In a stunning move, Team USA announced today that as a result of losing Florida Marlins closer Matt Lindstrom to injury they will be adding former President George W. Bush to the roster. “He’s got a great cut fastball and we know he’s willing to go to any lengths to kick the crap out of foreigners,” said Manager Davey Johnson in a fake interview. “The guy knows how to win and it never hurts to have the Supreme Court on your side in case any of the games need a recount.”
Though unavailable for comment as of press time, top secret sources have confirmed that since leaving office in late January the former president has been under a strict workout regimen of mountain biking, MLB 2K9 and Mountain Dew. “He’s ready,” said one source. “He even saved the ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner from that Iraq thing so he can hang it in Team USA’s locker room before they win anything.”
The road to nowhere: 28 MLB teams just here to collect paychecks
Ed. Note: The other day at the spacious and luxurious Popcorn Muscles offices (you might know it as IHOP), we decided that since we fancy ourselves to be a sports website we should do one of those MLB season previews with a goofy name because that’s what every other sports media entity does — that, and we’re a couple of unoriginal bastards. So here’s the first team on our long road that is baseball season: the Detroit Tigers.
Much like the city and the old titans of the auto industry around them, the Tigers have too much payroll, bloated key figures (hi Miguel Cabrera) and no possible future. “I think that’s a little harsh,” said pitcher Jason Verlander if we had the balls to tell him we were writing this. “Dontrelle (Willis) still has that commercial with the kids even though he pitched in Single A last year. I replaced my elbow with rubber bands and Big League Chew last season, too. We’re the future around here, so trust me when I say we’ll be fine.”
Other players we didn’t interview also supported the notion that the team would be fine regardless of their bleak prospects. In fact, most pointed to the benefits of living in Detroit as the best part of their current arrangement. “I love driving (don’t worry, it’s a foreign car) past all those shuttered stores and unemployment lines,” said Magglio Ordonez. “It helps me feel better about all my accomplishments like never winning a World Series. And don’t expect that to change anytime soon.”
A-Rod wants to be known for choking in playoffs, not as the face of steroids
Alex Rodriguez is irate that the baseball world is focusing on his recent steroid abuse, and ignoring his complete lack of playoff success.
Known as Mr. April, Rodriguez (who has gone 7-for-44 in his past three postseason performances) takes a lot of pride in being a playoff liability and was even talking to Viagra about an endorsement deal. “Performing under pressure is never easy. But nobody likes a player who can’t succeed when it’s hard.”
While waiting to once again reclaim his rightful place as the league’s least dependable playoff hitter, A-Rod is going to focus on romancing elderly pop stars, while taking time out to disappoint children and embarrass his family.
Rodriguez believes that once October comes around the media will once again focus on his constant strikeouts and poor defense as opposed to the fact that he had to take performance-enhancing drugs to let down his team.
Ambitious New York Mets get early start on September collapse
Unlike last season when the New York Mets made fans wait until after Labor Day to flush their season down the toilet, this year’s squad has decided to show a real commitment to losing early in the 2009 season.
Thanks to savvy decisions like negligently injuring Johan Santana and having Oliver Perez bat second in pre-season play, the Mets are working hard to show the baseball world that they have no intention of leading the division at any point throughout the 2009 campaign.
“It’s not easy to play this badly when you have so much natural talent,” says Carlos Delgado in a fictional interview done in the front seat of David Wright’s Miata. “Sometimes when we’re winning late in the game we have to dig deep down, as a team, and remember how little we care about the fans and that paycheck don’t change with wins and losses.”
Though Delgado did not go into specific detail about how they were going to embarrass themselves, the “$16-million .271 hitter” explains that a lot can happen over 162 games with a little creativity and a season-long dedication to indignant failure.
For more information on the pending incompetence just start googling “blown save” now in order to beat the rush or go down to CITI Ballpark and pay $250 to watch the dreams of children dying in a government subsidized stadium.