Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category

Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade

In Best Mullets in Sports, fake tans, International incidents, NFL, NFL Draft, People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 27, 2009 at 18:50



Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.

“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”

Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”


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Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to New York Giants Because Blue Uniforms Make Him Look Fat

In Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, mascot sex, NFL, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 20, 2009 at 17:46



Arizona Cardinals’ Wide Receiver and avid stamp collector Anquan Boldin (who recently wrote the forward of Terrell Owens new book How to Look Ripped While Ruining A Franchise), recently told Spoiled Athlete Magazine that he would refuse to accept a trade to the New York Giants, as their dark blue uniforms make him look a tad on the chubby side.

Boldin, who has recently begun dating a full length mirror, explained that he would prefer to play for teams with lighter color schemes like the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals, as they would really make his muscles “pop” while yelling at teammates and complaining about his touches.

“I’m demanding a trade from a Super Bowl team with a proven quarterback and solid offense,” Boldin fictitiously told a reporter while picking up Matt Leinart and his date from the Desert Mountain High School junior prom. “I clearly don’t care if I win football games. It’s all about how I look on the field and whether or not the cameras can see how defined my biceps are while I’m ignoring my fans or flirting with Sal Paolantonio between plays.”


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Chicago Bears Receive Prank Phone Call About Rex Grossman’s Availability

In 19165268, Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NFL, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 15, 2009 at 16:08




After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.

“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”

However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones,  but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”

Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.

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Daunte Culpepper Voted Least Likely To Succeed At Detroit Lions’ Mini-Camp

In Detroit Lions, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Matt Millen, NFL, picking on fat kids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 2, 2009 at 16:59



Just months after the release of his tell-all children’s book, Daunte Culpepper (who recently earned extra money serving as the stunt double for the Pillsbury Doughboy on a croissant commercial), continued his downward spiral into football mediocrity by being named Least Likely To Succeed at the Detroit Lions mimi-camp earlier this week.

The Jon Kitna Award, which is annually presented by three-time winner and current tire salesman Charles Rogers, marks the first time a Lions’ quarterback has received the honor since Joey Harrington, and the only instance someone has been shown such little faith by his teammates just six months after signing with the organization.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that nearly everybody on this roster will fail in some capacity this season,” said team captain Ernie Sims. “But Daunte does it in such a spectacular way, that it would be foolish to give the award to somebody else.”

Donovan McNabb Finally Accepts Andy Reid’s Facebook Friend Request

In dangers to society, fun with midgets, NFL, Really? He's still alive, Teams nobody cares about on March 27, 2009 at 18:11



The ongoing battle between Philadelphia Eagles’ Starting Quarterback Donovan McNabb and elastic waste band spokesman Andy Reid has finally ended thanks to a drunkenly accepted Facebook friend request late last night.

After returning home from a neighborhood midget tossing competition (where McNabb had three dwarfs intercepted and returned for touchdowns), the slightly intoxicated quarterback decided to burry the digital hatchet and accept his coach’s pending friend request. “I don’t know if it was the strawberry daiquiris or his topless profile picture, but I decided to let Andy onto my list,” said McNabb is an admittedly fake interview. “We’re going to have to work together and put our differences aside if we want to meet our annual goal of losing in the conference championship.”

Popcorn Muscles briefly talked to Reid, but the three sausages, hollandaise sauce and chocolate milkshake jammed into his mouth made him very difficult to understand.

San Diego becomes pass first team by re-signing aging RB LaDainian Tomlinson

In Athletes who can't read, Embarrassments to humanity, San Diego Chargers, Selfish pricks on March 11, 2009 at 22:44


The San Diego Chargers announced today that they and star running back (well, “star” in a loose sense of the word) LaDainian Tomlinson have agreed to a restructured contract that will allow the team to save money against the cap this year and cut his ass before the 2010 training camp with almost no repercussions. “Oh, I’m so excited about staying here,” said Tomlinson in an interview we made up. “I have only a few years left of living off my old accomplishments and missing crucial playoff games. It was important for me and my family to stay here and prevent the Chargers from ever getting to a Super Bowl.”

San Diego (which, of course, in German means whale’s vagina) had contemplated cutting the former All-Pro in an attempt to show the Tampa Bay Buccaneers they aren’t the only ones who can cast aside beloved veterans. “Well, we had a change of heart,” Chargers GM A.J. Smith said to Popcorn Muscles in another fake statement. “Besides I have him in my keeper fantasy league so it makes everything a lot easier.”

