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Archive for the ‘International incidents’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

APTOPIX Bonds Steroids Basseball

 

After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade

In Best Mullets in Sports, fake tans, International incidents, NFL, NFL Draft, People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 27, 2009 at 18:50

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Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.

“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”

Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”

 

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Finally Laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, NBA, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:39

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

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Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

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Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

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New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

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Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

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Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

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Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

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Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Local Prison Plans to Hold NFL Pro Day

In Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Draft Busts, International incidents, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 24, 2009 at 17:02

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In an effort to help NFL franchises replace players currently incarcerated throughout the country, Leavenworth Penitentiary has begun their “Pay it Forward” campaign, by inviting the league’s top scouts to the prison’s first ever scouting combine.

Headlined by defensive end prospect Rashard “Stabby” Johnson, who impressed several general managers by bench-pressing the rotting carcass of a  225 pound man he strangled to death over three dozen times, some scouts feel this is the deepest group of  inmates since the Hall of Fame class from San Quentin in 1992. 

“There’s a lot of talented players out here to choose from,” said one anonymous and possibly non-existent scout. “And when evaluating prospects at local prisons you don’t have to deal with the character issues you get at Florida State or Miami.”

Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

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In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Detroit Tigers, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 13, 2009 at 18:51

 

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Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.

Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”

Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”

Stuart Scott challenges Amar’e Stoudemire to staring contest

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, NBA, People more important than Jesus, phoenix suns, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 12, 2009 at 19:16

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SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! ESPN’s Stuart Scott will enter the ring against Phoenix Suns forward Amar’e Stoudemire for their long-awaited, highly anticipated stare down (dubbed by promoter Don King as “The Peek-a-Boo Zoo.” “Amar’e’s been avoiding me all these years and taunting me with his two good eyes,” said Scott, who’s also known as the hardest working lazy eye in show business, at a fictional pre-staring contest press conference. “That smug bastard knows this one is personal. Booyah!”

After detaching his retina in a game against the LA Clippers and absolutely destroying any hopes for the Suns to make the playoffs, Stoudemire decided to finally retaliate after years of jabs from Scott. “It was time to do something,” Stoudemire said when we pretended to reach him for comment. “But in reality, I didn’t even know he was talking to me when he first brought the contest up. I can never tell when he’s talking to me, actually. It’s almost impossible to get that guy to look you in the eye.”

Scheduled to take place at the Bristol metro area Lenscrafters, promoters are hoping for a large online viewership via Espn360.com.

Urban Meyer and Bob Stoops call NCAA Tournament bracket “illogical”

In College Basketball, International incidents, People more important than Jesus, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 10, 2009 at 17:00

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At a fake press conference held outside Mack Brown’s home early this morning, Florida Gators football coach Urban Meyer told reporters that he didn’t approve of the controversial NCAA Basketball Tournament claiming it was “unfair to the fans” and “inconsistent with the tried and true BCS System.”

“It’s ridiculous,” said Meyer to a group of confused reporters. “Big schools shouldn’t have to waste their time giving smaller colleges a chance to compete. At this point it makes sense to ask a few dozen basketball writers who their favorite two teams are and let them play for the championship. How much more exciting would that be than a monotonous 64-team tournament?”

Joined by Bob Stoops (who sported a collection of bacon grease stains on his “I heart Hometown Buffet” t-shirt), Meyer explained that a series of bowl games featuring the best 64 teams would be much more enthralling for the fans. “Imagine how exciting it would be for UConn if after 32 regular season games they got to play Duke in the “Monistat 7 Bowl.”  They’d get to compete against the second best team from another conference AND have the next night free to watch UNC battle Pitt for the national championship! It’s a win-win for everyone!”

Though Lou Holtz was unable to incoherently comment/ramble from his hyperbaric chamber, several ESPN analysts debated the idea for nine straight hours and began a new segment called “Gottlieb’s Bowl Projections” sponsored by “Gel-met… the only hair gel that turns hair into a helmet.”

 

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Bob Knight forgets to take his meds, suggests expanding March Madness to 128 teams

In Awful human beings, College Basketball, International incidents, People more important than Jesus on March 9, 2009 at 21:35

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After choking his nurse and throwing a chair at an orderly over his Jell-O order, Bob Knight hopped on the phone this morning with SportsCenter to talk some college basketball. Among his various ramblings and “insights,” the legendary coach suggested expanding the field of 64 teams in the NCAA Tournament to a robust 128. To her credit, anchor Hannah Storm responded with, “Wow, talk about March Madness!” (Yup, thanks Hannah. Good luck with that transfer to First Take.)

Knight made his suggestion after being asked if he believed the criticism by whiny Utah fans that every school on every level should always be included in any tournament the NCAA conducts. When fictionally reached for comment at the NCAA headquarters in Latveria, commissioner Dr. Victor Von Doom said, “Hahahaha! Yes! Yes! YES!” Doom subsequently denied the eligibility of 10 freshmen.

Following his interview, false sources have confirmed to Popcorn Muscles that Knight packed his five favorite sweaters and escaped his retirement home in a yellow truck with painted red flames and “Pussy Wagon” emblazoned on the tailgate. Officials urge anyone with information to contact them immediately.

Mavericks launch “Win a Date With Dirk Nowitzki” promotion

In Athletes who can't read, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, International incidents, NBA, People afraid of the dark, Teams nobody cares about on March 9, 2009 at 17:35

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In order to reach out to the coveted “desperate women willing to settle for anything that will put a ring on their finger” demographic, the Dallas Mavericks have launched a brand new marketing campaign featuring sort of creepy, but completely available Dirk Nowitzki.

Win a Date With Dirk Nowitzki,” (which narrowly edged out “Get high with Josh Howard”), begins next week and is already receiving lots of positive feedback. “I don’t really care about looks,” says a fictitious 32-year-old mother of nine currently collecting welfare. “He makes a lot of money and can reach things on the top shelf. Besides, sometimes you just have to lower your standards.”

The lucky gal (or guy) who wins the contest will receive a free dinner, limo ride and the chance to be seen around Dallas with the town’s most eligible foreign bachelor. And remember ladies, Dirk lets pretty much anybody score on him, so bring protection and get ready for a memorable night.

Feel free to enter at WWW.DOTHEDIRK.COM

 

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