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Archive for the ‘People you’ll never hear about in seven months’ Category

Tyson Chandler Officially Over Hasty Break Up With Hornets And Is Excited To Remain Teammates With Benefits

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NBA, Overpaid Bums, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Really? He's still alive, Tyson Chandler on April 22, 2009 at 20:33

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After an ill-conceived trade earlier this year that nearly sent alleged NBA Center and jDate spokesman Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for Joe Smith and a bottle of Robert Swift’s acne cream, the New Orleans Hornets and their $12 million offensive liability are finally over the awkward break-up and have decided to remain teammates with benefits throughout the postseason.

“It’s not like we’re teenage girls or the Los Angeles Clippers here,” said Hornet’s General Manager Jeff Bower at a press conference outside of the Oliver Miller Cheesecake Emporium. “We’re all professionals trying to win games, get an NBA championship and most importantly make sure Peja Stojakovic takes his contractually mandated monthly shower.”

Chandler, who remains the only active NBA player to own all seven seasons of The Gilmore Girls on DVD, recently admitted that he expects to be involved in trade talks over the offseason, claiming that “injury prone centers with $12 million salaries and almost nine points per game don’t grow on trees. It’s pretty much just me and Samuel Dalembert, and that guy smells worse than Peja!”

 

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Finally laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, fun with midgets, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, picking on fat kids, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:17

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

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Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Top Football Recruit Stops For Gas At Notre Dame on Way To Visit University Of Florida

In dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about, Teams that never cover the spread, Teams with Fat Coaches, University of Notre Dame on April 14, 2009 at 16:20

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On a recent recruiting trip to Gainesville, five star offensive tackle recruit James Hurst stopped to fill up his Mazda Miata just outside the Ron Powlus Center for Disappointment at the University of Notre Dame.

“I actually didn’t know they had a football team,” said the Indiana native in a fictitious interview. “My Grandpa used to talk about Fighting Irish football winning national championships, but he had Alzheimers so I assumed it was sort of like his theory about the fake moon landing or Montreal baseball.”

Hurst, who had his gas tank filled up by Junior Pump Specialist Rick Mirer, was reportedly impressed with the shiny gold dome in the middle of the campus, and even told a friend that he hoped the mid-major program would one day be able to compete with schools like Syracuse and Air Force.

 

Written by David Breitman

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Chris Kaman Begins Teaching a Class on “How To Pick Up Women” at Local Community College

In 18992800, Athletes who can't read, Best Mullets in Sports, Chris Kaman, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People who will die virgins, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about on April 13, 2009 at 18:40

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Los Angeles Clippers’ center and NBA hearthrob Chris Kaman has decided to forgo his usual offseason routine of gaining weight and not practicing free throws, in order to teach desperate virgins how to get laid.

Kaman, who has slept with well over six women, plans to demonstrate the “You know I’m in the top six of LA Clippers’ scoring” technique as well as his critically acclaimed “Would you like to come back to my windowless van?” line, that worked on Pat Summit last October.

 With guest lecturers Mike Dunleavy and Pete Samprass on board, Kaman is confident that his class will offer a unique perspective on sexual attraction and become far more popular than the Yao Ming Sex Academy.

 

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School Janitor Becomes Ninth Candidate To Turn Down University of Arizona Basketball Coaching Job

In Arizona Wildcats, College Basketball, Evil Empire, NBA Draft, People you'll never hear about in seven months, picking on fat kids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 6, 2009 at 17:26

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Just like a fat kid desperately looking for a prom date, The University of Arizona basketball program has continued its parade of rejection after George “Moppy” Johnson turned down their head coaching job earlier this week.

According to a report  by Larry King on JanitorNews.com, contract negotiations broke down after the school refused to provide Johnson with a new dustpan for road games and merchandising rights on all slop buckets bearing his image.

“We’re extremely disappointed to have Johnson turns us down,” said a spokesman for the University of Arizona in a fictitious statement. “I wasn’t upset when Tim Floyd, Sean Miller, Seth Rogen, Mike Martz, Chloris Leachman, The Honeycomb Bear, John Wooden and Donald Rumsfeld rejected us, but this one really hurts. I guess we’re going to have to figure out a way to make a program with a National Championship, four Final Four appearances, dozens of NBA players and a Sweet 16 birth this year attractive to prospective coaches.”

Toronto Raptors Given An Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them

In Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners, Teams nobody cares about, Toronto Raptors on March 30, 2009 at 18:58

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As part of the NBA’s newly implemented Steven Francis Statute, all players declaring for the NBA Draft will be required to tell David Sterns’ office if they plan to throw a temper tantrum and demand a trade if they are selected by a Canadian franchise.

“Obviously nobody wants to play in a third world country,” Stern said at a fictitious press conference. “So we decided to help out the Raptors by letting them know which players will be willing to play in Canada.”

