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Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade

In Best Mullets in Sports, fake tans, International incidents, NFL, NFL Draft, People who will die virgins, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 27, 2009 at 18:50

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Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.

“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”

Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”

 

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Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to New York Giants Because Blue Uniforms Make Him Look Fat

In Anquan Boldin, Arizona Cardinals, Athletes who can't read, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, mascot sex, NFL, People afraid of the dark, People probably on steroids, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 20, 2009 at 17:46

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Arizona Cardinals’ Wide Receiver and avid stamp collector Anquan Boldin (who recently wrote the forward of Terrell Owens new book How to Look Ripped While Ruining A Franchise), recently told Spoiled Athlete Magazine that he would refuse to accept a trade to the New York Giants, as their dark blue uniforms make him look a tad on the chubby side.

Boldin, who has recently begun dating a full length mirror, explained that he would prefer to play for teams with lighter color schemes like the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals, as they would really make his muscles “pop” while yelling at teammates and complaining about his touches.

“I’m demanding a trade from a Super Bowl team with a proven quarterback and solid offense,” Boldin fictitiously told a reporter while picking up Matt Leinart and his date from the Desert Mountain High School junior prom. “I clearly don’t care if I win football games. It’s all about how I look on the field and whether or not the cameras can see how defined my biceps are while I’m ignoring my fans or flirting with Sal Paolantonio between plays.”

 

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Gilbert Arenas to Teach Sportsmanship Class at the Tracy McGrady Center for Playoff Excellence

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Houston Rockets, People afraid of the dark, Selfish douche bags, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tracy McGrady on April 17, 2009 at 18:48

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After a tiring two game season, Gilbert Arenas (who was missing shots at midseason form while going 6-21 from the field), has decided to take time off from writing his Darius Songaila tell-all book and spend the offseason teaching a class on sportsmanship at the Tracy McGrady Center of Playoff Excellence.

“A lot of young NBA players don’t realize that basketball games are won and lost in the post game interview,” Arenas fictitiously said . “Sure, everyone knows that taunting opponents  and making obscene predictions are important, but there’s so much wisdom I have left to teach.”

Founded by the Rocket’s “star” in 2005 after an exceptionally depressing first round loss to the Dallas Mavericks, the McGrady Center aims to teach young NBA players that winning playoff rounds is not the only measure of postseason success. “People think that just because I’ve never got out of the first round I’m some sort of choke artist,” McGrady said in a make believe interview. “But there’s more to being a playoff performer than actually winning games, and I think a guy like Gilbert can really help get that message across.”

Finally Laughing “With,” not “At” the NHL

In Athletes who can't read, Creepy Bastards, dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, International incidents, NBA, NHL, NHL Playoffs, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about on April 15, 2009 at 22:39

A Sarcastic Series-By-Series Look At The First Round Of The Playoffs

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Eastern Conference

Boston vs Montreal

This seemingly annual playoff tilt between two original six teams looks more like an awkward European reality show than a battle of legendary franchises. Between Alexei Kovalev (who teaches an offseason sportsmanship class at the Mats Sundin Playoff Performance Center in Toronto), the nine-foot Slovakian Boston puts a Rita McNeal sized jersey on every game and the frighteningly violent fans in each city, this series may have a fatality rate comparable to the over/under line.

While Montreal has gotten the better of the bean town boys in years passed, it is difficult to imagine an eighth-seeded team with players currently under federal investigation and a defensive core that calls Roman Hamrlik their “go-to-guy” has what it takes to defeat the top ranked Bruins.

Boston in 6

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Washington Capitals vs New York Rangers

Alex Ovechkin, who’s MVP award last season was the franchise’s first piece of hardware since Rod Langways’ Most Improved Moustache Award in 1979, finally has the Capitals on track for a Stanley Cup run.

If Jose Theodore can channel his inner Don Beaupre and Ovechkin can put his recent Kerry Collins-Bea Arthur love triangle behind him, there’s no reason why Washington can’t put the Rangers on a golf course with the Knicks in four straight games. 

Washington in 3… 4, if the NHL makes them play this one out.

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New Jersey vs Carolina

After finally giving the state of North Carolina a much deserved Stanley Cup in 2006 , the Hurricanes are back in the playoffs and ready to make Canadians question the existence of God by bringing the championship back to Tobacco Road in 2009.

Unfortunately for Carolina, this will mean getting through a Devil’s team whose commitment to disciplined defense and unrelenting boredom hasn’t wavered one bit since Scott Stevens retired from the NHL in 2004, to begin playing Rafiki in Disney’s The Lion King on Ice.

