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Archive for the ‘People probably on steroids’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

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After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Mehmet Okur Set to Release Gangster Rap Album Over Offseason

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Best Mullets in Sports, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Mehmet Okur, NBA, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Utah Jazz on April 21, 2009 at 17:48

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Utah Jazz Forward and Mormon sex symbol Mehmet Okur recently told both members of his fan club that he plans to record a hard core gangster rap album this summer in an effort to finally start scoring Matt Harpring quality ass.

The album, tentatively titled The Other White Meat, features cameo tracks from Vanilla Ice, Harvey Keitel and Andrei Kirelenko with a secret song from producer and best friend Dr. Dre at the end of the LP. “When I first recorded the song ‘I nailed Pat Summitt in the back of a Hyundai’ people started realizing how hard core my rhymes were,” Okur said while signing autographs at a local petting zoo. “I feel like I have the potential to be the best Turkish rapper in all of Salt Lake City.”

While critics claim Okur’s music still hasn’t hit the artistic level of Kobe Bryant’s eerily titled duet “Hold Me” with R. Kelly (or as the track is currently labelled “Prosecution Exhibit C”), many industry insider believe Okur’s good looks and  unquestioned “street cred” will propel his album to the top of the charts and even lead to an interview with his boyhood hero Ryan Seacrest.

 

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Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to New York Giants Because Blue Uniforms Make Him Look Fat

In Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, mascot sex, NFL, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 20, 2009 at 17:46

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Arizona Cardinals’ Wide Receiver and avid stamp collector Anquan Boldin (who recently wrote the forward of Terrell Owens new book How to Look Ripped While Ruining A Franchise), recently told Spoiled Athlete Magazine that he would refuse to accept a trade to the New York Giants, as their dark blue uniforms make him look a tad on the chubby side.

Boldin, who has recently begun dating a full length mirror, explained that he would prefer to play for teams with lighter color schemes like the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals, as they would really make his muscles “pop” while yelling at teammates and complaining about his touches.

“I’m demanding a trade from a Super Bowl team with a proven quarterback and solid offense,” Boldin fictitiously told a reporter while picking up Matt Leinart and his date from the Desert Mountain High School junior prom. “I clearly don’t care if I win football games. It’s all about how I look on the field and whether or not the cameras can see how defined my biceps are while I’m ignoring my fans or flirting with Sal Paolantonio between plays.”

 

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Search For John Daly’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Really? He's still alive, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 7, 2009 at 17:58

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At a press conference held outside Rooster Red’s Cock Fighting Bar and All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet in Atlanta, a spokesman for the National Guard told a group of semi-interested reporters that the 17 year search for John Daly’s dignity has finally ended.

“We really tried our best to find it,” said Russell Stein, who has also led searches for the Loch Ness Monster, Nicole Simpsons’ real killer and NHL television ratings. “We got really close at a Taiwanese strip club in 1997, but nobody has seen John Daly’s dignity in over a decade, so we figured it was lost forever.”

Stein added that Daly’s self-respect and short game remain missing, but are no longer top priorities for his organization.

International Study Reveals Mascots Get Laid A Lot

In dangers to society, mascot sex, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People probably on steroids, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 25, 2009 at 18:23

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In a recent report released by the Louie Anderson Center Of Sexual Discovery, acclaimed sexologist Oliver Christ (no relation), claimed that mascots get laid substantially more than fans, broadcasters and the entire Washington Wizards roster.

According to the study, chubby MLB mascots like the Phillie Phanatic and Lou Piniella are the most popular with housewives and sorority girls, while the Mariner Moose is being considered for a GQ cover shoot thanks to a well-publicized romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. “There’s definitely a lot of fur chasers in the stands every game,” says Benny the Bull. “Back when we were winning NBA Championships I was nailing three chicks every night and sleeping with the hotel maid in the morning.”

While most mascots revel in the fast paced lifestyle, the report also notes that the constant sexual exploits do come at a price. “I remember when I heard the Mariner Moose got syphilis,” recalls his good friend Harvey the Hound. “It really makes you wonder if  all those trips to Thailand are worth it.”

AIG signs multimillion-dollar deal to sponsor President Obama’s bracket

In College Basketball, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 19, 2009 at 23:39

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Leader of the free world and former high school varsity team backup President Barack Obama released his NCAA Tournament bracket today in hopes of distracting the general public from those pesky issues of Wall Street, foreclosures and a two-front war. What was lost in all the hard-hitting coverage of the mainstream media, though, was AIG’s recent $30 million-deal to sponsor the bracket and receive prominent placement on that nifty poster board as the president stood next to ESPN’s Andy Katz.

“We figured that if Citigroup can hold on to the naming rights of the new Mets stadium, then we would be crazy not to spend all that new capital we just received on some good PR,” said Hamburglar, AIG’s newest CEO, in at a make believe press conference held at a local McDonald’s Playland. “I’m not really sure what the White House is going to do with the money, but I heard Emmanuel Rahm mention something about ‘taking care’ of Rush Limbaugh.”  

When reached for comment, a White House spokesman said, “Oh s*#@! Um, well, the President has suggested that the government think about giving 50% of the bonus, er, fee back to AIG.”

Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

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In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

T.O. searches for new team to ruin

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, NFL, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 5, 2009 at 17:32

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Cowboys owner Skeletor — whoops, we mean Jerry Jones — decided to cut wide received Terrell Owens last night after “routine” player evaluations with his staff. The move was expected after tension in the team’s locker room and a strained relationship between Owens and several players including quarterback Tony Romo and tight end Jason Witten. A source we made up with knowledge of the situation told PopcornMuscles.com, “The routine evaluation everyone is talking about was actually a sit-up contest between T.O. and Mr. Jones in T.O.’s driveway. The Jerry won, so T.O.’s out. That old bastard is tough.”

With the subtraction of Owens, America’s Team now turns to Roy Williams as their No. 1 receiver — a situation which turned out really well for the Detroit Lions the last few seasons. The Cowboys are also now expected to make inquiries into the availability of Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin, though expect them to land former Indianapolis Colts Pro Bowler Marvin Harrison since Jones is concerned with the lack of accused attempted murders on his team.

“I think we’re going to be great again,” said defensive lineman Tank Johnson (sort of). “Well, until we get to the playoffs. But at least we still have Tony Romo … crap.” 

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A-Rod wants to be known for choking in playoffs, not as the face of steroids

In A-Rod, Awful human beings, MLB, New York Yankees, People probably on steroids, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 4, 2009 at 18:18

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Alex Rodriguez is irate that the baseball world is focusing on his recent steroid abuse, and ignoring his complete lack of playoff success.

Known as Mr. April, Rodriguez (who has gone 7-for-44 in his past three postseason performances) takes a lot of pride in being a playoff liability and was even talking to Viagra about an endorsement deal. “Performing under pressure is never easy. But nobody likes a player who can’t succeed when it’s hard.”

While waiting to once again reclaim his rightful place as the league’s least dependable playoff hitter, A-Rod is going to focus on romancing elderly pop stars, while taking time out to disappoint children and embarrass his family.

Rodriguez believes that once October comes around the media will once again focus on his constant strikeouts and poor defense as opposed to the fact that he had to take performance-enhancing drugs to let down his team.