Popcorn Muscles

Today’s Headlines

Thursday  April 30th, 2009

Tracy McGrady Finally Realizes Not Playing Is The Best Way To Help His Team

Julius Peppers Skips Training Camp To Focus On Demanding More Money

Czech Republic Hockey Locker Room Surpasses Britney Spears Tour Bus For Grossest Place On Earth


Wednesday April 30th, 2009

Reggie Theus Ready To Begin Shooting Hang Time; The Movie

Three University of Miami Football Players Arrested For Loitering At NFL Draft

Don Cherry’s Stylist Wins Lifetime Achievement Award From National Plaid Society

Tuesday April 28th, 2009

Andrei Kirilenko No Longer Considered A Lock For Hall Of Fame After Poor Playoff Performance

Barry Bonds Considered A “Cancer” At His Local Golf Course Clubhouse


Monday April 27th, 2009

Matt Stafford Feels Confident the Lions Can Double Last Season’s Win Total

Mel Kiper Gives Todd McShay’s Fake Tan a B-Plus Draft Grade




Friday April 24h, 2009

95,772 People In Ohio Admit Their State Is Boring By Attending a Spring Practice Game

Donald Duck Arrested After Bar Fight With Rival San Jose Sharks Fan

New York Yankees Miss Alex Rodriguez’s Clutch April Hitting


Thursday April 23rd, 2009

Very Few Lithuanians Expected To Be Selected At Upcoming NFL Draft

Chris Chelios Receives Senior Discount At Team Breakfast

Rick Neuheisel Believes UCLA is Only Three Newspaper Ads Away From Becoming Better than USC




Wednesday April 22nd, 2009

Three Men Brutally Murdered at Washington National Burrito Giveaway Night

Flip Saunders Critical of Allen Iverson’s jDate Profile

Chase Daniel Joins Intramural Midget Wrestling Team



Tuesday April 21st, 2009

Ryan Zimmerman Shows Five Year Commitment to Losing By Signing New Deal With the Washington Nationals                       

Kansas City Chief’s Receiver Practice Touchdown Celebrations Just in Case

Phoenix Coyotes Hold Moderately Priced Fan Appreciation Dinner

Sam Cassell Now 33 Human Years Old


Monday April 20th, 2009

Luke Walton Asked to Leave Staples Center in Order to Make Room For Somebody More Famous

Anquan Boldin Rejects Trade to Giants Because Blue Makes Him Look Fat

John Brantley’s Spring Game Performance Indicates Tim Tebow is Just a System Quarterback


Thursday April 16th, 2009

Gilbert Arenas to Teach Sportsmanship Class at the Tracy McGrady Center For Playoff Excellence

Syracuse Lineman on Pace to Finish Forty Yard Dash Early Next Spring 

Columbus Blue Jackets Only Four Goals Away From Defeating Detroit Red Wings In Opening Game

Wednesday April 15th, 2009

Sacramento Kings’ Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Contributed to 17-65 Season

John Madden Leaves Broadcast Booth To Spend More Time on Fried Food Consumption and Endorsing Foot Care Products

Local Man Dies of Boredom At Women’s Tennis Match

NFL Gives Dallas Cowboys Six Opportunities To Embarrass Themselves on National Television Next Year



Tuesday April 14th, 2009

Five Star Recruit Stops For Gas At Notre Dame On Way To Visit University of Florida

Isaiah Thomas Excited To Ruin Careers At The College Level

World’s Top Curler Finally Living Above The Poverty Line

Oscare De La Hoya Retires From Boxing In Order to Focus More Time On His Hair


Monday April 13th, 2009

Allen Iverson Tells Fat Guy In Front Row To Go F*ck Himself During Fan Appreciation Day

Gary Betman Plans To Juggle During The NHL’s Save Our League Telethon

Chris Kaman Plans To Teach a “How To Pick Up Women” Course at a Local Community College Over the Offseason

New York Knicks Promise Not to Let Anyone On The Nets Score 50 Points in the Team’s Final Home Game



Thursday April 9th, 2009

Critics Unimpressed With Ed Hockley Workout Video

EA Sports Set to Release New Stewart Cink 09 Video Game

Only 158 Games Left Until Playoff Baseball Begins




Wednesday April 8th, 2009

Tavaris Jackson Says The Vikings Have A Great Shot At The Super Bowl if the Team Can Address Their Quarterback Issues

Shocking Study Reveals Ping Pong Fatality Rates Still Relatively Low

Kansas City Royals Still Not Mathematically Eliminated from Playoff Race



Tuesday April 7th, 2009

Al Davis Shows His Commitment To The Future By Signing the NFL’s Oldest Quarterback

Carl Pavano Impressed with CC Sabathia’s 10-5 Opening Day Loss

Guy Living in His Parent’s Basement Becomes Fantasy Football Legend

Monday April 6th, 2009

Very Few Chicago Residents Attend Rex Grossman Appreciation Day

Zach Randolph Gets Caught Driving Drunk En Route to a “Trade Zach Randolph Rally” in Downtown Los Angeles

