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Archive for the ‘Selfish pricks’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

APTOPIX Bonds Steroids Basseball

 

After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Isaiah Thomas Excited To Ruin Careers at the College Level

In Awful human beings, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Isaiah Thomas, NBA, New York Knicks, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 14, 2009 at 18:53

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Fresh off of a five year stint destroying the the New York Knicks and staving off sexual harassment lawsuits, Isaiah Thomas has decided to return to the college game (after a very brief three decade hiatus), after signing a deal to become the head basketball coach at Florida International University earlier today.

Thomas, who lists “dream killing” under the special skills portion of his resume’, brings a level of excitement to the FIU campus unseen since fresh fishstick day at the Wilson Dormitory cafeteria and renewed hope to a team that was tired of good character and fundamental basketball . 

“Our fans support the team, the players have great attitudes and there’s a lot of selflessness in the locker room,” Thomas said at an admittedly fake press conference. “It’s going to take me at least seven months to erase all of that.”

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Phoenix Suns Auction Off Their 2009 Draft Pick on eBay

In Awful human beings, Draft Busts, NBA, NBA Draft, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners on March 19, 2009 at 17:24

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Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver has decided to forgo his usual process of trading the team’s first round draft pick for cash (with frustrated fans to be named later) and has instead elected to place the organization’s looming lottery pick on eBay.

With a starting bid listed at $75, Sarver expects to see a lot of early action and is even sweetening the pot by offering the winning bidder a chance to help him select the team’s second round draft pick out of a hat, a celebrated process that has brought in some real Marcin Gortat caliber players.

Sarver explains that this bold new strategy is great for both fans and the NBA. “You don’t trade away Luol Deng, Nate Robinson, Rudy Fernandez and Rajon Rando without learning a thing or two,” Sarver fictitiously said. “With this new strategy, a Suns fan can bid on the pick and give it back to the team if he wins the auction. It’s a win-win situation! I get my annual ‘bonus’ and we will be able to finally use those snazzy draft day hats we’ve been saving since we used the 17th overall pick in 2003 to start the Zarko Cabarkapa era.”

Jay Cutler Throws A Temper Tantrum That is Intercepted and Returned for a Touchdown

In People afraid of the dark, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 17, 2009 at 01:30

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For the first time in his erratic career, Jay Cutler is finally showing critics his willingness to stand up and help the Denver Broncos become a championship team. “I really wanted to give them a better chance to win,” Cutler said while talking to Popcorn Muscles make believe reporters. “So I decided to throw a hissy fit and demand a trade.”

With zero winning seasons as a starting quarterback since high school, and demonstrating the decision making ability of a young Rick Mirer, Cutler acknowledges that the team would be better served with Kyle Orton at the helm or by signing former Drew Carey Show extra Bernie Kosar to run the wildcat offense.

“I used to think I was a pretty good quarterback,” said Cutler. “But I can’t argue with Josh McDaniel’s weeks of head coaching experience. He didn’t think I had what it takes, so I had to do the right thing and leave the franchise.”

Team USA Recruits George Bush to Help Bullpen With Exit Strategy

In Athletes who can't read, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, People more important than Jesus, People probably on steroids, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 16, 2009 at 18:56

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In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”

Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”

The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Detroit Tigers, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, MLB, People afraid of the dark, Selfish pricks, Shitty Owners, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on March 13, 2009 at 18:51

 

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Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.

Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”

Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”

Stuart Scott challenges Amar’e Stoudemire to staring contest

In Athletes who can't read, Awful human beings, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, International incidents, NBA, People more important than Jesus, phoenix suns, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 12, 2009 at 19:16

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SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! ESPN’s Stuart Scott will enter the ring against Phoenix Suns forward Amar’e Stoudemire for their long-awaited, highly anticipated stare down (dubbed by promoter Don King as “The Peek-a-Boo Zoo.” “Amar’e’s been avoiding me all these years and taunting me with his two good eyes,” said Scott, who’s also known as the hardest working lazy eye in show business, at a fictional pre-staring contest press conference. “That smug bastard knows this one is personal. Booyah!”

