Popcorn Muscles

Archive for the ‘Really? He’s still alive’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

APTOPIX Bonds Steroids Basseball


After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”


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Tyson Chandler Officially Over Hasty Break Up With Hornets And Is Excited To Remain Teammates With Benefits

In Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NBA, Overpaid Bums, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Really? He's still alive, Tyson Chandler on April 22, 2009 at 20:33



After an ill-conceived trade earlier this year that nearly sent alleged NBA Center and jDate spokesman Tyson Chandler to Oklahoma City for Joe Smith and a bottle of Robert Swift’s acne cream, the New Orleans Hornets and their $12 million offensive liability are finally over the awkward break-up and have decided to remain teammates with benefits throughout the postseason.

“It’s not like we’re teenage girls or the Los Angeles Clippers here,” said Hornet’s General Manager Jeff Bower at a press conference outside of the Oliver Miller Cheesecake Emporium. “We’re all professionals trying to win games, get an NBA championship and most importantly make sure Peja Stojakovic takes his contractually mandated monthly shower.”

Chandler, who remains the only active NBA player to own all seven seasons of The Gilmore Girls on DVD, recently admitted that he expects to be involved in trade talks over the offseason, claiming that “injury prone centers with $12 million salaries and almost nine points per game don’t grow on trees. It’s pretty much just me and Samuel Dalembert, and that guy smells worse than Peja!”


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Chicago Bears Receive Prank Phone Call About Rex Grossman’s Availability

In 19165268, Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, Draft Busts, NFL, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 15, 2009 at 16:08




After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.

“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”

However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones,  but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”

Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.

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Tampa Bay Lightning Plan To Show 86-Second Barry Melrose Tribute Montage At Their Final Home Game

In Best Mullets in Sports, dangers to society, Draft Busts, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tampa Bay Lightning, Teams nobody cares about, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 9, 2009 at 17:23





Following the wildly successful release of Vinncent Lecavalier and The Sorcerer’s Stone, The Tampa Bay Lightning have decided to produce a short film entitled Behind the Mullet; A look at Barry Melrose’s Time in Tampa Bay.

The R Rated Movie (which features guest commentary from Steven Stamkos and Roman Polanski) , documents all 16 games Melrose coached in Tampa Bay including the six straight Mario Tremblay-style losses he began the season with. 

“It was tough to find 86 seconds worth of highlights,” said Lightning General Manager Brian Lawton. “But we spliced together all five of his wins with some shots of him and Darryl Sutter beating up midgets at a Chinese restaurantand ended up with a pretty solid film. I think it will be a really great thing to show between the national anthem and our inevitable loss.”

Search For John Daly’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Really? He's still alive, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 7, 2009 at 17:58



At a press conference held outside Rooster Red’s Cock Fighting Bar and All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet in Atlanta, a spokesman for the National Guard told a group of semi-interested reporters that the 17 year search for John Daly’s dignity has finally ended.

“We really tried our best to find it,” said Russell Stein, who has also led searches for the Loch Ness Monster, Nicole Simpsons’ real killer and NHL television ratings. “We got really close at a Taiwanese strip club in 1997, but nobody has seen John Daly’s dignity in over a decade, so we figured it was lost forever.”

Stein added that Daly’s self-respect and short game remain missing, but are no longer top priorities for his organization.

Donovan McNabb Finally Accepts Andy Reid’s Facebook Friend Request

In dangers to society, fun with midgets, NFL, Really? He's still alive, Teams nobody cares about on March 27, 2009 at 18:11



The ongoing battle between Philadelphia Eagles’ Starting Quarterback Donovan McNabb and elastic waste band spokesman Andy Reid has finally ended thanks to a drunkenly accepted Facebook friend request late last night.

After returning home from a neighborhood midget tossing competition (where McNabb had three dwarfs intercepted and returned for touchdowns), the slightly intoxicated quarterback decided to burry the digital hatchet and accept his coach’s pending friend request. “I don’t know if it was the strawberry daiquiris or his topless profile picture, but I decided to let Andy onto my list,” said McNabb is an admittedly fake interview. “We’re going to have to work together and put our differences aside if we want to meet our annual goal of losing in the conference championship.”

