Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘People Shorter than Gary Bettman’ Category

Sacramento Kings Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Played a Part in the Team’s 17-65 Record

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, NBA, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Sacramento Kings, Selfish douche bags, Sexual Predators, Teams nobody cares about on April 16, 2009 at 16:47

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In a recent interview with Fledgling Franchises Magazine, Sacramento Kings’ owner and suspected polka enthusiast George Maloof admitted that the junior high caliber roster he put together may have played a small factor in the team’s “Detroit Lions-esque season.”

“Obviously the economy is the biggest reason for our on court failure,” Maloof told a reporter that he later tried to have sex with. “But it’s possible that Beno Udrih is not the franchise player we thought he was and I’m pretty sure we traded for the wrong Kenny Thomas.”

Maloof added that Bobby Jackson shooting 31 percent from the field, Shareef’ Abdur-Rahim’s allergic reaction to playing defense and Spencer Hawes embarrassing appearance on the reality show Sunset Tan may have hurt the organization, but did not cause irreparable/Kwame Brown damages.

“Nobody wants to be the team that finishes below the Clippers,” he explained. “But we have several young players that are showing Scott Pollard potential, and with a few high draft picks we could be a playoff team well before I try and move the Kings to Las Vegas.”

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Finally laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, fun with midgets, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, picking on fat kids, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:17

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

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Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Toronto Raptors Given An Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them

In Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about, Toronto Raptors on March 30, 2009 at 18:58

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As part of the NBA’s newly implemented Steven Francis Statute, all players declaring for the NBA Draft will be required to tell David Sterns’ office if they plan to throw a temper tantrum and demand a trade if they are selected by a Canadian franchise.

“Obviously nobody wants to play in a third world country,” Stern said at a fictitious press conference. “So we decided to help out the Raptors by letting them know which players will be willing to play in Canada.”

So far, Stern claims that of the 121 prospects polled, 74 of them would accept playing in Toronto, 31 said they would refuse and 16 players were unable to locate Canada on a world map.

Yanik Velsim, a second round prospect from Uzbekistan, told David Stern that he would rather not play in Canada, but would be willing to move to a less “educated and advanced” nation if he would receive more playing time and a free goat for his cousin, Yuri.

“The key here is to identify which players are willing to live in a strange, foreign land, and which ones don’t want to deal with rampant moose attacks and some sort of deep fried side dish called poutine,” said Stern. “At the end of the day I’m confident that the idea of free health care and partying with Jake Voskul will attract at least one poor soul into an organization with just a single playoff series win in franchise history. Hell, I’d bet Andrea Bargnani’s first overall draft pick salary on it!”

Nashville Predators fans call Atlanta a “ridiculous” city for an NHL franchise

In Atlanta Thrasher, Illiterate rednecks, NHL, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Shitty Owners on March 12, 2009 at 17:15

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At a sparsely attended Tuesday evening home game against the Washington Capitals, the entire Nashville Predators’ fan club (who regularly carpool together in a Kia Sorento), called Gary Bettman’s decision to put a franchise in Atlanta “one of the 612 worst things he has done as commissioner.”

Predator fans note that Atlanta’s league-worst attendance figures finally disproves the widely held belief that Georgia is the epicenter of the hockey world and that Atlanta residents are the most passionate NHL fans in the world.  

Bettman, who is coming off a guest starring role in Little People, Big World, declined to comment as his daily meeting with the league’s bankruptcy lawyers ran a little longer than usual.

For those in Atlanta ready to show the burgeoning Tennessee hockey market how the Peach State rolls, the Thrashers are playing at home this Monday with “Bring Every Single Person You know” night at Phillips Arena. The game can also be seen on Versus as during their highly rated 2 am to 3:30 am time slot.

(For the record, Nashville is 29th in attendance.)

NHL’s trading deadline arrives, Americans respond: What the hell is hockey?

In 1, Awful human beings, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 4, 2009 at 20:30

 

Gary Bettman

NHL officials expressed optimism today that they have finally achieved a leg up in their longstanding rivalry with the WNBA over which is the most irrelevant league in America. Non-existent sources within the league office confirm that their hopes were achieved thanks to the complete ambivalence of the American public in respect to several trading deadline transactions. “We were a little nervous that a big name like Chris Pronger was going to get moved and we might actually end up getting some coverage, but luckily our teams came through and only moved guys named after French desserts,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman if we had actually interviewed him.

Bettman was most likely referencing the Columbus Blue Jackets trade of Pascal Leclaire and a draft pick to the Ottawa Senators for Antoine Vermette. When reached for comment, the Amercian public said they have never heard of any of these people.

“I’m not really that worried about it.” said whoever runs the WNBA nowadays. “We’ve still got some moves of our own. Cynthia Cooper is going into the Basketball Hall of Fame this year and nobody gives a shit about that.”

With a few hours remaining to squeeze a deal in, the NHL officials that weren’t contacted for this story are holding out hope that no one like the Red Wings screws their day up by moving a big name.
 
“That would be the worst thing that could happen,” Bettman never said. “If someone paid attention to us we could actually save some of these franchises. That’s a lot of paperwork we just don’t want to deal with.”

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Are You There God? It’s Me, Maurice Clarett

In 1, Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NFL, NFL Draft, People more important than Jesus, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Really? He's still alive on March 3, 2009 at 17:24

After squandering a lifetime of riches, beautiful women and never having to worry about blowing another guy for cigarettes, Maurice Clarett has revealed in his prison blog that he has had an epiphany. “Football is not Maurice Clarett.” (Ed. Note: We actually didn’t make this quote up, or any of these in fact. Honestly, we just aren’t this funny.)

Time in prison was necessary due to my actions but it’s my personal belief that I can use my celebrity to assist more people in so many creative ways that I’ve come up with than to occupy this cell at $25K per year,” he writes. While it wasn’t immediately known if Clarett understands the difference between infamy and celebrity, Popcorn Muscles was able to confirm through double secret probation sources (OK, we lied, we made this part up) that the former Ohio State star does look forward to his future segments on “Outside the Lines” and “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.”

Clarett goes on to write that he has interest in public speaking once he completes his three-and-half-year sentence as well as his acting debut in the straight-to-DVD release, “Gridiron Gang 2: Don’t Drop the Ball … or Soap.”