Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘MLB’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

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After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

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In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Detroit Tigers, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 13, 2009 at 18:51

 

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Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.

Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”

Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”

A-Rod wants to be known for choking in playoffs, not as the face of steroids

In A-Rod, Awful human beings, MLB, New York Yankees, People probably on steroids, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 4, 2009 at 18:18

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Alex Rodriguez is irate that the baseball world is focusing on his recent steroid abuse, and ignoring his complete lack of playoff success.

Known as Mr. April, Rodriguez (who has gone 7-for-44 in his past three postseason performances) takes a lot of pride in being a playoff liability and was even talking to Viagra about an endorsement deal. “Performing under pressure is never easy. But nobody likes a player who can’t succeed when it’s hard.”

While waiting to once again reclaim his rightful place as the league’s least dependable playoff hitter, A-Rod is going to focus on romancing elderly pop stars, while taking time out to disappoint children and embarrass his family.

Rodriguez believes that once October comes around the media will once again focus on his constant strikeouts and poor defense as opposed to the fact that he had to take performance-enhancing drugs to let down his team.

Manny bends over and accepts Dodgers’ original offer

In 1, LA Dodgers, Manny Ramirez, MLB on March 4, 2009 at 03:11

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Following an exhausting series of negotiations, Manny Ramirez (best known for his lack of effort after signing new contracts) has agreed to the Los Angeles Dodgers’ original two-year $45 million deal.

Widely regarded as the best player in baseball, the ultra-talented and mentally unbalanced 34-year-old is ready to do whatever it takes to increase his numbers, receive endorsement deals, get on SportsCenter, start his Hollywood career and let the world know how important he is to the team.

Despite a lengthy hold-out, Ramirez is confident he still has time to tear apart the Dodgers’ clubhouse and find an elderly member of the travel staff to assault well before the team’s Opening game. Word on street is that Spring Training is a lot like prison; kicks someone’s ass the first day or become Joe Torre’s bitch.

In the meantime, Popcorn Muscles wishes Manny luck in the upcoming season and urges fans to remember that thousands of people have won World Series rings, but only one man has taken his off while urinating behind the Green Monster at Fenway. Besides, you can’t spell “team” without the “me.”

 

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Ambitious New York Mets get early start on September collapse

In 1, Athletes who can't read, Carlos Delgado, Johan Santana, MLB, New York Mets on March 3, 2009 at 06:03

Unlike last season when the New York Mets made fans wait until after Labor Day to flush their season down the toilet, this year’s squad has decided to show a real commitment to losing early in the 2009 season.

Thanks to savvy decisions like negligently injuring Johan Santana and having Oliver Perez bat second in pre-season play, the Mets are working hard to show the baseball world that they have no intention of leading the division at any point throughout the 2009 campaign.

“It’s not easy to play this badly when you have so much natural talent,” says Carlos Delgado in a fictional interview done in the front seat of David Wright’s Miata. “Sometimes when we’re winning late in the game we have to dig deep down, as a team, and remember how little we care about the fans and that paycheck don’t change with wins and losses.”

Though Delgado did not go into specific detail about how they were going to embarrass themselves, the “$16-million .271 hitter” explains that a lot can happen over 162 games with a little creativity and a season-long dedication to indignant failure.

For more information on the pending incompetence just start googling “blown save” now in order to beat the rush or go down to CITI Ballpark and pay $250 to watch the dreams of children dying in a government subsidized stadium.

 

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