On a recent recruiting trip to Gainesville, five star offensive tackle recruit James Hurst stopped to fill up his Mazda Miata just outside the Ron Powlus Center for Disappointment at the University of Notre Dame.
“I actually didn’t know they had a football team,” said the Indiana native in a fictitious interview. “My Grandpa used to talk about Fighting Irish football winning national championships, but he had Alzheimers so I assumed it was sort of like his theory about the fake moon landing or Montreal baseball.”
Hurst, who had his gas tank filled up by Junior Pump Specialist Rick Mirer, was reportedly impressed with the shiny gold dome in the middle of the campus, and even told a friend that he hoped the mid-major program would one day be able to compete with schools like Syracuse and Air Force.
Just like a fat kid desperately looking for a prom date, The University of Arizona basketball program has continued its parade of rejection after George “Moppy” Johnson turned down their head coaching job earlier this week.
According to a report by Larry King on JanitorNews.com, contract negotiations broke down after the school refused to provide Johnson with a new dustpan for road games and merchandising rights on all slop buckets bearing his image.
“We’re extremely disappointed to have Johnson turns us down,” said a spokesman for the University of Arizona in a fictitious statement. “I wasn’t upset when Tim Floyd, Sean Miller, Seth Rogen, Mike Martz, Chloris Leachman, The Honeycomb Bear, John Wooden and Donald Rumsfeld rejected us, but this one really hurts. I guess we’re going to have to figure out a way to make a program with a National Championship, four Final Four appearances, dozens of NBA players and a Sweet 16 birth this year attractive to prospective coaches.”
In an effort to help NFL franchises replace players currently incarcerated throughout the country, Leavenworth Penitentiary has begun their “Pay it Forward” campaign, by inviting the league’s top scouts to the prison’s first ever scouting combine.
Headlined by defensive end prospect Rashard “Stabby” Johnson, who impressed several general managers by bench-pressing the rotting carcass of a 225 pound man he strangled to death over three dozen times, some scouts feel this is the deepest group of inmates since the Hall of Fame class from San Quentin in 1992.
“There’s a lot of talented players out here to choose from,” said one anonymous and possibly non-existent scout. “And when evaluating prospects at local prisons you don’t have to deal with the character issues you get at Florida State or Miami.”
Following Six-Overtime loss to Syracuse, Connecticut’s Jim Calhoun demands pay raise for extra hours
During a press conference immediately following thursday night’s six overtime, 127-117 loss to Syracuse, Connecticut Coach Jim “money bags” Calhoun had no interest in talking basketball. In standard Calhoun fashion, all he cared to discuss was his salary.
Calhoun attacked Connecticut”s Athletic Director (insert name here), arguing that no respectable coach could live on a $1.6 million salary. He mentioned that at just a shade under four hours, this was the longest game in Big East tournament history and demanded compensation for his extra time. “I had to pay my limo driver for an extra hour and that S@!? aint cheap,” Calhoun might have said.
Upon taking a moment to glance at his diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, Calhoun also expressed frustration at the fact the game ended at 1:22 a.m. “Not only is it way past my bedtime,” he told reporters in his surliest old man voice. “But how is my butler supposed to tuck me in if he’s already asleep?”
At a fake press conference held outside Mack Brown’s home early this morning, Florida Gators football coach Urban Meyer told reporters that he didn’t approve of the controversial NCAA Basketball Tournament claiming it was “unfair to the fans” and “inconsistent with the tried and true BCS System.”
“It’s ridiculous,” said Meyer to a group of confused reporters. “Big schools shouldn’t have to waste their time giving smaller colleges a chance to compete. At this point it makes sense to ask a few dozen basketball writers who their favorite two teams are and let them play for the championship. How much more exciting would that be than a monotonous 64-team tournament?”
Joined by Bob Stoops (who sported a collection of bacon grease stains on his “I heart Hometown Buffet” t-shirt), Meyer explained that a series of bowl games featuring the best 64 teams would be much more enthralling for the fans. “Imagine how exciting it would be for UConn if after 32 regular season games they got to play Duke in the “Monistat 7 Bowl.” They’d get to compete against the second best team from another conference AND have the next night free to watch UNC battle Pitt for the national championship! It’s a win-win for everyone!”
Though Lou Holtz was unable to incoherently comment/ramble from his hyperbaric chamber, several ESPN analysts debated the idea for nine straight hours and began a new segment called “Gottlieb’s Bowl Projections” sponsored by “Gel-met… the only hair gel that turns hair into a helmet.”
Duke University hosts NBA draft bust support group
Every Tuesday evening during the offseason, JJ Redick and Shelden Williams welcome fellow franchise killers to Raleigh, North Carolina to help them deal with the emotional pain of their Trajan Langdon-esque careers.
Duke greats like Jay Williams, Bobby Hurley, Dahntay Jones and an impressive list of NBA eleventh men share stories of awkward failure and community disgrace while sipping on William Avery’s home-made punch.
The support group, called Drafting Underachieving Kids Early or D.U.K.E., is one of the more popular programs in the area and plans to welcome Blue Devil football players as soon as one of them actually makes the NFL.
NCAA Graduation rates show nerds suck at sports
For those worried that the fat kids and science nerds would get revenge on the jocks that made their lives an indignant hell throughout middle school would turn the tables when they got to college, rest easy.
A recent NCAA report shows that schools with the lowest graduation rates are amongst the best teams in college sports while those who mistakingly focus on sending kids home with diplomas end up on the losing end of a “take our starters out in the second quarter” beat down. (Though we could not confirm it, Popcorn Muscles also believes that the aforementioned geeky fat-wads also have a very high virginity rate.)
When reached for a fake comment, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive noted that “nobody buys tickets to watch a social reject do a chemistry experiment or listen to a self-righteous middle class white kid from New Jersey talk about Che Guevara’s war on oppression. People love watching illiterate teenagers on steroids play football and get arrested.”
There’s no point spreads at science fairs and getting drunk while attending a philosophy lecture is frowned upon.
It is, however, important to note that nerds who end up receiving high-powered college sports jobs will be able to exploit these athletes by refusing to pay them for bringing in huge television contracts and merchandising sales.
Nerds do run the planet, but they can’t win football games.
Are You There God? It’s Me, Maurice Clarett
After squandering a lifetime of riches, beautiful women and never having to worry about blowing another guy for cigarettes, Maurice Clarett has revealed in his prison blog that he has had an epiphany. “Football is not Maurice Clarett.” (Ed. Note: We actually didn’t make this quote up, or any of these in fact. Honestly, we just aren’t this funny.)
“Time in prison was necessary due to my actions but it’s my personal belief that I can use my celebrity to assist more people in so many creative ways that I’ve come up with than to occupy this cell at $25K per year,” he writes. While it wasn’t immediately known if Clarett understands the difference between infamy and celebrity, Popcorn Muscles was able to confirm through double secret probation sources (OK, we lied, we made this part up) that the former Ohio State star does look forward to his future segments on “Outside the Lines” and “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel.”
Clarett goes on to write that he has interest in public speaking once he completes his three-and-half-year sentence as well as his acting debut in the straight-to-DVD release, “Gridiron Gang 2: Don’t Drop the Ball … or Soap.”