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Daunte Culpepper Voted Least Likely To Succeed At Detroit Lions’ Mini-Camp

In Detroit Lions, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Matt Millen, NFL, picking on fat kids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 2, 2009 at 16:59



Just months after the release of his tell-all children’s book, Daunte Culpepper (who recently earned extra money serving as the stunt double for the Pillsbury Doughboy on a croissant commercial), continued his downward spiral into football mediocrity by being named Least Likely To Succeed at the Detroit Lions mimi-camp earlier this week.

The Jon Kitna Award, which is annually presented by three-time winner and current tire salesman Charles Rogers, marks the first time a Lions’ quarterback has received the honor since Joey Harrington, and the only instance someone has been shown such little faith by his teammates just six months after signing with the organization.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that nearly everybody on this roster will fail in some capacity this season,” said team captain Ernie Sims. “But Daunte does it in such a spectacular way, that it would be foolish to give the award to somebody else.”


Human Rights Activists call NFL “cruel” for allowing Detroit Lions to draft young players

In Detroit Lions, Draft Busts, Matt Millen, NFL, NFL Draft, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on March 1, 2009 at 00:26

Protestors have begun picketing the NFL’s front office  in an effort to save college players from having their careers ruined by the Detroit Lions.

Led by Charles Rogers, Men Against Tyrannical Teams Making It Less Likely [to] Ending Nicely (known by their acronym M.A.T.T. M.I.L.L.EN.), call the Lions’ abuse of young talent a relentless attack on decency and an annual example of Gary Bettman-sized incompetence.  

Though the NFL has yet to address these concerns, many wonder why Roger Goodell refuses to let Pacman Jones participate in harmless stripper assaults, yet allows the Lions to ruin lives and cripple careers every season.

Protestors have even written to Barack Obama, urging the newly-elected president to save young men like Matthew Stafford or Jason Smith from becoming the franchise’s newest victim. One Georgia fan noted that Stafford would be safer in Iraq than Detroit.

With less than one month before nine young men make their way from the draft day podium to Ford Field’s slaughterhouse, various human rights groups plan to increase their efforts and end the abusive practice of letting talented college players begin their careers with the NFL’s worst franchise.

As Oscar Wilde probably would have said, “Give a man a paycheck and watch him smile for a day. But pay that man to play for the Lions and watch him suffer for a lifetime.”


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