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Archive for the ‘People afraid of the dark’ Category

Mehmet Okur Set to Release Gangster Rap Album Over Offseason

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Best Mullets in Sports, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Mehmet Okur, NBA, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Utah Jazz on April 21, 2009 at 17:48

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Utah Jazz Forward and Mormon sex symbol Mehmet Okur recently told both members of his fan club that he plans to record a hard core gangster rap album this summer in an effort to finally start scoring Matt Harpring quality ass.

The album, tentatively titled The Other White Meat, features cameo tracks from Vanilla Ice, Harvey Keitel and Andrei Kirelenko with a secret song from producer and best friend Dr. Dre at the end of the LP. “When I first recorded the song ‘I nailed Pat Summitt in the back of a Hyundai’ people started realizing how hard core my rhymes were,” Okur said while signing autographs at a local petting zoo. “I feel like I have the potential to be the best Turkish rapper in all of Salt Lake City.”

While critics claim Okur’s music still hasn’t hit the artistic level of Kobe Bryant’s eerily titled duet “Hold Me” with R. Kelly (or as the track is currently labelled “Prosecution Exhibit C”), many industry insider believe Okur’s good looks and  unquestioned “street cred” will propel his album to the top of the charts and even lead to an interview with his boyhood hero Ryan Seacrest.

 

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Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to New York Giants Because Blue Uniforms Make Him Look Fat

In Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, mascot sex, NFL, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 20, 2009 at 17:46

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Arizona Cardinals’ Wide Receiver and avid stamp collector Anquan Boldin (who recently wrote the forward of Terrell Owens new book How to Look Ripped While Ruining A Franchise), recently told Spoiled Athlete Magazine that he would refuse to accept a trade to the New York Giants, as their dark blue uniforms make him look a tad on the chubby side.

Boldin, who has recently begun dating a full length mirror, explained that he would prefer to play for teams with lighter color schemes like the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals, as they would really make his muscles “pop” while yelling at teammates and complaining about his touches.

“I’m demanding a trade from a Super Bowl team with a proven quarterback and solid offense,” Boldin fictitiously told a reporter while picking up Matt Leinart and his date from the Desert Mountain High School junior prom. “I clearly don’t care if I win football games. It’s all about how I look on the field and whether or not the cameras can see how defined my biceps are while I’m ignoring my fans or flirting with Sal Paolantonio between plays.”

 

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Gilbert Arenas to Teach Sportsmanship Class at the Tracy McGrady Center for Playoff Excellence

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Houston Rockets, People afraid of the dark, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tracy McGrady on April 17, 2009 at 18:48

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After a tiring two game season, Gilbert Arenas (who was missing shots at midseason form while going 6-21 from the field), has decided to take time off from writing his Darius Songaila tell-all book and spend the offseason teaching a class on sportsmanship at the Tracy McGrady Center of Playoff Excellence.

“A lot of young NBA players don’t realize that basketball games are won and lost in the post game interview,” Arenas fictitiously said . “Sure, everyone knows that taunting opponents  and making obscene predictions are important, but there’s so much wisdom I have left to teach.”

Founded by the Rocket’s “star” in 2005 after an exceptionally depressing first round loss to the Dallas Mavericks, the McGrady Center aims to teach young NBA players that winning playoff rounds is not the only measure of postseason success. “People think that just because I’ve never got out of the first round I’m some sort of choke artist,” McGrady said in a make believe interview. “But there’s more to being a playoff performer than actually winning games, and I think a guy like Gilbert can really help get that message across.”

Chicago Bears Receive Prank Phone Call About Rex Grossman’s Availability

In 19165268, Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NFL, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 15, 2009 at 16:08

 

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After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.

“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”

However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones,  but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”

Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.