Though God clearly hates Canada, not even Jesus himself can stay awake long enough to beat the neutral zone trap. 

New Jersey in 6

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Pittsburgh vs Philadelphia 

Sidney Crosby has been whining in postseason form since October and this Egveni Malkin kid looks like he may have some sort of future playing in the NHL if his upcoming tryout with American Idol goes south.

Despite the Flyers offensive depth and Andy Reid designed nutrition plan, they simply don’t have enough firepower to keep pace with the Penguins. Look for Sid the kid to thrive in this series, while reminding Pittsburgh fans that the Ruslan Fedotenko era is still years away. 

Pens in a very exciting 7

Western Conference

San Jose vs Anaheim

Joe Thorton is already two months into his playoff beard and Evgeni Nabakov has made room next to his World’s Most Adequate Goalie Award for a Stanley Cup ring. 

The Sharks have offense, defense, one and a half black guys and Rob Blake staving off osteoporosis for a final playoff push. It’s going to take a Gordon Bombay miracle for Ryan Getzlaf and the Ducks to win this series.

Sharks in 5

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Detroit vs Columbus

Not even Jim Tressel and his stylish sweater vests can save Columbus in this Michigan-Ohio battle. The Red Wings became the first team to win a Stanley Cup with a European captain last season and are the single largest of employer of Swedish immigrants in the entire country.

Columbus, conversely, is like a fat chick who showed up to a party with the cheerleader. Just happy to be here and excited to get seen with the popular team.

Red Wings in Five

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Vancouver Canucks vs St. Louis Blues

Led by a semi-incestual first line and a goalie whose save percentage rivals his hair gel budget, the Vancouver Canucks snuck up from behind (or as it’s called the team’s communal shower “Getting Sedin’d”) and took over the Northwest division title late in the season. With playoff greats like Pavol Demitra and Alex Burrows leading the way, every bandwagon fan in Vancouver who started supporting the team three weeks ago knows this squad is for real!

While the organization will never be able to relive the glory days of almost winning a Stanley Cup 15 years ago, this year’s Canucks team has the chance to get embarrassed by Detroit in the second round before spending an offseason wondering why signing a balding has-been to a Geoff Courtnall sized contract mid-way through the year didn’t work.

Canucks in 6

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Chicago vs. Calgary

 Remember when Jarome Iginla and Vinny Lecavalier fought in the Stanley Cup finals to fire up their teams? Now imagine the same situation, only with Jonathan Toews dropping the gloves with Number 12.

Chicago may be the 2011 Stanley Cup favorites, but at the end of the day their  youth will be their demise and not even Conn Smythe favorite and alleged defenseman Brent Sopel  will be able to save them.

The Flames, who are sick of Calgary being regarded as a football town after the Stampeders’ Grey Cup win, have the potential to sip champagne from Lord Stanley if Miikka Kiprusoff and his red beard of courage can rekindle the 2004 Magic

Flames in Six

Top Football Recruit Stops For Gas At Notre Dame on Way To Visit University Of Florida

In dangers to society, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Evil Empire, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams nobody cares about, Teams that never cover the spread, Teams with Fat Coaches, University of Notre Dame on April 14, 2009 at 16:20

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On a recent recruiting trip to Gainesville, five star offensive tackle recruit James Hurst stopped to fill up his Mazda Miata just outside the Ron Powlus Center for Disappointment at the University of Notre Dame.

“I actually didn’t know they had a football team,” said the Indiana native in a fictitious interview. “My Grandpa used to talk about Fighting Irish football winning national championships, but he had Alzheimers so I assumed it was sort of like his theory about the fake moon landing or Montreal baseball.”

Hurst, who had his gas tank filled up by Junior Pump Specialist Rick Mirer, was reportedly impressed with the shiny gold dome in the middle of the campus, and even told a friend that he hoped the mid-major program would one day be able to compete with schools like Syracuse and Air Force.

 

Written by David Breitman

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Tampa Bay Lightning Plan To Show 86-Second Barry Melrose Tribute Montage At Their Final Home Game

In Best Mullets in Sports, dangers to society, Draft Busts, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People afraid of the dark, Really? He's still alive, sexy senior citizens, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Tampa Bay Lightning, Teams nobody cares about, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 9, 2009 at 17:23

 

 

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Following the wildly successful release of Vinncent Lecavalier and The Sorcerer’s Stone, The Tampa Bay Lightning have decided to produce a short film entitled Behind the Mullet; A look at Barry Melrose’s Time in Tampa Bay.

The R Rated Movie (which features guest commentary from Steven Stamkos and Roman Polanski) , documents all 16 games Melrose coached in Tampa Bay including the six straight Mario Tremblay-style losses he began the season with. 

