible that Beno Udrih is not the franchise player we thought he was and I’m pretty sure we traded for the wrong Kenny Thomas.”

Maloof added that Bobby Jackson shooting 31 percent from the field, Shareef’ Abdur-Rahim’s allergic reaction to playing defense and Spencer Hawes embarrassing appearance on the reality show Sunset Tan may have hurt the organization, but did not cause irreparable/Kwame Brown damages.

“Nobody wants to be the team that finishes below the Clippers,” he explained. “But we have several young players that are showing Scott Pollard potential, and with a few high draft picks we could be a playoff team well before I try and move the Kings to Las Vegas.”

Finally Laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, NBA, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:39

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

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Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

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Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

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New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

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Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

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Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

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Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

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Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Chicago Bears Receive Prank Phone Call About Rex Grossman’s Availability

In 19165268, Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NFL, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 15, 2009 at 16:08

 

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After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.

“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”

However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones,  but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”

Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.

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Top Football Recruit Stops For Gas At Notre Dame on Way To Visit University Of Florida

In dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about, Teams that never cover the spread, Teams with Fat Coaches, University of Notre Dame on April 14, 2009 at 16:20

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On a recent recruiting trip to Gainesville, five star offensive tackle recruit James Hurst stopped to fill up his Mazda Miata just outside the Ron Powlus Center for Disappointment at the University of Notre Dame.

“I actually didn’t know they had a football team,” said the Indiana native in a fictitious interview. “My Grandpa used to talk about Fighting Irish football winning national championships, but he had Alzheimers so I assumed it was sort of like his theory about the fake moon landing or Montreal baseball.”

Hurst, who had his gas tank filled up by Junior Pump Specialist Rick Mirer, was reportedly impressed with the shiny gold dome in the middle of the campus, and even told a friend that he hoped the mid-major program would one day be able to compete with schools like Syracuse and Air Force.

 

Written by David Breitman

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Chris Kaman Begins Teaching a Class on “How To Pick Up Women” at Local Community College

In 18992800, Athletes who can't read, Best Mullets in Sports, Chris Kaman, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People who will die virgins, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on April 13, 2009 at 18:40

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Los Angeles Clippers’ center and NBA hearthrob Chris Kaman has decided to forgo his usual offseason routine of gaining weight and not practicing free throws, in order to teach desperate virgins how to get laid.

Kaman, who has slept with well over six women, plans to demonstrate the “You know I’m in the top six of LA Clippers’ scoring” technique as well as his critically acclaimed “Would you like to come back to my windowless van?” line, that worked on Pat Summit last October.

 With guest lecturers Mike Dunleavy and Pete Samprass on board, Kaman is confident that his class will offer a unique perspective on sexual attraction and become far more popular than the Yao Ming Sex Academy.

 

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Tampa Bay Lightning Plan To Show 86-Second Barry Melrose Tribute Montage At Their Final Home Game

In Best Mullets in Sports, dangers to society, Draft Busts, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tampa Bay Lightning, Teams nobody cares about, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 9, 2009 at 17:23

 

 

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Following the wildly successful release of Vinncent Lecavalier and The Sorcerer’s Stone, The Tampa Bay Lightning have decided to produce a short film entitled Behind the Mullet; A look at Barry Melrose’s Time in Tampa Bay.

The R Rated Movie (which features guest commentary from Steven Stamkos and Roman Polanski) , documents all 16 games Melrose coached in Tampa Bay including the six straight Mario Tremblay-style losses he began the season with. 

“It was tough to find 86 seconds worth of highlights,” said Lightning General Manager Brian Lawton. “But we spliced together all five of his wins with some shots of him and Darryl Sutter beating up midgets at a Chinese restaurantand ended up with a pretty solid film. I think it will be a really great thing to show between the national anthem and our inevitable loss.”

Daunte Culpepper Voted Least Likely To Succeed At Detroit Lions’ Mini-Camp

In Detroit Lions, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Matt Millen, NFL, picking on fat kids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 2, 2009 at 16:59

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Just months after the release of his tell-all children’s book, Daunte Culpepper (who recently earned extra money serving as the stunt double for the Pillsbury Doughboy on a croissant commercial), continued his downward spiral into football mediocrity by being named Least Likely To Succeed at the Detroit Lions mimi-camp earlier this week.

The Jon Kitna Award, which is annually presented by three-time winner and current tire salesman Charles Rogers, marks the first time a Lions’ quarterback has received the honor since Joey Harrington, and the only instance someone has been shown such little faith by his teammates just six months after signing with the organization.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that nearly everybody on this roster will fail in some capacity this season,” said team captain Ernie Sims. “But Daunte does it in such a spectacular way, that it would be foolish to give the award to somebody else.”

Toronto Raptors Given An Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them

In Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about, Toronto Raptors on March 30, 2009 at 18:58

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As part of the NBA’s newly implemented Steven Francis Statute, all players declaring for the NBA Draft will be required to tell David Sterns’ office if they plan to throw a temper tantrum and demand a trade if they are selected by a Canadian franchise.

“Obviously nobody wants to play in a third world country,” Stern said at a fictitious press conference. “So we decided to help out the Raptors by letting them know which players will be willing to play in Canada.”

So far, Stern claims that of the 121 prospects polled, 74 of them would accept playing in Toronto, 31 said they would refuse and 16 players were unable to locate Canada on a world map.

Yanik Velsim, a second round prospect from Uzbekistan, told David Stern that he would rather not play in Canada, but would be willing to move to a less “educated and advanced” nation if he would receive more playing time and a free goat for his cousin, Yuri.

“The key here is to identify which players are willing to live in a strange, foreign land, and which ones don’t want to deal with rampant moose attacks and some sort of deep fried side dish called poutine,” said Stern. “At the end of the day I’m confident that the idea of free health care and partying with Jake Voskul will attract at least one poor soul into an organization with just a single playoff series win in franchise history. Hell, I’d bet Andrea Bargnani’s first overall draft pick salary on it!”

Local Prison Plans to Hold NFL Pro Day

In Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Draft Busts, International incidents, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 24, 2009 at 17:02

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In an effort to help NFL franchises replace players currently incarcerated throughout the country, Leavenworth Penitentiary has begun their “Pay it Forward” campaign, by inviting the league’s top scouts to the prison’s first ever scouting combine.

Headlined by defensive end prospect Rashard “Stabby” Johnson, who impressed several general managers by bench-pressing the rotting carcass of a  225 pound man he strangled to death over three dozen times, some scouts feel this is the deepest group of  inmates since the Hall of Fame class from San Quentin in 1992. 

“There’s a lot of talented players out here to choose from,” said one anonymous and possibly non-existent scout. “And when evaluating prospects at local prisons you don’t have to deal with the character issues you get at Florida State or Miami.”