Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade
Towards the end of ESPN’s 19th hour of NFL Draft coverage, Mel Kiper Jr. told rival analyst and boy band look-a-like Todd McShay that although his George Hamilton commitment level to fake tanning cream was impressive, he could only give the spunky guru’s orange coating a B-Plus.
“McShay’s tan was a lot like Mark Sanchez’s draft profile,” fictitiously said Kiper. “A little too Hollywood, sort of came out of nowehere and definitely untested in cold weather.”
Kiper, who spent Monday morning telling third graders at a local elementary school that they weren’t talented enough to make the NFL, did note that McShay’s “lotion abuse” was a great building block for the ESPN all-tan team captained by peroxide spokesman Kirb Herbstreit. “He has a lot of potential, but for now his spray tan just isn’t quite where it needs to be in order to be considered the best in the business.”
Just months after the release of his tell-all children’s book, Daunte Culpepper (who recently earned extra money serving as the stunt double for the Pillsbury Doughboy on a croissant commercial), continued his downward spiral into football mediocrity by being named Least Likely To Succeed at the Detroit Lions mimi-camp earlier this week.
The Jon Kitna Award, which is annually presented by three-time winner and current tire salesman Charles Rogers, marks the first time a Lions’ quarterback has received the honor since Joey Harrington, and the only instance someone has been shown such little faith by his teammates just six months after signing with the organization.
“There’s no doubt in my mind that nearly everybody on this roster will fail in some capacity this season,” said team captain Ernie Sims. “But Daunte does it in such a spectacular way, that it would be foolish to give the award to somebody else.”
After months of shopping alleged quarterback Rex Grossman to various teams throughout the NFL, CFL and Illinois Penal leagues, Chicago Bears General Manager Jerry Angelo finally received some interest in the former first round draft pick late Tuesday night.
“I got a drunken phone call at around three in the morning,” fictitiously said Angelo. “I just figured Jerry Jones was liquored up and making trades again, so I was pretty excited about the possibility of unloaded Grossman on him.”
However, much to the chagrin of Angelo and the greater Chicago population, the call was not from Jones, but rather a University of Illinois Fraternity house as part of a senior prank. “I don’t know how these kids got my phone number,” he said. “But I didn’t hang up the phone when they offered a keg of beer and a pledge to be named later for Rex.”
Grossman, who has led the team in fumbled snaps and post game death threats for six straight seasons, declined to comment on the trade talks.
The ongoing battle between Philadelphia Eagles’ Starting Quarterback Donovan McNabb and elastic waste band spokesman Andy Reid has finally ended thanks to a drunkenly accepted Facebook friend request late last night.
After returning home from a neighborhood midget tossing competition (where McNabb had three dwarfs intercepted and returned for touchdowns), the slightly intoxicated quarterback decided to burry the digital hatchet and accept his coach’s pending friend request. “I don’t know if it was the strawberry daiquiris or his topless profile picture, but I decided to let Andy onto my list,” said McNabb is an admittedly fake interview. “We’re going to have to work together and put our differences aside if we want to meet our annual goal of losing in the conference championship.”
Popcorn Muscles briefly talked to Reid, but the three sausages, hollandaise sauce and chocolate milkshake jammed into his mouth made him very difficult to understand.
In a recent report released by the Louie Anderson Center Of Sexual Discovery, acclaimed sexologist Oliver Christ (no relation), claimed that mascots get laid substantially more than fans, broadcasters and the entire Washington Wizards roster.
According to the study, chubby MLB mascots like the Phillie Phanatic and Lou Piniella are the most popular with housewives and sorority girls, while the Mariner Moose is being considered for a GQ cover shoot thanks to a well-publicized romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. “There’s definitely a lot of fur chasers in the stands every game,” says Benny the Bull. “Back when we were winning NBA Championships I was nailing three chicks every night and sleeping with the hotel maid in the morning.”
While most mascots revel in the fast paced lifestyle, the report also notes that the constant sexual exploits do come at a price. “I remember when I heard the Mariner Moose got syphilis,” recalls his good friend Harvey the Hound. “It really makes you wonder if all those trips to Thailand are worth it.”
In an effort to help NFL franchises replace players currently incarcerated throughout the country, Leavenworth Penitentiary has begun their “Pay it Forward” campaign, by inviting the league’s top scouts to the prison’s first ever scouting combine.
Headlined by defensive end prospect Rashard “Stabby” Johnson, who impressed several general managers by bench-pressing the rotting carcass of a 225 pound man he strangled to death over three dozen times, some scouts feel this is the deepest group of inmates since the Hall of Fame class from San Quentin in 1992.