Edmonton Oilers’ Ownership No Longer Convinced The City Sells Itself For Prospective Free Agents



Thursday April 2nd, 2009

College Basketball Fans Reluctantly Arrive in Detroit for Final Four Weekend

NHL Players Union Now Serving Real Orange Juice At Meetings



Wednesday April 1st, 2009

Jeff George Feels He Could Ruin Another Franchise If Given The Opportunity

Doug Christie’s Wife Allegedly Still A Raving Bitch

Allen Iverson Now Defending At a Third Grade Level

Tuesday March 28th, 2009

Gilbert Arenas Already Whining at Midseason Form

Chicago Bears Unsure About Trading For Proven, Talented Quarterback

Tampa Bay Lightning Release 86-Second Tribute Video For Barry Melrose



Tuesday March 31st, 2009

Just Like His Players, John Calipari Signs With The School Offering The Most Money

Blake Griffin Begins Pretending to Consider Returning to College

Matt Leinart Urges Cardinals’ Management to Draft A Quarterback for the Future



Thursday March 26th, 2009

University of Oklahoma President Asks Bob Stoops to Give the Syracuse Basketball Team his Patented “Championship Game Pep Talk”

Ron Artest Still Believes Ron Artest is Still in the MVP race

Toronto Raptors Given an Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them

Garth Snow Begins Growing Draft Lottery Beard

Wednesday March 25th, 2009

UCONN Upset About Wasting Recruiting Violations on Shitty Player

Pat Summit Tells Frightened Reporters She Has No Desire to Pose for Playboy

Daunte Culpepper Voted Least Likely To Succeed at Lion’s Mini-Camp

Search for Matt Millen’s Dignity Called Off By National Guard

David Ortiz Has His Knife and Fork Retired at Appleby’s.


Tuesday March 24th, 2009

Bill Belechick Assures Patriots Fans That Tom Brady is Ready to Fill Matt Cassel’s Shoes

Ichiro Gets Winning Out of the Way at World Baseball Classic Before Rejoining Mariners for the 2009 Season

Injured Flames Forward Todd Bertuzzi Wonders What He Could Have Possibly Done To Have Such Bad Karma

Terrell Owens Marks His Territory in the Buffalo Bill’s Huddle By Peening On Trent Edwards’ Leg

Sacramento Kings Now Only Forty Games Below .500

Lane Kiffin Begins Trying to Figure Out Ways to Back Up His Talk

Monday March 23rd, 2009

Washington Wizards’ General Manager Ernie Grunfeld  Confident his Team Could Make The Elite Eight if Given the Opportunity 

Gary Bettman Expected to Reach Puberty Any Day Now

American Baseball Releases “We’re Number Four”  T-Shirts after Losing to Japan at WBC

Much like the rest of the Hockey World, Alexander Ovechkin is Unable to Name Four Other Players on the Washington Capitals’ Roster

Curt Schilling Retires From Baseball So He Can Spend More Time Talking About His Retirement From Baseball



Thursday March 17th, 2009

Kerry Collins denies romantic ties to Bea Arhtur

John Calipari suspends two players for attending classes under his “conduct unbecoming to the team” rule.

Zdeno Chara reportedly considering trying out for American Idol

Chicago Cubs fans excited about World Series chances; Rest of MLB finds it adorable 


Wednesday March 16th, 2009

Andre Smith consults Vince Young for Wonderlic success tips

Cleveland Cavaliers search for new defensive liability to replace token white guy Wally Sczerbiak 

Marshawn Lynch worried the NFL may not support his commitment to offseason arrests 

Wayne Gretzky begins to re-think his “we learn more from losing anyways” gameplan

Tuesday March 15th, 2009

Economists support Barack Obama’s decision to get out of debt by betting against Duke

Nashville Predators hold “Please Bring Everybody You Know” night.

Carl Landry proves NBA players know how to party too, by getting shot in the leg

Dallas Cowboys concerned they don’t have enough distractions heading into the season


Monday March 14th, 2009

Big Ten gets more bids than any other mid-major Conference

Phoenix Suns auction 2009 first round draft pick on eBay

Jay Cutler becomes first diabetic quarterback in NFL history to throw hissy-fit and demand trade


Friday March 13th, 2009

Accused murderer Ray Lewis calls fellow Baltimore athlete Michael Phelps three month suspension “an impressive start.”

Mark McGwire bulking up for trip to grocery store

Big Ten tournament organizers claim “boring basketball” and “lack of talent” will not effect ratings 

Ryan Leaf allegedly still alive

Martin Brodeur passes “poutine,” and “skeazy douche bags” on Quebec’s list of top exports

Thursday March 12th, 2009

David Beckham compares playing in MLS to hooking up with a pretty girl’s fat cousin. Not the first choice at the end of the night, but their desperation for popularity is easy to take advantage of.

