Utah Jazz Forward and Mormon sex symbol Mehmet Okur recently told both members of his fan club that he plans to record a hard core gangster rap album this summer in an effort to finally start scoring Matt Harpring quality ass.
The album, tentatively titled The Other White Meat, features cameo tracks from Vanilla Ice, Harvey Keitel and Andrei Kirelenko with a secret song from producer and best friend Dr. Dre at the end of the LP. “When I first recorded the song ‘I nailed Pat Summitt in the back of a Hyundai’ people started realizing how hard core my rhymes were,” Okur said while signing autographs at a local petting zoo. “I feel like I have the potential to be the best Turkish rapper in all of Salt Lake City.”
While critics claim Okur’s music still hasn’t hit the artistic level of Kobe Bryant’s eerily titled duet “Hold Me” with R. Kelly (or as the track is currently labelled “Prosecution Exhibit C”), many industry insider believe Okur’s good looks and unquestioned “street cred” will propel his album to the top of the charts and even lead to an interview with his boyhood hero Ryan Seacrest.
After a tiring two game season, Gilbert Arenas (who was missing shots at midseason form while going 6-21 from the field), has decided to take time off from writing his Darius Songaila tell-all book and spend the offseason teaching a class on sportsmanship at the Tracy McGrady Center of Playoff Excellence.
“A lot of young NBA players don’t realize that basketball games are won and lost in the post game interview,” Arenas fictitiously said . “Sure, everyone knows that taunting opponents and making obscene predictions are important, but there’s so much wisdom I have left to teach.”
Founded by the Rocket’s “star” in 2005 after an exceptionally depressing first round loss to the Dallas Mavericks, the McGrady Center aims to teach young NBA players that winning playoff rounds is not the only measure of postseason success. “People think that just because I’ve never got out of the first round I’m some sort of choke artist,” McGrady said in a make believe interview. “But there’s more to being a playoff performer than actually winning games, and I think a guy like Gilbert can really help get that message across.”
Sacramento Kings Owner Admits “Complete Lack of Talent” May Have Played a Part in the Team’s 17-65 Record
In a recent interview with Fledgling Franchises Magazine, Sacramento Kings’ owner and suspected polka enthusiast George Maloof admitted that the junior high caliber roster he put together may have played a small factor in the team’s “Detroit Lions-esque season.”
“Obviously the economy is the biggest reason for our on court failure,” Maloof told a reporter that he later tried to have sex with. “But it’s possible that Beno Udrih is not the franchise player we thought he was and I’m pretty sure we traded for the wrong Kenny Thomas.”
Maloof added that Bobby Jackson shooting 31 percent from the field, Shareef’ Abdur-Rahim’s allergic reaction to playing defense and Spencer Hawes embarrassing appearance on the reality show Sunset Tan may have hurt the organization, but did not cause irreparable/Kwame Brown damages.
“Nobody wants to be the team that finishes below the Clippers,” he explained. “But we have several young players that are showing Scott Pollard potential, and with a few high draft picks we could be a playoff team well before I try and move the Kings to Las Vegas.”
Fresh off of a five year stint destroying the the New York Knicks and staving off sexual harassment lawsuits, Isaiah Thomas has decided to return to the college game (after a very brief three decade hiatus), after signing a deal to become the head basketball coach at Florida International University earlier today.
Thomas, who lists “dream killing” under the special skills portion of his resume’, brings a level of excitement to the FIU campus unseen since fresh fishstick day at the Wilson Dormitory cafeteria and renewed hope to a team that was tired of good character and fundamental basketball .
“Our fans support the team, the players have great attitudes and there’s a lot of selflessness in the locker room,” Thomas said at an admittedly fake press conference. “It’s going to take me at least seven months to erase all of that.”
Los Angeles Clippers’ center and NBA hearthrob Chris Kaman has decided to forgo his usual offseason routine of gaining weight and not practicing free throws, in order to teach desperate virgins how to get laid.
Kaman, who has slept with well over six women, plans to demonstrate the “You know I’m in the top six of LA Clippers’ scoring” technique as well as his critically acclaimed “Would you like to come back to my windowless van?” line, that worked on Pat Summit last October.