Eli Manning loses favorite nightlight at Quarterback camp

In Eli Manning, New York Giants, People afraid of the dark, People who will die virgins on March 7, 2009 at 18:56



Just months after Donovan McNabb allegedly stole his Ghostbusters blankey, Eli Manning reportedly left his snoopy nightlight in a Hawaiian hotel room following his first Pro Bowl appearance.

Sources say that Manning brought the nightlight to the annual event to protect him from monsters under the bed and icky girls trying to give him kooties after practice.

In a press conference held outside of Chuck E Cheese, the Giants’ quarterback told reporters that he hasn’t been able to sleep well since losing the nightlight, explaining that not even his Mommy’s bed time stories can make him feel safe in the dark.

Unfortunately, Manning’s comments were intercepted by the Eagles secondary and ran back 80 yards for a touchdown.

If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of the nightlight please contact the Manning family. Eli has offered his favorite two transformers as a reward.

T.O. searches for new team to ruin

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, NFL, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 5, 2009 at 17:32


Cowboys owner Skeletor — whoops, we mean Jerry Jones — decided to cut wide received Terrell Owens last night after “routine” player evaluations with his staff. The move was expected after tension in the team’s locker room and a strained relationship between Owens and several players including quarterback Tony Romo and tight end Jason Witten. A source we made up with knowledge of the situation told PopcornMuscles.com, “The routine evaluation everyone is talking about was actually a sit-up contest between T.O. and Mr. Jones in T.O.’s driveway. The Jerry won, so T.O.’s out. That old bastard is tough.”

With the subtraction of Owens, America’s Team now turns to Roy Williams as their No. 1 receiver — a situation which turned out really well for the Detroit Lions the last few seasons. The Cowboys are also now expected to make inquiries into the availability of Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin, though expect them to land former Indianapolis Colts Pro Bowler Marvin Harrison since Jones is concerned with the lack of accused attempted murders on his team.

“I think we’re going to be great again,” said defensive lineman Tank Johnson (sort of). “Well, until we get to the playoffs. But at least we still have Tony Romo … crap.” 

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Are You There God? It’s Me, Maurice Clarett

In 1, Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NFL, NFL Draft, People more important than Jesus, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Really? He's still alive on March 3, 2009 at 17:24

After squandering a lifetime of riches, beautiful women and never having to worry about blowing another guy for cigarettes, Maurice Clarett has revealed in his prison blog that he has had an epiphany. “Football is not Maurice Clarett.” (Ed. Note: We actually didn’t make this quote up, or any of these in fact. Honestly, we just aren’t this funny.)

Time in prison was necessary due to my actions but it’s my personal belief that I can use my celebrity to assist more people in so many creative ways that I’ve come up with than to occupy this cell at $25K per year,” he writes. While it wasn’t immediately known if Clarett understands the difference between infamy and celebrity, Popcorn Muscles was able to confirm through double secret probation sources (OK, we lied, we made this part up) that the former Ohio State star does look forward to his future segments on “Outside the Lines” and “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.”

Clarett goes on to write that he has interest in public speaking once he completes his three-and-half-year sentence as well as his acting debut in the straight-to-DVD release, “Gridiron Gang 2: Don’t Drop the Ball … or Soap.”

Jesus Christ Advises Kurt Warner to Hold Out for More Money

In Arizona Cardinals, Kurt Warner, NFL on March 1, 2009 at 20:42

As he often does with many of his major life decisions, 52-year-old Arizona Cardinals’ Quarterback Kurt Warner has turned to NFL superfan Jesus Christ to guide him through free agency.

Jesus, who died for all man’s sins in his last negotiation, called the Cardinals’ one year-$12 million deal “insulting” and told the team that Warner would only consider “serious offers.”

Though the Cardinals declined to comment on the situation, sources close to the team say management believes a deal will be reached shortly.

At a press conference last week, Jesus told reporters that both sides want Warner starting for the Cardinals in 2009, explaining that letting him go simply to save a few million dollars would be a Dennis Green sized mistake for the organization.

The son of God noted that The Ten Commandments say “thou shall not murder,” and letting Matt Leinart become the Cardinals’ starting Quarterback would kill this franchise.


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