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Archive for the ‘Sexual Predators’ Category

Barry Bonds Considered a Cancer in Golf Course Clubhouse

In Athletes who can't read, Athletes Who Probably Smell Bad, Barry Bonds, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, International incidents, MLB, Overpaid Bums, People probably on steroids, Really? He's still alive, Selfish pricks, Sexual Predators on April 29, 2009 at 17:46

APTOPIX Bonds Steroids Basseball

 

After a Jeff Kent-esque locker room run-in with Calabasas Country Club member Harold Schwartzbaum earlier this week, former Major League Baseball star Barry Bonds (who still boasts the best Beanie Baby collection in professional sports), has been labelled a “clubhouse cancer” and stricken of his post round pudding privileges by the golf course president.

“When he kicked me in the shin after I asked him to borrow that medicated cream in his locker I finally had it,” said Schwartzbaum, an 81-year-old retired proctologist. “Barry is killing the morale in this locker room and we just can’t have this kind of negative energy going into our annual Putt N’ Smutt mixer with the ladies sewing circle at the Studio City Pitch And Putt.”

Schwartzbaum added that Bonds’ demands for a personal lounge chair and  custom engineered 4XL straw hats angered other members and made the executive board question the glowing recommendations Victor Conte and Bob Saget had written for him during the application process.

“It also really pisses me off that he hired his own public relations guy to go around the country club telling everybody anytime he gets a birdie,” said Schwartzbaum. “This putz is the most selfish asshole out there and if he’s not careful Bob Barker is going to knock him out pretty soon!”

 

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Sacramento Kings Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Played a Part in the Team’s 17-65 Record

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, NBA, People Shorter than Gary Bettman, Sacramento Kings, Selfish douche bags, Sexual Predators, Teams nobody cares about on April 16, 2009 at 16:47

kings suck

In a recent interview with Fledgling Franchises Magazine, Sacramento Kings’ owner and suspected polka enthusiast George Maloof admitted that the junior high caliber roster he put together may have played a small factor in the team’s “Detroit Lions-esque season.”

“Obviously the economy is the biggest reason for our on court failure,” Maloof told a reporter that he later tried to have sex with. “But it’s possible that Beno Udrih is not the franchise player we thought he was and I’m pretty sure we traded for the wrong Kenny Thomas.”

Maloof added that Bobby Jackson shooting 31 percent from the field, Shareef’ Abdur-Rahim’s allergic reaction to playing defense and Spencer Hawes embarrassing appearance on the reality show Sunset Tan may have hurt the organization, but did not cause irreparable/Kwame Brown damages.

“Nobody wants to be the team that finishes below the Clippers,” he explained. “But we have several young players that are showing Scott Pollard potential, and with a few high draft picks we could be a playoff team well before I try and move the Kings to Las Vegas.”