Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘NFL Draft’ Category

Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade

In Best Mullets in Sports, fake tans, International incidents, NFL, NFL Draft, People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 27, 2009 at 18:50



Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.

“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”

Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”


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Are You There God? It’s Me, Maurice Clarett

In 1, Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NFL, NFL Draft, People more important than Jesus, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Really? He's still alive on March 3, 2009 at 17:24

After squandering a lifetime of riches, beautiful women and never having to worry about blowing another guy for cigarettes, Maurice Clarett has revealed in his prison blog that he has had an epiphany. “Football is not Maurice Clarett.” (Ed. Note: We actually didn’t make this quote up, or any of these in fact. Honestly, we just aren’t this funny.)

Time in prison was necessary due to my actions but it’s my personal belief that I can use my celebrity to assist more people in so many creative ways that I’ve come up with than to occupy this cell at $25K per year,” he writes. While it wasn’t immediately known if Clarett understands the difference between infamy and celebrity, Popcorn Muscles was able to confirm through double secret probation sources (OK, we lied, we made this part up) that the former Ohio State star does look forward to his future segments on “Outside the Lines” and “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.”

Clarett goes on to write that he has interest in public speaking once he completes his three-and-half-year sentence as well as his acting debut in the straight-to-DVD release, “Gridiron Gang 2: Don’t Drop the Ball … or Soap.”

Human Rights Activists call NFL “cruel” for allowing Detroit Lions to draft young players

In Detroit Lions, Draft Busts, Matt Millen, NFL, NFL Draft, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on March 1, 2009 at 00:26

Protestors have begun picketing the NFL’s front office  in an effort to save college players from having their careers ruined by the Detroit Lions.

Led by Charles Rogers, Men Against Tyrannical Teams Making It Less Likely [to] Ending Nicely (known by their acronym M.A.T.T. M.I.L.L.EN.), call the Lions’ abuse of young talent a relentless attack on decency and an annual example of Gary Bettman-sized incompetence.  

Though the NFL has yet to address these concerns, many wonder why Roger Goodell refuses to let Pacman Jones participate in harmless stripper assaults, yet allows the Lions to ruin lives and cripple careers every season.

Protestors have even written to Barack Obama, urging the newly-elected president to save young men like Matthew Stafford or Jason Smith from becoming the franchise’s newest victim. One Georgia fan noted that Stafford would be safer in Iraq than Detroit.

With less than one month before nine young men make their way from the draft day podium to Ford Field’s slaughterhouse, various human rights groups plan to increase their efforts and end the abusive practice of letting talented college players begin their careers with the NFL’s worst franchise.

As Oscar Wilde probably would have said, “Give a man a paycheck and watch him smile for a day. But pay that man to play for the Lions and watch him suffer for a lifetime.”


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