Popcorn Muscles briefly talked to Reid, but the three sausages, hollandaise sauce and chocolate milkshake jammed into his mouth made him very difficult to understand.

Kerry Collins Denies Romantic Ties to Bea Arthur

In Athletes who can't read, Illiterate rednecks, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 20, 2009 at 17:36



At a recent press conference held outside the Vince Young Center For Mental Health, Kerry Collins told reporters that rumors about his relationship with Bea Arthur are untrue, and an unfortunate example of the press using two high-profile sex symbols to sell more magazines.

Collins, whose ex-girlfriends include the mother from Family Matters, Doug Christie’s wife and both skinny members from Ace of Base, told reporters that right now he is focussed on football and has no time for relationships with attractive television stars.

“Look, I understand that because Bea Arthur and I were high school sweethearts people are going to say things when we’re seen out in public together,” Collins might have said in a make believe statement. “But I don’t think one innocent trip to the early bird special at Hometown Buffet means we’re dating. We’ve just known each other forever and she’s a great partner to train with in the offseason.”

Following Six-Overtime loss to Syracuse, Connecticut’s Jim Calhoun demands pay raise for extra hours

In Awful human beings, College Basketball, Draft Busts, Evil Empire, People more important than Jesus, Really? He's still alive, Selfish douche bags on March 14, 2009 at 02:35





During a press conference immediately following thursday night’s six overtime, 127-117 loss to Syracuse, Connecticut Coach Jim “money bags” Calhoun had no interest in talking basketball. In standard Calhoun fashion, all he cared to discuss  was his salary.

Calhoun attacked Connecticut”s Athletic Director (insert name here), arguing that no respectable coach could live on a $1.6 million salary. He mentioned that at just a shade under four hours, this was the longest game in Big East tournament history and demanded compensation for his extra time. “I had to pay my limo driver for an extra hour and that S@!? aint cheap,” Calhoun might have said.

Upon taking a moment to glance at his diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, Calhoun also expressed frustration at the fact the game ended at 1:22 a.m. “Not only is it way past my bedtime,” he told reporters in his surliest old man voice.  “But how is my butler supposed to tuck me in if he’s already asleep?”

Charles Barkley called “too fat” for prison yard basketball game

In Athletes who can't read, NBA, picking on fat kids, Really? He's still alive, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 8, 2009 at 18:43



Charles Barkley, who’s currently serving a three-day sentence at an Arizona correctional facility, was told to “take his fat ass back to the cafeteria” when he tried to play in a pick-up basketball game earlier today.

As the only member of the 1992 Dream Team to be cited for a DUI after downing wine coolers and bear-claws, Barkley was disappointed that five rapists, four murderers and a nerdy Jewish guy convicted of tax fraud were selected ahead of him in the “stripes vs. skins” game.

As he often does when life hands him disappointment, Barkley turned to food for comfort, reportedly eating 311 packets of Raman Noodles and washing it down with a delightful bottle of wine he and his cell mate brewed in their toilet.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Maurice Clarett

In 1, Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NFL, NFL Draft, People more important than Jesus, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Really? He's still alive on March 3, 2009 at 17:24

After squandering a lifetime of riches, beautiful women and never having to worry about blowing another guy for cigarettes, Maurice Clarett has revealed in his prison blog that he has had an epiphany. “Football is not Maurice Clarett.” (Ed. Note: We actually didn’t make this quote up, or any of these in fact. Honestly, we just aren’t this funny.)

Time in prison was necessary due to my actions but it’s my personal belief that I can use my celebrity to assist more people in so many creative ways that I’ve come up with than to occupy this cell at $25K per year,” he writes. While it wasn’t immediately known if Clarett understands the difference between infamy and celebrity, Popcorn Muscles was able to confirm through double secret probation sources (OK, we lied, we made this part up) that the former Ohio State star does look forward to his future segments on “Outside the Lines” and “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.”

Clarett goes on to write that he has interest in public speaking once he completes his three-and-half-year sentence as well as his acting debut in the straight-to-DVD release, “Gridiron Gang 2: Don’t Drop the Ball … or Soap.”