Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘Illiterate rednecks’ Category

Chris Kaman Begins Teaching a Class on “How To Pick Up Women” at Local Community College

In 18992800, Athletes who can't read, Best Mullets in Sports, Chris Kaman, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People who will die virgins, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on April 13, 2009 at 18:40



Los Angeles Clippers’ center and NBA hearthrob Chris Kaman has decided to forgo his usual offseason routine of gaining weight and not practicing free throws, in order to teach desperate virgins how to get laid.

Kaman, who has slept with well over six women, plans to demonstrate the “You know I’m in the top six of LA Clippers’ scoring” technique as well as his critically acclaimed “Would you like to come back to my windowless van?” line, that worked on Pat Summit last October.

 With guest lecturers Mike Dunleavy and Pete Samprass on board, Kaman is confident that his class will offer a unique perspective on sexual attraction and become far more popular than the Yao Ming Sex Academy.


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Search For John Daly’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Really? He's still alive, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 7, 2009 at 17:58



At a press conference held outside Rooster Red’s Cock Fighting Bar and All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet in Atlanta, a spokesman for the National Guard told a group of semi-interested reporters that the 17 year search for John Daly’s dignity has finally ended.

“We really tried our best to find it,” said Russell Stein, who has also led searches for the Loch Ness Monster, Nicole Simpsons’ real killer and NHL television ratings. “We got really close at a Taiwanese strip club in 1997, but nobody has seen John Daly’s dignity in over a decade, so we figured it was lost forever.”

Stein added that Daly’s self-respect and short game remain missing, but are no longer top priorities for his organization.

Kerry Collins Denies Romantic Ties to Bea Arthur

In Athletes who can't read, Illiterate rednecks, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 20, 2009 at 17:36



At a recent press conference held outside the Vince Young Center For Mental Health, Kerry Collins told reporters that rumors about his relationship with Bea Arthur are untrue, and an unfortunate example of the press using two high-profile sex symbols to sell more magazines.

Collins, whose ex-girlfriends include the mother from Family Matters, Doug Christie’s wife and both skinny members from Ace of Base, told reporters that right now he is focussed on football and has no time for relationships with attractive television stars.

“Look, I understand that because Bea Arthur and I were high school sweethearts people are going to say things when we’re seen out in public together,” Collins might have said in a make believe statement. “But I don’t think one innocent trip to the early bird special at Hometown Buffet means we’re dating. We’ve just known each other forever and she’s a great partner to train with in the offseason.”

Nashville Predators fans call Atlanta a “ridiculous” city for an NHL franchise

In Atlanta Thrasher, Illiterate rednecks, NHL, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Shitty Owners on March 12, 2009 at 17:15



At a sparsely attended Tuesday evening home game against the Washington Capitals, the entire Nashville Predators’ fan club (who regularly carpool together in a Kia Sorento), called Gary Bettman’s decision to put a franchise in Atlanta “one of the 612 worst things he has done as commissioner.”

Predator fans note that Atlanta’s league-worst attendance figures finally disproves the widely held belief that Georgia is the epicenter of the hockey world and that Atlanta residents are the most passionate NHL fans in the world.  

Bettman, who is coming off a guest starring role in Little People, Big World, declined to comment as his daily meeting with the league’s bankruptcy lawyers ran a little longer than usual.

For those in Atlanta ready to show the burgeoning Tennessee hockey market how the Peach State rolls, the Thrashers are playing at home this Monday with “Bring Every Single Person You know” night at Phillips Arena. The game can also be seen on Versus as during their highly rated 2 am to 3:30 am time slot.

(For the record, Nashville is 29th in attendance.)

Nascar Pit Crew Plays in Traffic

In Athletes who can't read, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, Nascar, Selfish pricks on March 12, 2009 at 03:49



Written By Brad Wolf

With blantant disregard for his team’s chances (and less importantly, his life), NASCAR pit crew member Jimmy Watts broke the sport’s cardinal rule during the 67th lap of Sundays Sprint Cup. 

Like a clumsy fat kid chasing a runaway gumball, Watts awkwardly ran after a loose tire heading straight towards oncoming traffic just minutes after the first 268 left turns were made. As every American with a hunting license and Confederate tattoo knows, the NASCAR rule book clearly states that pit crew members are not to go on the track for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER while cars are racing. In his defense though, we must admit that language is very vague. What specifically does ANY REASON WHATSOEVER entail? Your guess is as good as ours.

In an interview with popcorn mucles that may or may not have actually taken place we asked Watts to explain his blantant disregard of the written rules. Watts responded by saying, “I work for a NASCAR pit crew, I can’t read all dem fancy books.”

 In response to this groundbreaking idiocy, NASCAR announced their plans to release the latest edition of the rulebook on audio tape  narrated by Larry the Cable Guy with special guest Jeff Foxworthy entitled “Rules … git em done!”