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Archive for the ‘People who will die virgins’ Category

Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade

In Best Mullets in Sports, fake tans, International incidents, NFL, NFL Draft, People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 27, 2009 at 18:50

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Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.

“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”

Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”

 

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Chris Kaman Begins Teaching a Class on “How To Pick Up Women” at Local Community College

In 18992800, Athletes who can't read, Best Mullets in Sports, Chris Kaman, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People who will die virgins, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on April 13, 2009 at 18:40

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Los Angeles Clippers’ center and NBA hearthrob Chris Kaman has decided to forgo his usual offseason routine of gaining weight and not practicing free throws, in order to teach desperate virgins how to get laid.

Kaman, who has slept with well over six women, plans to demonstrate the “You know I’m in the top six of LA Clippers’ scoring” technique as well as his critically acclaimed “Would you like to come back to my windowless van?” line, that worked on Pat Summit last October.

 With guest lecturers Mike Dunleavy and Pete Samprass on board, Kaman is confident that his class will offer a unique perspective on sexual attraction and become far more popular than the Yao Ming Sex Academy.

 

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Eli Manning loses favorite nightlight at Quarterback camp

In Eli Manning, New York Giants, People afraid of the dark, People who will die virgins on March 7, 2009 at 18:56

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Just months after Donovan McNabb allegedly stole his Ghostbusters blankey, Eli Manning reportedly left his snoopy nightlight in a Hawaiian hotel room following his first Pro Bowl appearance.

Sources say that Manning brought the nightlight to the annual event to protect him from monsters under the bed and icky girls trying to give him kooties after practice.

In a press conference held outside of Chuck E Cheese, the Giants’ quarterback told reporters that he hasn’t been able to sleep well since losing the nightlight, explaining that not even his Mommy’s bed time stories can make him feel safe in the dark.

Unfortunately, Manning’s comments were intercepted by the Eagles secondary and ran back 80 yards for a touchdown.

If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of the nightlight please contact the Manning family. Eli has offered his favorite two transformers as a reward.

NCAA Graduation Rates Reveal Nerds Suck at Sports

In People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 6, 2009 at 17:26

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For those worried that the fat kids and science nerds would get revenge on the jocks that made their lives an indignant hell throughout middle school would turn the tables when they got to college, rest easy.

A recent NCAA report shows that schools with the lowest graduation rates are amongst the best teams in college sports while those who mistakingly focus on sending kids home with diplomas end up on the losing end of a “take our starters out in the second quarter” beat down. (Though we could not confirm it, Popcorn Muscles also believes that the aforementioned geeky fat-wads also have a very high virginity rate.)

When reached for a fake comment, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive noted that “nobody buys tickets to watch a social reject do a chemistry experiment or listen to a self-righteous middle class white kid from New Jersey talk about Che Guevara’s war on oppression. People love watching illiterate teenagers on steroids play football and get arrested.”

There’s no point spreads at science fairs and getting drunk while attending a philosophy lecture is frowned upon.

It is, however, important to note that nerds who end up receiving high-powered college sports jobs will be able to exploit these athletes by refusing to pay them for bringing in huge television contracts and merchandising sales.

Nerds do run the planet, but they can’t win football games.

 

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