“It was tough to find 86 seconds worth of highlights,” said Lightning General Manager Brian Lawton. “But we spliced together all five of his wins with some shots of him and Darryl Sutter beating up midgets at a Chinese restaurantand ended up with a pretty solid film. I think it will be a really great thing to show between the national anthem and our inevitable loss.”

Search For John Daly’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard

In Awful human beings, dangers to society, Embarrassments to humanity, Illiterate rednecks, People probably on steroids, picking on fat kids, Really? He's still alive, Suspected porn enthusiasts on April 7, 2009 at 17:58

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At a press conference held outside Rooster Red’s Cock Fighting Bar and All-You-Can-Eat Breakfast Buffet in Atlanta, a spokesman for the National Guard told a group of semi-interested reporters that the 17 year search for John Daly’s dignity has finally ended.

“We really tried our best to find it,” said Russell Stein, who has also led searches for the Loch Ness Monster, Nicole Simpsons’ real killer and NHL television ratings. “We got really close at a Taiwanese strip club in 1997, but nobody has seen John Daly’s dignity in over a decade, so we figured it was lost forever.”

Stein added that Daly’s self-respect and short game remain missing, but are no longer top priorities for his organization.

School Janitor Becomes Ninth Candidate To Turn Down University of Arizona Basketball Coaching Job

In Arizona Wildcats, College Basketball, Evil Empire, NBA Draft, People you'll never hear about in seven months, picking on fat kids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 6, 2009 at 17:26

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Just like a fat kid desperately looking for a prom date, The University of Arizona basketball program has continued its parade of rejection after George “Moppy” Johnson turned down their head coaching job earlier this week.

According to a report  by Larry King on JanitorNews.com, contract negotiations broke down after the school refused to provide Johnson with a new dustpan for road games and merchandising rights on all slop buckets bearing his image.

“We’re extremely disappointed to have Johnson turns us down,” said a spokesman for the University of Arizona in a fictitious statement. “I wasn’t upset when Tim Floyd, Sean Miller, Seth Rogen, Mike Martz, Chloris Leachman, The Honeycomb Bear, John Wooden and Donald Rumsfeld rejected us, but this one really hurts. I guess we’re going to have to figure out a way to make a program with a National Championship, four Final Four appearances, dozens of NBA players and a Sweet 16 birth this year attractive to prospective coaches.”

Daunte Culpepper Voted Least Likely To Succeed At Detroit Lions’ Mini-Camp

In Detroit Lions, Draft Busts, Embarrassments to humanity, Matt Millen, NFL, picking on fat kids, Suspected porn enthusiasts, Teams that never cover the spread, Things Dennis Quaid has ruined on April 2, 2009 at 16:59

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Just months after the release of his tell-all children’s book, Daunte Culpepper (who recently earned extra money serving as the stunt double for the Pillsbury Doughboy on a croissant commercial), continued his downward spiral into football mediocrity by being named Least Likely To Succeed at the Detroit Lions mimi-camp earlier this week.

The Jon Kitna Award, which is annually presented by three-time winner and current tire salesman Charles Rogers, marks the first time a Lions’ quarterback has received the honor since Joey Harrington, and the only instance someone has been shown such little faith by his teammates just six months after signing with the organization.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that nearly everybody on this roster will fail in some capacity this season,” said team captain Ernie Sims. “But Daunte does it in such a spectacular way, that it would be foolish to give the award to somebody else.”

International Study Reveals Mascots Get Laid A Lot

In dangers to society, mascot sex, One of Gary Bettman's 612 mistakes, People probably on steroids, People you'll never hear about in seven months, Suspected porn enthusiasts on March 25, 2009 at 18:23

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In a recent report released by the Louie Anderson Center Of Sexual Discovery, acclaimed sexologist Oliver Christ (no relation), claimed that mascots get laid substantially more than fans, broadcasters and the entire Washington Wizards roster.

According to the study, chubby MLB mascots like the Phillie Phanatic and Lou Piniella are the most popular with housewives and sorority girls, while the Mariner Moose is being considered for a GQ cover shoot thanks to a well-publicized romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. “There’s definitely a lot of fur chasers in the stands every game,” says Benny the Bull. “Back when we were winning NBA Championships I was nailing three chicks every night and sleeping with the hotel maid in the morning.”

While most mascots revel in the fast paced lifestyle, the report also notes that the constant sexual exploits do come at a price. “I remember when I heard the Mariner Moose got syphilis,” recalls his good friend Harvey the Hound. “It really makes you wonder if  all those trips to Thailand are worth it.”