“There’s a lot of talented players out here to choose from,” said one anonymous and possibly non-existent scout. “And when evaluating prospects at local prisons you don’t have to deal with the character issues you get at Florida State or Miami.”
At a recent press conference held outside the Vince Young Center For Mental Health,Kerry Collins told reporters that rumors about his relationship with Bea Arthur are untrue, and an unfortunate example of the press using two high-profile sex symbols to sell more magazines.
Collins, whose ex-girlfriends include the mother from Family Matters, Doug Christie’s wife and both skinny members from Ace of Base, told reporters that right now he is focussed on football and has no time for relationships with attractive television stars.
“Look, I understand that because Bea Arthur and I were high school sweethearts people are going to say things when we’re seen out in public together,” Collins might have said in a make believe statement. “But I don’t think one innocent trip to the early bird special at Hometown Buffet means we’re dating. We’ve just known each other forever and she’s a great partner to train with in the offseason.”
For the first time in his erratic career, Jay Cutler is finally showing critics he is willing to stand up and help the Denver Broncos become a championship team. “I really wanted to give them a better chance to win,” Cutler said while talking to Popcorn Muscles make believe reporters. “So I decided to throw a hissy fit and quit the team.”
Boasting zero winning seasons as a starting quarterback since high school and demonstrating the decision making abilities of a young Rick Mirer, Cutler acknowledges the team is better served with Patrick Ramsey at the helm or signing Bernie Kosar off of waivers.
The Broncos have yet to announce where they plan to trade the mop-topped misfit, but sources say both the CFL and Boy Scouts have expressed interest in acquiring him.
Visit Cutler’s web site WWWW.LILBITCH.COM for his personal blog and 10 surefire tips on how to escape a quarterback sack without letting a tampon string get in the way.
Finally the Dane Looker era begins! Rams cut Torry Holt
In an effort to help their fans forget about those annoying Super Bowl years, the St. Louis Rams have cut Pro Bowl Wide Receiver Torry Holt and promoted Dane Looker (who won a Gold Star for “spirit” at the Middlebrook Junior High Football camp 19 years ago) to the top receiver spot.
Looker, who recently timed his forty yard dash with an hour glass, is only eight years removed from his best season and remains well rested after sitting out the entire 2007 campaign with an undisclosed injury his mother called very serious. “When you have a short white guy who went un-drafted almost a decade ago on your roster you have to give him the chance to do something special,” says Rams’ Head Coach Steve Spagnuolo in a fake, but enjoyable interview. “Dane Looker represents where this franchise is going and I couldn’t be happier.”
Spagnuolo adds that playing guys like Holt with blazing speed and great hands may win games, starting a receiver that the average fan could beat in a foot race gets first overall draft picks.
San Diego becomes pass first team by re-signing aging RB LaDainian Tomlinson
The San Diego Chargers announced today that they and star running back (well, “star” in a loose sense of the word) LaDainian Tomlinson have agreed to a restructured contract that will allow the team to save money against the cap this year and cut his ass before the 2010 training camp with almost no repercussions. “Oh, I’m so excited about staying here,” said Tomlinson in an interview we made up. “I have only a few years left of living off my old accomplishments and missing crucial playoff games. It was important for me and my family to stay here and prevent the Chargers from ever getting to a Super Bowl.”
San Diego (which, of course, in German means whale’s vagina) had contemplated cutting the former All-Pro in an attempt to show the Tampa Bay Buccaneers they aren’t the only ones who can cast aside beloved veterans. “Well, we had a change of heart,” Chargers GM A.J. Smith said to Popcorn Muscles in another fake statement. “Besides I have him in my keeper fantasy league so it makes everything a lot easier.”
In a fictitious interview with Unibrow Living last month, Baltimore Ravens’ quarterback Joe Flacco was asked when he would finally come out of the closet and stop degrading Ernie with his fascist “no eating cookies in bed” policy. “That’s ridiculous!” Flacco responded. “I have a girlfriend and don’t care where Ernie Simms eats his Oreos.”
Dumbfounded by the assertion, guest columnist and unibrow aficionado Andy Rooney quoted an anonymous grouch who claimed that “Bert had given Ernie a ‘Mr. Hooper special’” behind Elmo’s discount tire store three times last week.
“Wait, you think I’m Bert from Sesame Street?” asked Flacco. “No, I’m afraid you’re mistaken. I’m Joe Flacco, from the Baltimore Raves.”