After detaching his retina in a game against the LA Clippers and absolutely destroying any hopes for the Suns to make the playoffs, Stoudemire decided to finally retaliate after years of jabs from Scott. “It was time to do something,” Stoudemire said when we pretended to reach him for comment. “But in reality, I didn’t even know he was talking to me when he first brought the contest up. I can never tell when he’s talking to me, actually. It’s almost impossible to get that guy to look you in the eye.”

Scheduled to take place at the Bristol metro area Lenscrafters, promoters are hoping for a large online viewership via Espn360.com.

Nascar Pit Crew Plays in Traffic

In Athletes who can't read, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, Nascar, Selfish pricks on March 12, 2009 at 03:49

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Written By Brad Wolf

With blantant disregard for his team’s chances (and less importantly, his life), NASCAR pit crew member Jimmy Watts broke the sport’s cardinal rule during the 67th lap of Sundays Sprint Cup. 

Like a clumsy fat kid chasing a runaway gumball, Watts awkwardly ran after a loose tire heading straight towards oncoming traffic just minutes after the first 268 left turns were made. As every American with a hunting license and Confederate tattoo knows, the NASCAR rule book clearly states that pit crew members are not to go on the track for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER while cars are racing. In his defense though, we must admit that language is very vague. What specifically does ANY REASON WHATSOEVER entail? Your guess is as good as ours.

In an interview with popcorn mucles that may or may not have actually taken place we asked Watts to explain his blantant disregard of the written rules. Watts responded by saying, “I work for a NASCAR pit crew, I can’t read all dem fancy books.”

 In response to this groundbreaking idiocy, NASCAR announced their plans to release the latest edition of the rulebook on audio tape  narrated by Larry the Cable Guy with special guest Jeff Foxworthy entitled “Rules … git em done!”

San Diego becomes pass first team by re-signing aging RB LaDainian Tomlinson

In Athletes who can't read, Embarrassments to humanity, San Diego Chargers, Selfish pricks on March 11, 2009 at 22:44

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The San Diego Chargers announced today that they and star running back (well, “star” in a loose sense of the word) LaDainian Tomlinson have agreed to a restructured contract that will allow the team to save money against the cap this year and cut his ass before the 2010 training camp with almost no repercussions. “Oh, I’m so excited about staying here,” said Tomlinson in an interview we made up. “I have only a few years left of living off my old accomplishments and missing crucial playoff games. It was important for me and my family to stay here and prevent the Chargers from ever getting to a Super Bowl.”

San Diego (which, of course, in German means whale’s vagina) had contemplated cutting the former All-Pro in an attempt to show the Tampa Bay Buccaneers they aren’t the only ones who can cast aside beloved veterans. “Well, we had a change of heart,” Chargers GM A.J. Smith said to Popcorn Muscles in another fake statement. “Besides I have him in my keeper fantasy league so it makes everything a lot easier.”

Urban Meyer and Bob Stoops call NCAA Tournament bracket “illogical”

In College Basketball, International incidents, People more important than Jesus, Selfish pricks, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 10, 2009 at 17:00

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At a fake press conference held outside Mack Brown’s home early this morning, Florida Gators football coach Urban Meyer told reporters that he didn’t approve of the controversial NCAA Basketball Tournament claiming it was “unfair to the fans” and “inconsistent with the tried and true BCS System.”

“It’s ridiculous,” said Meyer to a group of confused reporters. “Big schools shouldn’t have to waste their time giving smaller colleges a chance to compete. At this point it makes sense to ask a few dozen basketball writers who their favorite two teams are and let them play for the championship. How much more exciting would that be than a monotonous 64-team tournament?”

Joined by Bob Stoops (who sported a collection of bacon grease stains on his “I heart Hometown Buffet” t-shirt), Meyer explained that a series of bowl games featuring the best 64 teams would be much more enthralling for the fans. “Imagine how exciting it would be for UConn if after 32 regular season games they got to play Duke in the “Monistat 7 Bowl.”  They’d get to compete against the second best team from another conference AND have the next night free to watch UNC battle Pitt for the national championship! It’s a win-win for everyone!”

Though Lou Holtz was unable to incoherently comment/ramble from his hyperbaric chamber, several ESPN analysts debated the idea for nine straight hours and began a new segment called “Gottlieb’s Bowl Projections” sponsored by “Gel-met… the only hair gel that turns hair into a helmet.”

 

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