With guest lecturers Mike Dunleavy and Pete Samprass on board, Kaman is confident that his class will offer a unique perspective on sexual attraction and become far more popular than the Yao Ming Sex Academy.
Toronto Raptors Given An Early List of Draft Eligible Players Who Will Refuse To Play For Them
Written by: David Breitman
As part of the NBA’s newly implemented Steven Francis Statute, all players declaring for the NBA Draft will be required to tell David Sterns’ office if they plan to throw a temper tantrum and demand a trade if they are selected by a Canadian franchise.
“Obviously nobody wants to play in a third world country,” Stern said at a fictitious press conference. “So we decided to help out the Raptors by letting them know which players will be willing to play in Canada.”
So far, Stern claims that of the 121 prospects polled, 74 of them would accept playing in Toronto, 31 said they would refuse and 16 players were unable to locate Canada on a world map.
Yanik Velsim, a second round prospect from Uzbekistan, told David Stern that he would rather not play in Canada, but would be willing to move to a less “educated and advanced” nation if he would receive more playing time and a free goat for his cousin, Yuri.
“The key here is to identify which players are willing to live in a strange, foreign land, and which ones don’t want to deal with rampant moose attacks and some sort of deep fried side dish called poutine,” said Stern. “At the end of the day I’m confident that the idea of free health care and partying with Jake Voskul will attract at least one poor soul into an organization with just a single playoff series win in franchise history. Hell, I’d bet Andrea Bargnani’s first overall draft pick salary on it!”
Phoenix Suns owner Robert Sarver has decided to forgo his usual process of trading the team’s first round draft pick for cash (with frustrated fans to be named later) and has instead elected to place the organization’s looming lottery pick on eBay.
With a starting bid listed at $75, Sarver expects to see a lot of early action and is even sweetening the pot by offering the winning bidder a chance to help him select the team’s second round draft pick out of a hat, a celebrated process that has brought in some real Marcin Gortat caliber players.
Sarver explains that this bold new strategy is great for both fans and the NBA. “You don’t trade away Luol Deng, Nate Robinson, Rudy Fernandez and Rajon Rando without learning a thing or two,” Sarver fictitiously said. “With this new strategy, a Suns fan can bid on the pick and give it back to the team if he wins the auction. It’s a win-win situation! I get my annual ‘bonus’ and we will be able to finally use those snazzy draft day hats we’ve been saving since we used the 17th overall pick in 2003 to start the Zarko Cabarkapa era.”
Kobe needs time away from basketball fans; Gets Peace and Quiet at Clippers game
As playoff pressure begins to mount in the Lakers’ locker room, team leader and occasional midget wrangler Kobe Bryant went to a Los Angeles Clippers game to clear his head and get some peace and quiet. “I thought about going to a library or an Alex Rodriguez fan club meeting,” Bryant said in a pretend interview. “But there’s always a couple basketball fans there who ask for my autograph or want to know if the rumors about Pau Gasol and ‘the goat’ are true. That’s why I love Clipper games. Not a basketball fan for miles!”
Known as “the loneliest place on earth” or “the building where dreams go to die,” the Clippers home arena (which urban legend claims is shared with the Lakers) provides an unmatched level of peace, quiet and reasonably priced hot dogs for celebrities looking to get away from the stressors of high profile events.
“I once dropped a pin while sitting in the 18th row,” says Bryant. “And then some guy I assume is some sort of date rapist or custodial worker named Chris Kaman asked me to keep the noise down.”
Stuart Scott challenges Amar’e Stoudemire to a staring contest
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! ESPN’s Stuart Scott will enter the ring against Phoenix Suns forward Amar’e Stoudemire for their long-awaited, highly anticipated stare down (dubbed by promoter Don King as “The Peek-a-Boo Zoo.” “Amar’e’s been avoiding me all these years and taunting me with his two good eyes,” said Scott, who’s also known as the hardest working lazy eye in show business, at a fictional pre-staring contest press conference. “That smug bastard knows this one is personal. Booyah!”