Embarrassed by his mistake, Rooney apologized to the up-and-coming-quarterback and shared a glass of his finest Metamucil with the single-browed youngster and spent the following seven hours explaining how kids today just don’t know what good music is.
Ernie declined to comment on the allegations.
Eli Manning loses favorite nightlight at Quarterback camp
Just months after Donovan McNabb allegedly stole his Ghostbusters blankey, Eli Manning reportedly left his snoopy nightlight in a Hawaiian hotel room following his first Pro Bowl appearance.
Sources say that Manning brought the nightlight to the annual event to protect him from monsters under the bed and icky girls trying to give him kooties after practice.
In a press conference held outside of Chuck E Cheese, the Giants’ quarterback told reporters that he hasn’t been able to sleep well since losing the nightlight, explaining that not even his Mommy’s bed time stories can make him feel safe in the dark.
Unfortunately, Manning’s comments were intercepted by the Eagles secondary and ran back 80 yards for a touchdown.
If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of the nightlight please contact the Manning family. Eli has offered his favorite two transformers as a reward.
Houshmandzadeh excited to go 4-12 again with brand new team
After being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs in late September with the Cincinnati Bengals last season, TJ Houshmandzadeh has chosen to continue his commitment to losing by signing with the Seattle Seahawks.
Known for his sure hands and striking resemblance to Secretariat, the eight-year veteran has already made plans to watch the playoffs from the comfort of his own home and begin working on his tell-all book titled “F*ck Chad Johnson,” while catching Oklahoma City Thunder games and touring the towns’ recently bankrupt Starbucks franchises.
Though the Seahawks are the perfect organization for the aging veteran (everyone knows wide receivers get better once they turn 32 years old), the deal was moments away from falling through.
Houshmandzadeh nearly signed with the Philadelphia Eagles last week after being impressed by their willingness to let three starters go in free agency, but later questioned the franchise’s commitment to failure after keeping Pro Bowl Quarterback Donovan McNabb for the upcoming season.
While some suggest Seattle’s complete lack of a running game and the idea of playing for a 33-year-old injury-prone quarterback intrigued Houshmandzadeh, experts say it was the city’s overall “sprit of defeat” that captured the 31-year-old’s heart.
Houshmandzadeh and 58 of the league’s least talented players begin killing their fan base one devastating loss at a time this Septmeber, further cementing the pony-tailed receiver’s place in football’s Hall of Irrelevance.
Jesus Christ Advises Kurt Warner to Hold Out for More Money
As he often does with many of his major life decisions, 52-year-old Arizona Cardinals’ Quarterback Kurt Warner has turned to NFL superfan Jesus Christ to guide him through free agency.
Jesus, who died for all man’s sins in his last negotiation, called the Cardinals’ one year-$12 million deal “insulting” and told the team that Warner would only consider “serious offers.”
Though the Cardinals declined to comment on the situation, sources close to the team say management believes a deal will be reached shortly.
At a press conference last week, Jesus told reporters that both sides want Warner starting for the Cardinals in 2009, explaining that letting him go simply to save a few million dollars would be a Dennis Green sized mistake for the organization.
The son of God noted that The Ten Commandments say “thou shall not murder,” and letting Matt Leinart become the Cardinals’ starting Quarterback would kill this franchise.
Human Rights Activists call NFL “cruel” for allowing Detroit Lions to draft young players
Protestors have begun picketing the NFL’s front office in an effort to save college players from having their careers ruined by the Detroit Lions.
Led by Charles Rogers, Men Against Tyrannical Teams Making It Less Likely [to] Ending Nicely (known by their acronym M.A.T.T. M.I.L.L.EN.), call the Lions’ abuse of young talent a relentless attack on decency and an annual example of Gary Bettman-sized incompetence.
Though the NFL has yet to address these concerns, many wonder why Roger Goodell refuses to let Pacman Jones participate in harmless stripper assaults, yet allows the Lions to ruin lives and cripple careers every season.
Protestors have even written to Barack Obama, urging the newly-elected president to save young men like Matthew Stafford or Jason Smith from becoming the franchise’s newest victim. One Georgia fan noted that Stafford would be safer in Iraq than Detroit.
With less than one month before nine young men make their way from the draft day podium to Ford Field’s slaughterhouse, various human rights groups plan to increase their efforts and end the abusive practice of letting talented college players begin their careers with the NFL’s worst franchise.
As Oscar Wilde probably would have said, “Give a man a paycheck and watch him smile for a day. But pay that man to play for the Lions and watch him suffer for a lifetime.”