So far, Stern claims that of the 121 prospects polled, 74 of them would accept playing in Toronto, 31 said they would refuse and 16 players were unable to locate Canada on a world map.

Yanik Velsim, a second round prospect from Uzbekistan, told David Stern that he would rather not play in Canada, but would be willing to move to a less “educated and advanced” nation if he would receive more playing time and a free goat for his cousin, Yuri.

“The key here is to identify which players are willing to live in a strange, foreign land, and which ones don’t want to deal with rampant moose attacks and some sort of deep fried side dish called poutine,” said Stern. “At the end of the day I’m confident that the idea of free health care and partying with Jake Voskul will attract at least one poor soul into an organization with just a single playoff series win in franchise history. Hell, I’d bet Andrea Bargnani’s first overall draft pick salary on it!”

International Study Reveals Mascots Get Laid A Lot

In dangers to society, mascot sex, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People probably on steroids, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 25, 2009 at 18:23

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In a recent report released by the Louie Anderson Center Of Sexual Discovery, acclaimed sexologist Oliver Christ (no relation), claimed that mascots get laid substantially more than fans, broadcasters and the entire Washington Wizards roster.

According to the study, chubby MLB mascots like the Phillie Phanatic and Lou Piniella are the most popular with housewives and sorority girls, while the Mariner Moose is being considered for a GQ cover shoot thanks to a well-publicized romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. “There’s definitely a lot of fur chasers in the stands every game,” says Benny the Bull. “Back when we were winning NBA Championships I was nailing three chicks every night and sleeping with the hotel maid in the morning.”

While most mascots revel in the fast paced lifestyle, the report also notes that the constant sexual exploits do come at a price. “I remember when I heard the Mariner Moose got syphilis,” recalls his good friend Harvey the Hound. “It really makes you wonder if  all those trips to Thailand are worth it.”

Phoenix Suns Auction Off Their 2009 Draft Pick on eBay

In Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners on March 19, 2009 at 17:24

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Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver has decided to forgo his usual process of trading the team’s first round draft pick for cash (with frustrated fans to be named later) and has instead elected to place the organization’s looming lottery pick on eBay.

With a starting bid listed at $75, Sarver expects to see a lot of early action and is even sweetening the pot by offering the winning bidder a chance to help him select the team’s second round draft pick out of a hat, a celebrated process that has brought in some real Marcin Gortat caliber players.

Sarver explains that this bold new strategy is great for both fans and the NBA. “You don’t trade away Luol Deng, Nate Robinson, Rudy Fernandez and Rajon Rando without learning a thing or two,” Sarver fictitiously said. “With this new strategy, a Suns fan can bid on the pick and give it back to the team if he wins the auction. It’s a win-win situation! I get my annual ‘bonus’ and we will be able to finally use those snazzy draft day hats we’ve been saving since we used the 17th overall pick in 2003 to start the Zarko Cabarkapa era.”

Jay Cutler Throws A Temper Tantrum That is Intercepted and Returned for a Touchdown

In People afraid of the dark, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 17, 2009 at 01:30

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For the first time in his erratic career, Jay Cutler is finally showing critics his willingness to stand up and help the Denver Broncos become a championship team. “I really wanted to give them a better chance to win,” Cutler said while talking to Popcorn Muscles make believe reporters. “So I decided to throw a hissy fit and demand a trade.”

With zero winning seasons as a starting quarterback since high school, and demonstrating the decision making ability of a young Rick Mirer, Cutler acknowledges that the team would be better served with Kyle Orton at the helm or by signing former Drew Carey Show extra Bernie Kosar to run the wildcat offense.

“I used to think I was a pretty good quarterback,” said Cutler. “But I can’t argue with Josh McDaniel’s weeks of head coaching experience. He didn’t think I had what it takes, so I had to do the right thing and leave the franchise.”

Finally the Dane Looker era begins! Rams cut Torry Holt

In Embarrassments to humanity, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Shitty Owners on March 14, 2009 at 01:09

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In an effort to help fans forget about those annoying Super Bowl years, the St. Louis Rams have cut Pro Bowl Wide Receiver Torry Holt and promoted Dane Looker (who won a Gold Star for “spirit” at the Middlebrook Junior High Football camp 19 years ago) to the top receiver spot.

Looker, who recently timed his forty yard dash with an hour glass, is only eight years removed from his best season and remains well rested after sitting out the entire 2007 campaign with an undisclosed injury his mother called very serious. “When you have a short white guy who went un-drafted almost a decade ago on your roster you have to give him the chance to do something special,” says Rams’ Head Coach Steve Spagnuolo in a fake, but enjoyable interview. “Dane Looker represents where this franchise is going and I couldn’t be happier.”

Spagnuolo adds that playing guys like Holt with blazing speed and great hands may win games, but starting a receiver that the average fan could beat in a foot race is a sure fire way to get even more top five draft picks.

 

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