After detaching his retina in a game against the LA Clippers and absolutely destroying any hopes for the Suns to make the playoffs, Stoudemire decided to finally retaliate after years of jabs from Scott. “It was time to do something,” Stoudemire said when we pretended to reach him for comment. “But in reality, I didn’t even know he was talking to me when he first brought the contest up. I can never tell when he’s talking to me, actually. It’s almost impossible to get that guy to look you in the eye.”
Scheduled to take place at the Bristol metro area Lenscrafters, promoters are hoping for a large online viewership via Espn360.com.
Charles Barkley called “too fat” for prison yard basketball game
Charles Barkley, who’s currently serving a three-day sentence at an Arizona correctional facility, was told to “take his fat ass back to the cafeteria” when he tried to play in a pick-up basketball game earlier today.
As the only member of the 1992 Dream Team to be cited for a DUI after downing wine coolers and bear-claws, Barkley was disappointed that five rapists, four murderers and a nerdy Jewish guy convicted of tax fraud were selected ahead of him in the “stripes vs. skins” game.
As he often does when life hands him disappointment, Barkley turned to food for comfort, reportedly eating 311 packets of Raman Noodles and washing it down with a delightful bottle of wine he and his cell mate brewed in their toilet.
Los Angeles Clippers trade dignity for second round draft pick
In an effort to clear cap space and abandon hope, the Los Angeles Clippers have traded their dignity (and some personal pride to be named later) to the Phoenix Suns for a second round draft pick.
The move comes just days before the Clippers planned to launch their “Lowered Expectations” marketing campaign featuring “Wait till next year night” and the “Win a free afternoon in Chris Kaman’s windowless van” contest.
For the Suns, the deal gives them the chance to once again give their draft pick away without having to lead their fans on by pretending to scout players or build for the future.
Pedro Gomez plans to annoy the Suns’ General Manager for more details as they become available.
Mark Cuban throws inspirational temper tantrum
Following the Dallas Maverick’s 96-87 loss to the bottom-feeding Seattle Supersonics Oklahoma City Thunder, team owner Mark Cuban threw an awkward hissy-fit before threatening to take his ball and go home.
Cuban, who hasn’t played organized sports since getting picked last a Jewish Community Center pick-up kickball game 22 years ago, called his players undisciplined and questioned their desire to show the world that a chubby rich kid accused of insider trading can put together a championship team.
Though some question Cuban’s management style, Donald Trump fictitiously applauded his efforts, noting that “people love it when a self-entitled billionaire with zero social skills and a goofy haircut acts like he’s better than everyone.”
Team leader Dirk Nowitzki (who now defends opponents at a third-grade level) could not be reached for comment, but Jason Kidd told reporters that if the Mavericks could get a player like Devin Harris there’s no telling how far into the playoffs they can go.
Greg Oden named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Draft Bust Alive”
Move over Ryan Leaf. There’s a new sex symbol ready to get his general manager fired!
In People Magazine’s recently released “hottest seven-footers alive” issue, Greg Oden (who has court-side seats to every Portland TrailBlazer game) was named the sexiest draft bust in sports, edging out four-time winner and Serbian heart-throb Darko Milicic.
Oden, who is the first Korean War Veteran to win the prestigious honor, could not be reached for comment. Reports claim he and Sam Bowie spent the morning debating whether Kevin Durant might be the next Michael Jordan.
Kobe Bryant shows other accused rapists that dreams DO come true
Just five years after allegedly forcing a chubby blonde girl to have sex with him in a Colorado hotel room, Kobe “Screw You! I was never convicted” Bryant is inspiring sexual predators across the country.
As the greatest basketball player to ever stand trial for sexual assault, Bryant’s success story is becoming a hero with the cast of To Catch a Predator and every member of the “Megan’s Law” club. “Everyone talks about how athletes are so out of touch with the fans today,” says fictitious child molester Cleetus Jones. “But every time I see Kobe on the court I feel like he’s representing every single one of us in protective custody. He’s part of the brotherhood and really making us proud.”
As Kobe gets ready for another championship run this postseason, fellow accused rapists like Jones know what his first post-sexual assault acquittal championship would mean. “Everyone out there that thinks beating a rape case makes you soft is going to eat their words,” Jones says while tightly grasping his Miley Cyrus CD. “I can’t even tell you how much a Laker title would mean for all of us.”