 NHL looks to corner the coveted “pacifist demographic” by banning staged fights

United States calls last night’s loss to Venezuela the most embarrassing thing to happen to American baseball since Roger Clemmens, A-Rod, The Kansas City Royals, Bud Seligs’ hair, World Series’ ratings, Yankee fans, The Mitchell Report, Steve Bartman, bat night, Scott Boras…

Washington Wizards admit finding new ways to lose gets hard after the 50th time.

Tiger Woods getting bored sleeping with hot wife. Decides winning golf tournaments might be fun again.

Detroit Lions consider trading their first overall pick to Bill’s Taco Shack to bring back “Salsa Specialist” Charles Rogers.







Wednesday March 11th, 2009

San Francisco 49ers re-work deal to pay Alex Smith less money to sit on bench and remind fans of their wasted draft pick

Cleveland State wins Horizon league. Next step embarrassing March Madness loss.

Roger Clemens teaches kids that hard work, dedication and disposing of evidence are the keys to a Hall of Fame career.

Denver Broncos are prepared to bring back the “Steve Beuerlein glory days” if Jay Cutler situation worsens. 

David Ortiz and Dominican Republic lose second straight game to a country most of their infield couldn’t locate on a map.

Rams release seven-time Pro Bowl Tackle Orlando Pace in an effort to help fans forget they use to be a Super Bowl team.

Tuesday Match 10th, 2009

Tiger Woods hosts the first ever “Phil Mickelson Obesity Awareness” golf tournament.

Tyson Chandler officially over hasty break-up with Hornets, and is excited to remain teammates with benefits.

Nashville Predator fans call Atlanta a ridiculous place for an NHL franchise.

Matt Jones gears up for upcoming season with second annual drug arrest

Darren Sproles not tall enough to ride “big boy coaster” at Disneyland.

Six players on Cuban national team placed on the “unable to perform” list after defecting during the seventh inning stretch.


Monday March 9th, 2009

George Bush calls Alex Rodriguez’s lack of public support “embarrassing.”

Dallas Mavericks launch brand new “Win a Date With Dirk Nowitzki” promotion.

Mehmet Okur to release gangster rap album in off-season 

Tampa Bay Lightning give Rich Tocchet extra gambling money before March Madness with new contract extension.


Kurt Busch entertains rednecks by turning left 2,000 times at Atlanta Motor Speedway


Sunday March 8th, 2009

When including minutes and turnovers, Darko Milicic has become a consistent double-double threat.

Barack Obama feels confident that degenerate gamblers will stimulate the economy during March Madness

California prisons begin sending inmates to WNBA games for punishment

New studies link Nascar viewing to mild retardation





Saturday March 7th, 2009

Charles Barkley called too fat to play in prison yard basketball game

Chris Simms asks Luke Walton for advice on how to deal with not living up to family name

Terrell Owens ready to become team player provided his stats don’t suffer

Utah citizens celebrate Jazz 10th straight win with alcohol free scrabble night

NBC signs deal to show two NHL Stanley Cup games as part of their alternative sports programming


Friday March 6th, 2009

NCAA graduation rates reveal nerds aren’t good at sports

NHL considers new television deal with the Food Network

Vince Young shows Akili Smith Potential –(READ FULL ARTICLE HERE)

Laveraneus Coles leaves New York to fulfill lifelong dream of losing football games in Ohio

Dirk Nowitzki shocked the basketball world last night by scoring lots of points, playing no defense and losing the game.

Ken Griffey Jr. anticipates getting first hit any day now

New York Yankees lose to Team Canada…at baseball…seriously



Read More Articles


Thursday March 5th, 2009


Pistons minimize Iverson’s turnovers by putting him on injured reserve

Some guy not named Tiger Woods leading Honda Classic

Grizzlies learn that nobody loses like the Clippers with 118-95 win in Los Angeles 

Al Davis impressed by Jerry Jones’ complete lack of long-term plan

ESPN’s College Gameday crew reportedly bullying lonely hockey analyst Barry Melrose

WNBA tries to make games more exciting by no longer allowing women to play

Brenda Warner gives Kurt permission to stay n Phoenix

Underwear model David Beckham plans to play soccer in Hollywood

Phil Mickelson gets first win of season by defeating local truck driver at pie eating contest 


Read More Articles 


Wednesday March 4th, 2009


Giants willing to welcome Plaxico Burress back if he promises not to shoot himself again

Sean Avery excited to disgrace NHL in major market after signing with New York Rangers

Alex Rodriguez sick of being Face of Steroids. He’d rather be known as “the guy who chokes in the playoffs” again

Marc Gasol quickly becoming the NBA version of Ozzie Canseco

Jesus Christ advises Kurt Warner to hold out for more money

Phoenix Coyotes trade Olli Jokinen in final push to avoid playoffs and fan support

Read More Articles


Tuesday March 3rd, 2009


Bonds delayed perjury trial frees up time to beg MLB teams to sign him

Gary Bettman to begin midget wrestling to raise money for NHL 

Tim Duncan’s french sidekick leads spurs to victory

Dallas Mavericks only 10 points away from beating worst team in NBA

Jay Cutler admits temper tantrums in high altitude are hard on his diabetes

Iverson seems confused after having back, not head examined


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