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Tampa Bay Lightning Plan To Show 86-Second Barry Melrose Tribute Montage At Their Final Home Game

In Best Mullets in Sports, dangers to society, Draft Busts, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tampa Bay Lightning, Teams nobody cares about, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 9, 2009 at 17:23

 

 

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Following the wildly successful release of Vinncent Lecavalier and The Sorcerer’s Stone, The Tampa Bay Lightning have decided to produce a short film entitled Behind the Mullet; A look at Barry Melrose’s Time in Tampa Bay.

The R Rated Movie (which features guest commentary from Steven Stamkos and Roman Polanski) , documents all 16 games Melrose coached in Tampa Bay including the six straight Mario Tremblay-style losses he began the season with. 

“It was tough to find 86 seconds worth of highlights,” said Lightning General Manager Brian Lawton. “But we spliced together all five of his wins with some shots of him and Darryl Sutter beating up midgets at a Chinese restaurantand ended up with a pretty solid film. I think it will be a really great thing to show between the national anthem and our inevitable loss.”

Jay Cutler Throws A Temper Tantrum That is Intercepted and Returned for a Touchdown

In People afraid of the dark, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 17, 2009 at 01:30

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For the first time in his erratic career, Jay Cutler is finally showing critics his willingness to stand up and help the Denver Broncos become a championship team. “I really wanted to give them a better chance to win,” Cutler said while talking to Popcorn Muscles make believe reporters. “So I decided to throw a hissy fit and demand a trade.”

With zero winning seasons as a starting quarterback since high school, and demonstrating the decision making ability of a young Rick Mirer, Cutler acknowledges that the team would be better served with Kyle Orton at the helm or by signing former Drew Carey Show extra Bernie Kosar to run the wildcat offense.

“I used to think I was a pretty good quarterback,” said Cutler. “But I can’t argue with Josh McDaniel’s weeks of head coaching experience. He didn’t think I had what it takes, so I had to do the right thing and leave the franchise.”

Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

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In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Detroit Tigers, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 13, 2009 at 18:51

 

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Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.

Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”

Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”

Mavericks launch “Win a Date With Dirk Nowitzki” promotion

In Athletes who can't read, Dallas Mavericks, Dirk Nowitzki, International incidents, NBA, People afraid of the dark, Teams nobody cares about on March 9, 2009 at 17:35

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In order to reach out to the coveted “desperate women willing to settle for anything that will put a ring on their finger” demographic, the Dallas Mavericks have launched a brand new marketing campaign featuring sort of creepy, but completely available Dirk Nowitzki.

Win a Date With Dirk Nowitzki,” (which narrowly edged out “Get high with Josh Howard”), begins next week and is already receiving lots of positive feedback. “I don’t really care about looks,” says a fictitious 32-year-old mother of nine currently collecting welfare. “He makes a lot of money and can reach things on the top shelf. Besides, sometimes you just have to lower your standards.”

The lucky gal (or guy) who wins the contest will receive a free dinner, limo ride and the chance to be seen around Dallas with the town’s most eligible foreign bachelor. And remember ladies, Dirk lets pretty much anybody score on him, so bring protection and get ready for a memorable night.

Feel free to enter at WWW.DOTHEDIRK.COM

 

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Eli Manning loses favorite nightlight at Quarterback camp

In Eli Manning, New York Giants, People afraid of the dark, People who will die virgins on March 7, 2009 at 18:56

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Just months after Donovan McNabb allegedly stole his Ghostbusters blankey, Eli Manning reportedly left his snoopy nightlight in a Hawaiian hotel room following his first Pro Bowl appearance.

Sources say that Manning brought the nightlight to the annual event to protect him from monsters under the bed and icky girls trying to give him kooties after practice.

In a press conference held outside of Chuck E Cheese, the Giants’ quarterback told reporters that he hasn’t been able to sleep well since losing the nightlight, explaining that not even his Mommy’s bed time stories can make him feel safe in the dark.

Unfortunately, Manning’s comments were intercepted by the Eagles secondary and ran back 80 yards for a touchdown.

If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of the nightlight please contact the Manning family. Eli has offered his favorite two transformers as a reward.